Summer's Point of View
"I can ride a bike faster than you" I said to Jake as we are now at the swing of this playground near the neighbourhood. I miss this moment where I would just ride a bike after school and went to playgrounds near our home.
My mom would always scold me for not going home first to eat lunch and going home late but my dad would still treat me to ice cream and chocolates. Now, I'm making it again but be careful this time around.
"This isn't a race, Summer," Jake reminds me. He was also my walking reminder of the things I should be careful around. He told me that he got scared when I bike fast but it's just my habit.
"I know, I'm sorry" I said, swinging again. I wanted to do slides and monkey bars as I'm afraid of that when I was a child. I don't know why but I think I had a fear of heights back then.
"There's no need to be sorry. I was just reminding you of the things that you need to be careful of. So let's just talk about hmm, what's your name? We still don't know each other's full name, "he said.
"Summerie Quinselt. My dad decided to call me summer so everyone calls me summer. Do you know my name when Fiona tells you?" I said, hoping that somehow Fiona was proud that she's my sister and family.
"Actually I know your name when Kyle told me when we went home after that time when I saved your wallet. Kyle asks Fiona when she was going to your house, he was surprised to know that you two are sisters because Fiona said that you two are cousins" Jake explains. So that's why, she didn't want to tell anyone and was just force to tell to Kyle that.
"What do you want? I'll buy you at the convenience store" He said.
"Ice cream please, dad" I teased him and he gave me a glare that I laughed at.
When he went to the convenience store to buy ice cream, I used that as an opportunity to slide and do monkey bars. I am still shy by the thought that someone was watching me do childish things.
I saw some elementary students that gathered at the playground. They seemed surprised when they saw me then minutes later laughed. I think they were laughing about one adult doing monkey bars and slides like a child.
"I'm sorry" I said and left with my bike hurriedly. I got so embarrassed that I panicked and hurriedly went home. I didn't even think of going to Jake at the convenience store to say it.
When I went home, I went to my bedroom and locked it. Even after all that, I was still not ready. I was still not healed enough, the world have been too cruel for me to look down at myself.
I was trying to be better, I was trying to look for positive things. But everytime, every time there would be things like this. Like people who would look down at me and say mean things.
Someone knocked at the gate and when I went to my window to see who it was, it was Jake. I get teary-eyed how he was the only one who cares about me and that he wouldn't get too annoyed at my mental state.
But what if? What if one day he would get annoyed? What if one day just like other people he would hurt and say stuff about your mental state? What if he's just there because of the sympathy? What if he's just there because he feels that you had a sad life?
"AHHH!" I screamed as I grabbed my hair, annoyed at my thoughts. How long do I have to endure this? For how long do I have to be like this? For how long do I have to feel weak? I don't want to feel this, I don't want to follow my thoughts and make things harder.
I went out and he's still there, he looks patiently waiting for me. I just smiled at him like nothing just happened. He gave me the ice cream and I thanked him for that. I went inside without inviting him to went.
"You have your own issues, Summer and he doesn't. He had a perfect life and you don't so what if he's just there because he feels like you need some help. Don't harm you more and don't harm him because we all know you're good at harming everyone along the way" Fiona said when i saw her in the living room.
"I'm trying not to, I'm trying" I said and bowed my head, humiliated. So what I was thinking was everyone's thinking. It might be possible that he was just here for sympathy, he felt sympathy towards me.
"What are you trying not to do? Trying not to harm him? But were you also trying not to harm us, your family? But what happened? You harmed us and led us to a broken life. Or are you trying not to go to him? Because as i was seeing it looks like you're not trying at all" She said.
That was right. She was right. I'm trying not to harm him but he can be hurt along the way by me. I was not trying to avoid him because if I was then what was that? Why did I go with him, riding a bike and going on near the playground? I was the wrong one here.
"What am I going to do? What am I going to do for him not to be harmed?" I asked her and I saw her smirking.
"Simple, don't see him and lock yourself again. In that way no one would be hurt by you. Let Jake find a better woman with no issues and problems that is going to be hard for him. Let Jake still live his own peaceful and perfect life" Fiona said. That seems right, right?
"Okay, I'm going to do that" I said and glance at the ice cream and having second thoughts whether or not I'm going to eat that.
"Eat that. That would be the last time Jake would bring something for you" Fiona said so i quickly take it and went to my bedroom.
I'm going to apologise for Jake, for being like this. But it was for him also, so that he wouldn't get hurt by me. I know that he thinks of it differently but it is because he wasn't living on it. He has a different life from me. I was just going to be a disaster for him and it wouldn't look okay.
The feelings haven't ignited yet. It can still be controllable and be stopped by me. In this way, we can't harm each other's future and this feeling would just hurt us.
But I'm just infatuated. I long for the love that i haven't received for a long time, those acts were just because i want it, i need it. I need someone who wouldn't judge and listen to what I feel, who wouldn't just be there because they have an agenda.
"This is right, for the sake of both of us" I said and went to the bathroom to take a bath. This helps me remove the stress and pressure that I have in my mind.
I was in the shower, closing my eyes as the water started dripping off. I was taking a bath when memories with my dad came back. It was when dad was teaching me how to ride a bike. I was scared and afraid as it was my first time riding those things.
"Don't be afraid, Summer. It would take you into harm but it would give you lessons as time goes by. I'm just here going to watch you, okay let's do it again" My dad said when i was already crying because i lost my balance.
"Daddy's always going to be right here, waiting for you, Summer. Let's do this together!" My dad added as he goes at the end of the playground waiting for me, giving me encouragement.
"I c-can do this!" I said and continued riding my bike. This time I got the timing of my balance and went to the end of the playground where my dad was.
"I did it. I know how to ride a bike, daddy!" I shouted and got off the bike to hug him. He was really my walking encouragement because without him I can't do things like this.
"You always can. You're just afraid and it's fine. It's fine to be afraid sometimes but don't let it eat you. Always go for the things that would make you happy without me or with me" Dad said.
I opened my eyes and the walls of my bathroom are all I see. The waters are still dripping off with my tears. I miss him, I always do. I sometimes wish that they could get me and let me live wherever they are. I'm going to be much happier when I'm with them.
How can I live with so much like this? I'm afraid, sad, guilty, scared and anxious. I can't feel happiness, I feel it when I'm with Jake but it is wrong. It is wrong to let myself go without thinking of what others would feel.
"I c-can't do this!" I said and burst out crying. Showering can't help me remove these thoughts now. Even in the shower, I can't remove the pain and heaviness that I feel. I don't want to prolong this feeling now.