I'm staring sharply at the empty bottled water on my hand. Mixed emotions were running allover me that I can't define which one is worth to focus on. All I know is that, I'm not feeling good today. I have no sick, just... I'm not in a good mood.
"Woah! Are you literally crashing that pitiful empty water bottled?" Someone spoke up.
And I realized I was holding the empty water bottled too tight that I can almost crash it. I put it down and stared at nowhere. In the side of my eyes, I saw her sat beside me.
Lia tapped my shoulder."So, what's wrong?" She asked as if she's ready to listen to whatever my problem is.
I stippled a small smile. It's really good to have someone you know you can lean on to, you can be with whenever you're feeling bothered. One thing I'm regretting the most is the fact that I used to doubt her, I used to judge her intention without making it a try to befriend her.
I just realized how bad I am...
"When you like someone, will you even think of going with another someone else?" I asked without giving her a glance.
"What a random question there, Van. But to satisfy you an answer, mine would be yes. When I like someone, why not think of going with another someone else? It's not that I'm cheating on that someone, because I'm not committed yet, it's merely an infatuation and none of the both of us has the right to demand when one is meeting another someone. Because what if I'm just meeting a long time friend, right? That doesn't mean I'm not sincere about my feelings towards that someone, anymore." She answered.
I processed it all before I finally turned to her. I let out a frustrated sigh.
"I got your point. None of the both you is committed to each other to demand, but how about the feelings? Isn't that a valid reason to demand? Let's say, you don't have a label but same feelings, how will you work it out?"
Her eyes squinted at me, as if observing every details of my reaction."If same feelings, it should be same trust and same faith, too. Hmm, what's with these random questions about relations? Are you... talking about Yukenzo and you?"
Shoot.
She caught me off guard. Her eyes formed in a circle one so as her mouth. She moved her chair closer than before.
"Why? What happened?!"
I gulped."I don't know... What I know is that... I don't like him! Of course, not. He's just a piece of nuisance to me, Lia! I don't like him and I will never like him!" I exclaimed.
Her lips rose.
"But why are you so defensive first?" She pointed out that made me still a bit. She giggled lightly."Aw, my bestfriend here is in denial!" What?
"Lia! No, I'm not! I'm not defensive, too, for fuck's sake!" I exclaimed out of frustration.
She stopped giggling and gave me a concern look."Then, what's going on? Why are you like this? You seemed problematic, so unusual." Am I that noticeable?
"That's my problem! I know to myself that I don't like him, I'm not inlove with him! B-but... but yesterday, I saw him with Azelyn. They are together, going home? I just feel like... something's wrong with me when it shouldn't. I don't know! I don't want to care but fuck! Why am I being affected?" I looked at her with this questioning look.
"Van..."
"He just said he has feelings for me, wasn't he? Yet he's with her! With her, that he told me his just friend but I don't feel it just like that!" I brushed my hair frustratingly.
"Van, I thought you don't like him?" I nodded."But look at you right now, what's your problem? You're demanding, Van. If you really don't like him then, reject him, like what you did to Miller. As simple as that. So... why?" My heart skipped a beat.
I stopped and stared at her.
I let her continue."You're always saying that you don't like him but here you are, you seemed a jealous girlfriend. You're jealous, Vanez. You just can't accept and admit it." She marked.
I shook my head ridiculously.
"No..." my voice were firm."No way, Lia. I'm not fucking jealous!" I denied with all my heart.
"It's up to you, Van. I'm just reminding you because I don't want you to regret if everything's already too late."
She gave me a disappointed look but I don't care. I will never admit it because I know, it's all false!
It's all false... I don't want it to be true.
I went out from the library after I stapled all of my tasks. I'm heading back now to the classroom.
"Good morning. Done with your tasks?" My stepped turned slower after hearing that familiar voice.
I looked up and saw Yukenzo, he has this small smile plastered on his lips. Huh, good for him, he indeed having a good morning. Who knows why?
"Get out of my way." I muttered coldly.
I ignored his shock reaction and attempted to pass by him but he didn't let me. I impatiently looked down on his hand holding my arm. He immediately took it away as he realized what he's doing.
"What's wrong? Cramming? Let me help you---"
"Did I tell you to come closer?" My voice turned colder. He remained still.
"Don't you dare follow me again or else---"
"Tell me what's the problem first! What's our problem?" There's a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"Everything's a problem!" I exclaimed.
I noticed I got the attention of the students passing by but the hell I care. This guy's testing my patience!
His forehead wrinkled."You can tell me the problem..."
"You are my problem," his mouth hanged open."You know what? I suggest you to stop this nonsense already. I'm serious here, Yukenzo. Stop all of these. Stop helping me. Stop following me. Stop giving me some things. Just fucking stop it!" My voice thundered.
But he seems not affected... or he was, but he's just too good at pretending.
"This isn't a nonsense for me. I will stop this if you're gonna give me one good reason why I should," he stepped closely."Give me one good reason why I should stop pursuing you?" He voiced out, clearly.
I gritted my teeth.
"B-because you're just wasting your time on me! You're just infatuated, Yukenzo. What you're feeling for me is just a mere infatuation! And I know for sure, it will vanish sooner or later!"
My knees nearly wobbled when I saw him, wide-eyed. He looks shocked after what I said but I need to continue, I know I need to. Because if I don't say it all, I'll be totally doomed.
"Besides... I don't entertain half-baked feelings. This is all bullshit..." I cursed and I didn't bother to hide my frustrations from him.
"I'm not that shallow, Vanez. My feelings for you is not half-baked, how can you say that?" He gave an intense look. I gazed at him with same intensity.
I gasped and breathed heavily.
I didn't expect I'm gonna talk to him like this. I'm not this emotional! Not anymore!
I was surprised when he suddenly grabbed my wrist and dragged me far from there. I let him do that, I favored if we're far from many eyes.
He finally let go of me, here on the back of the gymnasium.
"Why me, Yukenzo? I want an answer! Why me?! Of all girls out there..." I shook my head and smirked wearily when I remembered something."Why not Azelyn? She's a good catch, and I know she's inlove with you. Why don't you give her a chance?"
His eyes squinted."Do you really want me to give her a chance? Really, Vanez? Do you?" He sounded, daring.
I didn't utter a response.
"You saw us... yesterday?" My eyes were wide as fuck when he asked me that.
How did he know! Oh no, no, no! I need to deny it!
"Of course, not! I don't care about you and Azelyn!" I shouted angrily.
I saw a ghost of smirk on his face."How did you know I'm with Azel? I don't remember I said who's with me that time." Shoot.
I stepped back the moment he stepped twice, closing our distance. No way! I should stay hard and unbreakable!
"I-I just know..." shit! Stupid of me!
He smiled."You're jealous."
"How dare you?!" I shouted.
He didn't even flinch, still smiling, he repeated it."You're jealous, Vanez." The audacity!
"You're scared to admit it. You're scared to fall inlove with me..." damn!
I pointed him with my trembling hand."Y-you! How did you get the guts to say that!? I'm not scared of anyone, or anything! I'm Vanez Amelia and being scared is the least thing I'd feel!" I can't control my heavy breathing anymore.
This is too much for what I expected.
"Everyone has weakness," he sighed."But okay, like what I told you, I'm not the one who'd like to force anyone. You can reject me... as you want."
See? He's a coward!
My blood boiled."Is that the feelings you're fighting for? You're easy to bring down! I can't believe you!"
He looked at me confusedly.
"What? But you're saying---" I cut him off.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Even me, I'm confused with myself. What the fuck? I just told myself earlier that I'm gonna reject him! Then, what now?
"Yes! Damn it! Yes, I have fallen! I'm stupidly inlove with you! I'm so stupid, right? Fuck I can't believe I'm admitting it! I like you---no, I'm inlove with you! Ironic, right? I should hate you, you know? I should hate you, that's all I should feel about you! But... it's the other way around..." my shoulders fell.
I know I'm now fucked up. Really, really fucked up. I finally admitted it.
I never imagined I'm capable of doing it...
Lia's right, I'm just in denial.