45 Days With You
#My 45 days with you are enough; my time with you, Taymer, is beyond forever. . .
“Where’s Laspiranza?” rinig ko sa kabilang banda.
I know its him.
“Taymer, she’s not in good situation right now,” sagot ni Daddy. “I know that you knew the reason.”
“Can I visit her? I just wanted to talk to her,” usal pa niyang pakiusap kay Daddy.
I don’t know what happened next, but right after they talk naramdam ko ang pagbukas ng pinto. My eyes are swallowing. Pati paningin ko ay naramdaman ko na ang panghihina. I can see clearly pero palabo ng palabo na ito.
Tanggap ko iyong mga rason niya kung bakit siya nawala at hindi nagpakita sa akin.
I already accepted my defeat.
I am defeated. . .
Alam kong talo ako kahit saang angulo pa man tingnan. I maybe used to have a small urge to be mutually exclusive for him pero masyado nang huli para maging kami.
“May I talk to her for a second?” he asked my dad’s permission.
Palaging wala si mommy kaya si daddy lang din ang nakakasama ko dito sa hospital. Lalong tumatagal ay lumalala na rin iyong pagkirot sa iilang bahagi ng katawan ko. Kulang nalang na bawian ako ng buhay.
Bawat sandali ay humahaling-hing ako sa sakit pero hindi ko lang ipinahalata ng mga magulang ko dahil alam kung nahihirapan na rin sila na makita akong nahihirapan.
“You can do whatever you want hijo.” Daddy told him.
“Thank you Tito,” he said right after I feel some strange to look at him.
I also heard the click-lock of the door, nung lumabas si Daddy. We are all alone in this room and nothing would like to open up.
Ayaw ko rin magsimula. . .
I don’t want to move first either because we’re not in good terms.
Pero iisipin ko pa ba iyon na sa anumang oras ay pwede akong mawala dito sa mundo?
It’s just like a good time to cherish. Parang nakakalaki masyado ng tingin sa sarili.
“Lasp...” he started.
He held my hands and kissed it. Sa simpleng bagay na ginawa niya ay naramdam ko iyong pangunguli na kailanman ay minsan ko na ring naramdaman at naranasan.
I look at him and watch every detail of his face. I maybe not used to see that face for that long, in my mind I have to urge and fight for a small period of time.
“S-Sorry…” I said trying not to break my voice. I caressed his face as I want to remember the every part of it.
Naramdam ko rin iyong mole na malapit sa pisngi niya. I wondered myself bakit ngayon ko pa ito ginawa sa kanya?
“Alam kong nanghihina kana...” mariing saad niya na puno nang hinanakit. I felt a pang of pain in my heart.
This is not helping at all.
“Pwede bang magpakalakas ka muna kahit ngayon lang? Seeing you like this is like a heart attack to me,” saad niya na medyo pinangsingkit pa iyong magkabilang balikat niya.
“I can’t promise that… Taymer,” sagot ko sa buong lakas na makakaya ko. “I’m trying to be alright… but my body couldn’t.”
Iyong kaninang panginginit ng mukha ko ngayon ay may likido nang umagos mula dito. I couldn’t help but to cry. I wanted to cry out loud pero natatakot ako na makasakit ng ibang tao. Nahihiya ako na saktan iyong mga taong mahalaga sa akin.
“B-Bakit?” tanong niya na puno ng pangamba.
Iyang maayos na pagkakahulma ng buhok niya ay tuluyang nasira dahil sa pagkamot ng ulo niya.
“There’s no reason to keep going, Taymer,” I replied. 
“Why?” tanong niya ulit.
“Wala nang oras, Taymer. Gustuhin ko mang maging malakas? Pero ‘yung katawan ko hindi,” madamdamin kong sagot sa kanya.
“Bakit lahat nalang kayo… iiwan ako?” tanong niya na nagpatigil sa akin at tuluyang nagpahagulgol sa kanya.
“Alam mong hindi ko intensyon na iwan ka… kayo, you know what I was facing right now Taymer...” sabi ko sa kanya.
“N-No… not this time… Laspiranza, I need you,” saad niya na nagpaiyak sa kanya ng lubos. “Y-You shouldn’t did that... now what does it cost to you? Sana pinigilan nalang kita… ‘di ka sana magiging ganito, kung sana nakilala kita ng maaga gagaling ka pa sana,”
Dagdag niya na halos punitin na iyong pagkahak niya sa kamay ko. I remained silent not untill my voice broke because of so much pain.
Tell me, Laspiranza if you deserve that guy! You don’t deserve him and even the aspect of caring you wala kang karapatan.
“S-Sorry…” I whispered while crying on my own pace.
Pinunasan niya iyong luha niya kasabay nun ay masasakit na pagtitig sa akin.
“You’re sorry didn’t change what you were right now, Laspiranza,” saad niya na kahit ilang tingin lang ay wala akong makita na sigla sa mga mata niya.
Mga binitawang salita niya na patalim na patalim sa puso ko na sumusugat.
“I didn’t… care at all, Taymer. As long as I can do it I’ll do it. Apologize is one of my word right now, ‘cause at the end of this day… y-you, all of you will disappear to my sight…” I said while my tears overflowing to my face.
Isang malaking sampal sa akin ang sabihin iyon sa kanya. He’s not the only one who can hear that… nandiyan din sila Mommy na kapapasok lang. Bumukat ang sakit sa mga mata nilang dawala at napatulala sa akin.
“Yes, I know my worth now mommy and even the for longest battle I’ve been fought. It just like a bubble for me. Lumaban ako sa wala? At kahit anong pilit kung paniwaliin ang sarili. Ang sandata ko ay hindi ganun katulin para talunin iyong mga hamon sa buhay, na ibinagay sa akin, I’m not that strong to overcome,” saad ko sa kanila.
Kahit hirap hirap na akong magsalita ay pinilit ko kasi ngayon ko lang maipapalabas iyong mga gusto kong sabihin sa kanila.
“Mom, Dad… g-gusto ko nang s-sumuko, gusto ko nang b-bumitaw na… thank you for the sacrifices you did for me. But I’ll never seen myself having my dream come true,” naramdam ko iyong kakaibang sakit na bumakat sa dibdib ko. Kirot na pinagsalong hapdi.
Lumapit sila sa akin. In my blurry sight I saw them walking towards me. Ganun nalang din ang ginawa ni Taymer upang alaalayan akong makahiga.
I’m sure to myself that this is not the time for me pero parang pinapadali pa masyado iyong oras ko. Mas paunti nang paunti iyong tibok ng puso ko.
I only hear my own breathing… halos lumuwa na iyong dibdib ko para abutin iyong hininga ko.
I heard their screams but I don’t have clear hearing because my heart beating so past that I could only hear it from my ear.
One word I heard… something that keep my memory adage.
P-Please… not now…
. . .
I don’t know if I see heaven..
But after that happen I see those people who’s willing to support me. They’re waiting for me to come with them but my feet didn’t want to feel the even, and even a small urge to step it I don’t have a strength.
Na stuck ako sa liwanag na hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ito… o hanggang kailan. Infinite light I only see… nang may lakas na akong ilakad ang mga paa ko. Kaagad kong pinuntahan iyong mga taong kanina pa naghihintay sa akin. But when I come over there... paunti unti rin silang lumalayo sa akin. I don’t know if that the case pero para akong nahahalucunate ako sa bagay na totoo ko namang nakikita.
“Laspiranza,” they caught my attention.
Napalingon ako sa pinanggagalingan ng boses. But I didn’t see anything but only infinity lights. I know I just dreaming, I’m in my dream pero bakit parang totoo yata iyong mga nangyayari ngayon? Bakit parang ang bawat nakikita ko ay kabaliktaran sa buhay na sinimulan ko nang binitawan.
“You are brave, you embrace all the sadness with you, Laspiranza,” rinig kong familiar na boses ngunit lingid sa pagkakaalam ko kung sino iyon. Kung saan galing iyon.
“This is not your time to be here, you need to go back and say the last thing with them and after that, you’re welcome to come here.”
Kakaibang liwanag ang bumalot sa akin hanggang sa pagmulat ng mata ko ay kakaibang liwanag na rin ang nasaksihan ko.
. . .
Last 2 days with him
Ilang araw akong hindi nagising. Pero ramdam ko iyong panghihina na hindi na mawala wala sa akin. Mula sa umaga hanggang gabi. 
I hate having regret in my life. As a girl who’s having this kind of burden, I just can’t explain to myself why, of all people, I have this feeling that I don’t have much time to consider myself as living. I don’t have much time to reconcile myself to treating goodness as a part of living in this world.
All of them pitied me, all of them seeing me as a weak woman who only had a short life span. I don’t even have a choice because that was my way of living my life for however many days to come.
“This should be better for both of us, Taym. I don’t have time left in this world. I know this is not the happy ending we’re going for, but at least I’m trying to be strong because I have known my entire life that you exist. That they’re having us exist,” I said as I cried because there’s no hope. “Hindi ko alam kung aabot pa ba ako ng umaga.”
Apparently yes, there’s no hope that I’ll be able to come see him in the morning with him. Parang ayaw kung tanggapin na sa isang hinanga ko lang mawawala iyong lahat na ayaw ko pang bitawan.
“Magpagaling ka, Za, Remember we have a plan for tomorrow? Diba, ‘wag kang mawalan ng pagasa. I’m here… and I’ll always be here if you want to. Kahit ngayon a-ayaw pa kitang b-bitawan.”
He said while his voice broke.
I hold his hand, as this will be the last time I hold him like this. I cried because I love him. I will miss him. There’s no way to escape this reality I must face. Kung meron baka pwede pa akong kumuha ng palungit kahit ilang sandali lang na makasama siya.
I already accepted the fact that my life would not last long. My life will be very near. Tanggap ko iyon pero meron sa puwang sa puso ko na Hindi. I don’t want to leave here because I have him here. I have my family, my friends, and my relatives to stay with.
“I want to stay, but… there’s no way for it,” I know it would be selfish of me to leave you without hesitating myself and without having a good relationship with you, Taymer. “I love you; there is no such word to define how much I love you,” I said while sniffing. “Hindi ko kaya na magpaalam sa kanya.”
Saying goodbye is the least that I don’t want to tell him. ‘Cause goodbye would be the end of everything we had been through and everything in between for us. There’s such time for that; at least for now, I’ll be able to devote my remaining hours to him.
“K-Kaya mo na akong i-iwan?” He asked a question that broke my heart into small pieces.
I kissed his hand as I held him tighter. I don’t want to lose him. Ang sakit sakit sa puso. Kasabay ng panghihina na nararamdaman ko ay ang sakit na galing mula sa dibdib ko. Hearing those words hits me differently.
“I don’t know… I didn’t know,” I said while trying to confront him. “Y-you know I’ll be in the right hand if that’s what happens, right?” I asked him.
Ni isang salita ay wala siyang sinabi; umiyak lang siya ng umiyak. Like how many years I’ve been here. More than 10 years, but being with him is just like forever… that I’m scared to lose him.
I’m afraid of death… and though I’m scared too, sometimes we need to accept reality and face the outcome. Rason kung bakit tayo nabubuhay para patunayan natin ang ating sarili. Maybe I’m done flexing myself. I’m done with my mission, which I’ve already accomplished. Kaya siguro kailangan ko nang magpaalam dahil iyon lang ang oras at panahon na ibinigay sa akin. The world is selfish. I want to live one more time, but the world is against my will. Maybe I should face this as well, as I just fought the best battle I’ve ever had.
“G-Gusto mo… na m-magpahinga?” He asked me, still never wanting to let his hand on mine.
Hindi ako sumagot o tumango kasi kung gusto ko… matagal ko nang ginawa pero nandito pa rin ako lumalaban. This is an aspect of life and the positivity of still fighting. I might have more chances to live in this world, but because of my cruel self, I contradict all of those chances. I changed for love.. and I never regretted it because that was the reason why I’m still hoping that there’s hope… na may pagasa pa para sa akin na wala nang ilalagyan.
“Y-You want me to be here until your last—” he said, but his voice cracked. “Breath?” he asked, full of courage.
I nodded….
This would be great if, before I leave this world, he will be the last person I see before leaving and choosing death.
“Y-You…, p-promise?” I asked with the weakest voice I have right now.
“Beyond forever…” he said while crying.
“I want to hear you sing a song with me,” my request.
“M-my pleasure, Laspiranza,” he said before I closed my eyes. There’s a scape tears heading to it.
Merely a soft whisper
Told me you had left
Only memory remains.
What went wrong, and where?
I failed to locate
Then the phrase,
Let me now state them.
I still have feelings for you.
I still hear his voice in my weakest moments in life.
Please express your affection for me.
Tell me you’re concerned.
Tell me if I’m needed.
I’ll also be present.
I’ll be waiting there.
I want to tell him that I’m so in love with him.. that I love him so much.
You have my eternal love,
I’ll be sincere no matter what.
Nobody is present.
Does anybody love you as much as I do?
Now come to me.
I want to stay with him through the good and the bad. I will come with him, with no other reason but to stay.
I won’t ever abandon you,
I’ll remain here with you.
With both good and terrible
I’ll remain sincere.
I adore you so much.
I will never leave you… but this time, My Taymer is not really for us. My time lapse is over and before my life ends with this world. I want to tell him that.
“My 45 days with you are enough; my time with you, Taymer, is beyond forever.”
* * *