Wanwan said, I should cherish the memories. She said, I should move on and be happy because you're already in heaven.
F**k that.
If you're going to leave, I'd erase every remnant of your existence in this world. I'd destroy everything you had touched. Everything connected to you. Everyone you loved.
'If you're going to leave..'
'.. Please, bring me with you.'
Why can't they understand that I don't want just the memories of you? I want you; the entire you. Not just.. your shell.
'Please, come back to me.'
If I must, I'd destroy everything to get you back. So you'll choose to return, get mad and scold me for being unreasonable.
'If I could turn back time, will you finally look at me? If I was given another chance, will you be able to love me?'
'If I meet you again, then I..'
What did I say back then to Eunuch Xu? Something about Bai Suxin being the most dangerous person I met.
I came back. I traveled back in time. 'This time, I will protect you. This time, you can't escape.'
"I know you told me not to take any medicine and food from Lady Bai. But Your Highness, you're sick. We need help. We need food and medicine for you to recover. Lady Bai is a good person. She cares about you. Please, don't turn her away."
No mistake this time. No one is allowed to interfere with my plans. Not even you. 'I forbid you to leave me again, Bai Suxin.'
I smiled wryly when I realized that I was really just a fool. I thought finally god pitied me; I got reborn; I could.. keep her now.
"Who are you? You're not her."
The eldest daughter of the Prime Minister House, with the familiar plain face of hers; the world is crazier than I thought.
"This woman is not Bai Suxin."
"W-what?"
Everyone acted the same. Every thing were the same as what I remember. Like I was trapped in a time loop.
I watched the course of events happened like what written in some ridiculous book; one after another, I started to feel numb, like I was not the person involved but more like a foolish bystander.
I went to Southern Border and won, conquered the Chu Empire and returned to the Capital with the title 'Nan King'. I repeated the same life again.
"Where is the lady?"
I see, my fate was sealed. Fate was still cruel to me. 'Is this my punishment?'
"I'm Bai Suxin."
I chuckled. "No. You're not her." I put a hand to her throat, feeling the blood drain from her face.
"Y-Your Highness, I am Suxin, the person who loves you dearly."
Because the real Bai Suxin would never looked at me like that— like worshiping a god! The real her would never say those words of affection!
"Y-Your Highness! Akh! P-please let go." Both of my hands tightened around her throat, depriving her of air.
"Ahk!"
This woman clearly have the same face as her, the same voice, name and identity as her. But why does my heart..
"Where.. is she? Where is the lady?! Return her to me! GIVE HER BACK TO ME!" My memories of my different lives started distorting.
"I need to see her. Let me see her! She can't leave me in this world alone. She can't."
Like a piece of wood, I threw the woman to the ground. Her coughing continued as she gasped for air. "Spare me. I'm begging you, Your Highness. Please don't kill me."
"Drink the tea." The real Suxin, would prefer to die than remain to my side.
Here it comes; the end of my third life. As the sun climbed over the mountains, the rays hit my eyes; freshly fallen snow sparkled in my hand. Beneath the snow field, thousand of dead bodies were burried.
And soon, I will too.
I lay there, sword on my chest. As blood pulsed painfully in my throat, I waited.
This feeling.. I know too well. It's the feeling of.. death.
Like a fool, that poisonous woman would always come to my mind and I'm gonna spend the last moment of my every d*mn life thinking about her.
'Bai Suxin..'
My skin felt cold, my breathing was shallow and my heart was freezing over.
'Was it fate?'
As though my mind was screaming out to die, the angel of death slowly spread his wings to embrace my decaying soul.
"Your Majesty!" Chu Wanwan kneeled beside me, screaming to the guards. "Protect His Majesty!"
Honestly, I want to stop counting. So that I can spare myself from disappointments. If Suxin aren't here; where is she? If this world, doesn't have her, then..
'Suxin, what should I do? I'm getting tired. I want to see you.'
Should I burn this awful place, so you'll pity these people and decide to return to me?
'Where.. are you?'
I came back again. I reincarnated the fourth time, still she wasn't there.. to the place she was supposed to be–
The Left Prime Minister manor.
Should I destroy this world so I can come to you? "How dare you wear her face? How dare you look at me using her eyes?"
In this fourth life.. I met another woman who looked just like her. "With this lips, how dare you utter lies?"
Just another fake!
"Longing for her, even breathing became painful."
I never experienced yearning like this, so strong it's consuming my entire being. Yes, I'm angry. But my anger was as strong as my desire. My hate was as strong as my obsession.
The sense of yearning and pain was too intense for me to let her go. I would be lying if I said I wasn't affected. I dreaded her rejection. If she look at me with disgust it's the same thing as sentencing me to death.
The more I despise her, the more I desire her.
If you go somewhere far away, if you're gonna run away, make sure not to let me catch you. Even if you become a ghost, I won't let you go.
"Li Han, why are you.. such a fool?"
'Bai Suxin!'
I was starved for much too long. I wish I could swallow her up in one gulp. Her lying mouth, her mocking eyes, even this plain face.. they're mine.
"Now, tell me. Do you need help?" Those careless words.. reminded me to the first day I met her.
This day.. the day she became mine.
"I will be gentle."
In spite of my words, my rough movements didn't stopped. As the strong and wild thrusting continued, seductive moans escaped her lips. Our breaths intertwined. Lips pressing. Nibbling.
It's no longer a fantasy. I'm not just dreaming. She really became mine. My body was melting inside her. At the touch of my lips on her flawless skin; I promised myself..
.. to love her right.
I want her to know, I like her too much. That's why I can't hold back.
"My Bai Suxin. My wife." My love. My obsession.