|Vanez Arnaez|
"Thanks, grandma." I muttered weakly as I took the cup of coffee from her wrinkled hands.
I took a sip on it while staring at the chimney where the gritting fire reflecting in my eyes. Grandma sighed deeply and sat in front of me. The night were cold to handle, I needed to wear a sweater and cover myself with a furry blanket. It's raining outside, that's why. Every poured of the rain on the ground, on every area outside, waiting to be watered, were echoing in my ears and giving me nostalgic feels.
"Your father must be finding you ever since you left that place. Aren't you planning to come back?" She questioned out of the blue.
I stopped from my little sipping to give her a glimpse of my attention. Her natural grayish hair was flowing on her shoulders. It's been a while since I went here and saw her, it was her 64th birthday.
"Why would I come back to the place where gave me nothing but all pain and suffering?" I asked back, coldly.
She blows out a heavy sigh."To forgive, I guess?"
I looked straight into her weary eyes, unreadable and emotionless.
"It's just been days since I left. Do you think I can apply that thing? Really? That easily? I'm hurt, grandma. Your granddaughter is hurting... I don't think I can forgive anyone."
She gasped and covered her mouth. I looked away before emotions consumed me again. I'm already tired. I'm tired of letting it all out. I'm tired thinking about what happened. I'm just too tired to give a space of understanding inside me.
After I left the mansion, my feet brought me here in Del Fuego Village where grandma's living, she's my mother's mom. She really resembles her a lot, from her brooding expressive eyes, small nose and face and high cheekbones. I suddenly can't help but remember mom's lovely face every time I'm looking at her.
"But you can't live bringing the pain forever. You need to face it. You need to be brave---" I cut her off.
Back with my gaze, I hissed,"I'm always brave! I'm brave, grandma, I am! But this one... this one is different. This... I can't handle this. It's too much... it's k-killing me," I failed to control my voice not to crack."I-I feel betrayed! All my life, I've experienced betrayal! From school... from home... anywhere I go! Yes, grandma, I'm brave, but that doesn't I'm brave everytime. Especially when it comes to mom... I'm sensitive. We're very close, you know that. She's the only woman I adored since I was a kid, daddy, too, the two of them..." my hands were shaking so, I decided to put the cup on the table for a while.
She nodded repeatedly and held both of ky hands.
"Shhh... I know, Vanez... I know..." she's hushing me but I just couldn't contain it anymore, like how it always ends.
"It's so painful... knowing that he didn't care about her... he didn't even give her justice! I so freaking hate him for that! Can't he be contented? He already disrespected her by replacing her, he let others live in the mansion! And the guy I'm inlove with..." I trailed off.
She's now hugging me, rubbing my back while shushing.
"I fell inlove once and it failed. Now that I fell again, it failed miserably, more tearful than the first... and I... don't think I can deal another failed attempts... it's enough. I've had enough. I thought he's the last... I thought he won't hurt me... I thought he's different from the others. But all of it was a misconceptions. He's just stiff and looking-innocent but he's hideous, too. We're just starting but then... it immediately fell apart. Fuck life!" I shouted and laughed shakily.
"Did Martin teach you that? You have a very bad mouth, granddaughter." Grandma moved away and shook her head in dismay.
I made a frown."Come on. Don't force me to come back there anymore, okay? Because I decided to stay here. I'm staying here from now on..."
Her eyes squinted but in the end, she just sighed and nodded, like she can't do anything with that. Good, because I'm true to my words. I won't look back this time, I'm gonna focus on myself. I'll take care of her... just this once... maybe I can still make things right.
"Okay, okay, dear. You're really Charisma's daughter... brave and stubborn, can't bend that easily.." her eyes sparkled and my heart fluttered upon hearing mother's name from her."You're also beautiful like her... now, I'm missing her again..." she smiled sadly.
"I'm missing her, too..." I said painfully.
She looked at the chimney, fire reflected in her eyes. I did the same. Funny how unexpected it is, to feel peace while watching the gritting fire. It's making the cold atmosphere turned warm, very odd but perfectly fine.
"When your mother was still a mere child, she loves to play under the rain, dance while it was pouring. She's a very carefree and bubbly girl, everyone loves her. We always go to church, buying couple of cloths and many more... like a mother-daughter bonding, you know..." grandma were smiling brightly while reminiscing her and mom's moments together.
I can't help but to wipe my hot tears because the side of my eyes keeps on watering. When did I become this emotional, huh?
She tapped the armrest of the sofa, the sleeves of the silk robe she's wearing have fell, causing her pale skin to reveal.
"That's why when she told me she's getting married, I was terrified and I know it's so immature of me, at my age," she laughed warily."But who to blame? I'm too attached to my beloved daughter... I've been keeping her for years and then, in just a snap, she needed to compromise... to stay away from me to be with her new family. It's all fine with me though, it was fine... really. But why did the heavens need to get her away from me, permanently? That there's no chance for me to see her lovely face... nevermore. I lost my only daughter and the pain still lingers on me..."
"Grandma..." I called, crying silently.
She turned to me and her smile widened."But I moved on... I needed to. And that's what I'm telling to you. Though, you don't need to rush things... just let it flow, let it go. I don't want you to live full of hatred from the past. You must live in present, Vanez. You need to live freely for you have a bright future ahead of you." She held my hands and squished it.
I was eager to listen to all her about to say, nodding while understanding everything she's saying. But my decision is firm. It won't change by that, not now. The wounds were too deep to heal right away.
I need time to adjust. Time will make its way for my bleeding soul, I'm looking forward to that.
For now, I need to rely on myself because I realized in this life, you don't always depend on other people, in dark times where no one's there to be with you, you can only have yourself. Learn to be alone because not everyone will stay.