Summer's Point of View
If God would put me in a decision wherein the people who's desperate to live would beg for the air i have, i would willingly give it to them. Without hesitation, without thinking of it.
I wanted to die. What's the point of living when you don't really feel it? It was like I'm begging to God not to wake me up tomorrow. I am just still here for the sake of not rotting in hell because I still believe in him.
But sometimes i think that it was already a punishment, a torture for me. Being at this world already is a torture for me.
"Summer, don't you want to come with us? We're going to the beach because it's so hot. You're going to stay here, again? In your messy room. I'm worried for you, my love" Aunt Sonia said.
Liar.
She thinks of me as a failure. She thinks of me as a freeloader in this house. She thinks of this room as a mess just like me. She's not worried for me, she was so happy about it.
"I'm fine, thanks for worrying though" I said with a small smile. She nodded instantly and left.
I see them all left with a smile on their faces. Aunt Sonia said that she was worried but didn't even look back at the window of my room. If she's that worried she should check on me and let me speak up about the things that's going on in my mind.
I went outside of my room and checked if there's food in the refrigerator. There's none.
"Wow, Summer. Do you really think that they would somehow think of you? Ashamed of you" I said my thoughts out loud.
Then I went to my room again to get my wallet because I'm going to buy canned food at the store nearby. I get my jacket to hide my scar in my hands.
"Ugh stupid Summer, why wouldn't they go to the beach in winter? Why would you go outside wearing a jacket? It's literally summer, ugh so stupid" I said and slapped my face.
But with some thoughts, I felt pathetic for everything. Like it's kind of hard for me to do this stuff because I worry for people too much. They won't give a damn and I would give an explanation if they want one so i need to face my fear.
I lie in my bed, slowly losing my appetite. I was really the one to blame for doing this to myself. This is my fault and only mine. Everything seemed genuine back then, when did I start to care for other people than myself? When did I start getting insecure and scared of going outside?
This would be the death of me. I'm just going to die here in starvation. This is somehow what I deserve for tolerating sadness eats me up. So I no longer wonder how they want to go far away from me because I was the cause of their stress.
Someone knocked at the gate. I got nervous thinking that they were thieves who would steal everything in this house. But at some point there's no way a thief would knock on someone's gate respectfully.
"Hi, how may I help you?" I said. They might be lost since they have unfamiliar faces but they got a plate and a bowl that I smell has food in it.
"Hi, we just moved in here so we're giving soup to everyone. Here's yours" The one with the black plain t-shirt and black shorts said. The other, wearing a white sleeveless shirt and white shorts, smiled and gave the soup to me. I quickly accept it because I'm also hungry.
"Thank you…" I can't finish my statement because I don't know who they are.
"I'm Jake and this is my twin brother Kyle" the one that wears black t-shirt said that. They don't share some similar faces, i wonder that they are not identical twins.
"Thank you for this, Jake and Kyle. I appreciate this" I said and smiled at them. I would go in the house when Kyle suddenly said something.
"Uh, if you're done with the plate and the bowl kindly return it to our house. It's just there, our mom would be very mad at us if you don't return it" He said and shyly bowed as he got slapped at the shoulder by Jake.
"I'm sorry for my brother. Enjoy your meal" Jake said and dragged his brother to their house. Oh, so we're really neighbours. This house and their house are just in front of each other.
I ate what they gave me. It was the most delicious food I ever had in my entire life. I think this is their mom's favourite dish and this might be their favourite dish as well.
After I ate, I quickly washed the plate and bowl because they might need this. I went out and got anxious by the people who stared at me. They might think of me as some "weird girl who wears jacket even if it's summer"
I knocked at their gate and Jake already went out. I gave the plate and the bowl to him and quickly went to the house. I quickly released my breath. I think I forgot to breathe with that kind of atmosphere. I really hate it.
The stares are just like when I went to my parent's wake. They all got a stare that I am the one who did it. I was the one who's at fault and to blame for what happened. If I just didn't get bruises that day of the accident from too much playing in the neighbourhood, they won't go to hospital fast and worriedly.
Someone knocked at the gate again. It was Jake and Kyle again. It's like it is deja vu. That I would met someone, playmate at this neighbourhood and I would get happy for their existence then I would lose someone that is important to me.
But right now, i don't know who's important to me but at some point i got scared of the thought that this would be my Aunt's death or their family's death if i break the wall and let someone in.
"Hi, Are you living alone because —" Jake didn't finish his sentence when I interrupted him.
"Don't. I don't need anything from you from now on. It's just going to be one time. I won't let you be my friend. Go now" I said with a cold tone and straight face. They looked taken aback by what I said.
It's just the right thing for me to do. It might harm me or someone that I had in this house. I must protect them and myself from the danger.
"Okay, we're sorry for the disturbance" Kyle said and they went to their house. I felt a sting in my heart, I felt guilt for being harsh at them knowing they just want to gain friendship. But I don't want to.
I went straight to my room and found some distractions to help me erase what I feel right now. I won't go there and take what I just said.
So at the end, I just watched some scary movie to help me get distracted. But right after that movie, the feeling instantly came back. I just lie in my bed, staring at the ceiling for too long.
"Please, God. If you're real, take away my pain. I don't want these feelings anymore. I felt so weak and messy. You were there when I was a child. I was just thirteen and yet you forgot about me that day. You stop caring for me, I was still your child. I beg you, please" I cried harder as I think what I've done to deserve this kind of things.
I was a burden for everyone. I think even God stops caring for me because he thinks I'm the misery in everyone's life. I want to blame him, I want to blame someone other than me to erase this pain.
Someone knocked at the door again. Haven't they learned their lesson? Haven't I made it clear to Jake and Kyle that I don't want them in my life? I'm at my verge right now.
I went out and found someone else. Someone that I tried to forget and someone that I know trying to forget about me too. She was holding a mad face when she saw me. The grudge was still there and I was not surprised at all. My younger sister, Fiona, was here in front of the gate standing and all eyes on me.
She was the first one to abandon me and blamed me for what happened. She was the first one to turn away from me as she calls me ill-fated. It was fine for me as she was only ten when that happened.