I blinked for a seconds before getting up to bed. That's when memories last night flashed back in my mind. I fell asleep while crying in grandma's lap. I wonder if she's awake by now?
I stood up and walked towards the window, I saw few raindrops on it. The sun was rising now, live and bright. I sighed and arranged the white curtains.
Guess I need to live this new life. I need to prove that I can live without them, that I can be independent...
I started fixing the bedsheets. My eyes darted to the picture frames on the drawer, there's a lot of mom's portrait, grandma and grandpa's picture, them, being together. A picture of a happy family. I took one of it and stared.
Why does things need to be left this way? Why does they needed to leave that early? I wonder how grandma dealt with all the pain by herself. I'm guilty. I'm not even there to mourn with her, to be with her when no one's there for her.
How bad daughter and granddaughter can I be? Maybe I deserved all of these, after all the bad things I've done in my life, to the people... Now, how can I forgive them when I can't even forgive myself?
That's why they can't blame me for not letting go of it too fast. I need time, I'm sure of that. And when the time comes that we'll meet each other again, I hope I can look at them already straight and unaffected at all.
I marched downstairs after I took a shower. This is a two-storey house my grandpa bought when he and grandma got married. Mom grew up here, with all the love and support from my grandparents. I could only imagine them as a contented and blissful family.
"You're awake! Come here, I made a toasted cheese bread and a hot chocolate for you!" Speaking of grandma, she welcomed me with her enthusiastic smile in the dining.
I smiled as well."Really?" I looked at the table, there's really cheese bread and hot chocolate! She still remembers my favorite breakfast, huh?
"Thank you so much..." I rested my head on her shoulder and hugged her.
She tapped my back."All for you, my granddaughter. Go and eat your breakfast now before the hot chocolate get cold." She faced me, smiling still.
I nodded and sat on the chair. She watched me eating. I asked her if she already had breakfast and she said yes. I'm surprised even I've been here for days now, I just can't believe she's used to wake up this early as her morning routine, going to her own farm to take a look on her fruits and veggies there. I don't I can do that. How amazing.
"What's your plan for today, hmm?" She asked suddenly.
"I'll probably search for a public school and enrol there? Or perhaps, I'm gonna look for a mere fast food chain whose hiring an student? I want to earn on my own while continuing my study so..." I shrugged.
"Oh my Amelia..." she looked at me heartily and held my hands."I'll help you enrol to a school again, alright? I'll guide you stand up on your own. I'm sure your mother is very proud of you right now..." she added.
Something pinched my heart. I never thought of that. I never thought of mom being proud of me, because why would she be proud of me when all I did was to make trouble anywhere I go?
"I just realized lately... before I forgive someone... I need to forgive myself first. Before I accept them... I need to accept myself first. When I said I wanna leave everything behind, I mean it, and I'm gonna do it." I stared at her proud face.
"You have my support, my dear,"
True enough, later after breakfast, I went outside to visit the schools near the village, I'm looking for a good quality and a well-mannered one and good heavens, I found it immediately. Not like Clinton High, it's simpler and more minimized. Besides it's a holiday week, only admins are staying in their offices.
I talked to the administrator and gave him my credentials. I bit my lip while waiting for his decision, he's currently reading my previous records. I feel like I'm regretting something. I regret wasting my time, all I did was to cause trouble in others instead of focusing on my study. Maybe they're right all along. Dad was right. I did nothing but be a troublemaker. I'm so annoyed to others when all in fact, I'm also the living nuisance in their lives.
Is this the remorse I got?
"Your records... seems you got it bad, Ms. Arnaez," my eyes fell after hearing it from the admin."But I'm giving you chance because why not? You have a good grades and you can still improve the rest." He added and smiled.
I lifted my gaze up as my hopes get up.
This is it. It's not yet too late to make a change.