Deanara Samaniego’s POV
“The plane has crashed.”
It was the news that broke everything. Normally, I wouldn’t care about a plane crashing if it doesn’t have anything to do with me. Not that I am mean, but people usually don't care about anyone as long as it doesn’t concern them.
Now, it concerns me, because this isn’t some random stranger who was caught in a plane crash. It’s Gray. My soon-to-be-husband. The love of my life…the father of my child…and everything was in a plane crash.
“What the hell is happening?” I could no longer recognize my voice because I was crying the whole minute until we got into the scene where the plane had crashed. And, it wasn’t on land. It was in the middle of the ocean, so I really don’t know how to handle these things.
Fuck! Why is this happening?
“Let me go with you!” I kept on telling the rescuer. “Please!” I was already crying and breaking down while a lot of people were surrounding us.
I am not sure who they are, but the police were already talking to Gray’s family. Ethan was the one holding me right now as I am close to breaking. I really don’t know what to feel. It hurts so much knowing I wasn’t sure where he was right now. What if he didn’t survive the crash underwater and is now dead? I shouldn’t be thinking about this, but I freaking know what’s going to happen if we will not find him now!
“Calm down, Deanara!” Ethan was trying to hold me but I was already making a scene. My eyes were already blurred, my mouth was already dry…and I could no longer breathe.
“Deanara, you are pregnant!” Ethan hugged me and I cried inside his arms. “You need to calm down! Let’s go!”
He tried to remove me from the scene, but I won’t just budge. I kept on pulling myself from him and trying to go to the rescue boat to help them…but I knew I couldn’t do it.
I am so weak right now. Why is this happening? What did I do for this to happen? This isn't right. We were supposed to have a happy family and now…now we are here. He was supposed to be with Sae and get close to his son. How could he do it now? Sae was waiting for him in our house. What am I going to tell him, then? How is he going to accept this…and everything? This should be the start, but why does it have to end?
I should not have left him. I should have stayed with him. Gray was supposed to go home with us. But, he wasn’t able to. They told me that he wasn’t the one driving the small plane since he wanted to get some rest. He also told me that he will not be flying the plane before he ended the call.
He was talking to me. He was still alive, telling me things he would do when he got home. Then, after an hour…I received a call saying that the plane had crashed. What am I supposed to do? This was so sudden that I wasn’t ready. Fuck! No! Not this, not now that we are close to a happy ending.
“Please, find him.” I told them.
Gray’s family was already there including his father and grandfather. I am glad they didn’t say anything to me. For Gray, they set aside our issues. After all, Gray is more important than anything else.
“Let me go with you!” Ethan was already holding me. He was trying to stop…until I fell on the ground and my tears won’t stop falling.
“Please…” I pleaded. “Pleaseee…Ethan!” I sounded hopeful while he was carrying me inside his arms. “Not now…”
“They will find him.” He assured me. “We are going to do everything to find my brother.”
I don’t know how long I have been crying in the scene while they were busy looking for him. I know I should not be doing it because I need to be strong and I cannot fall down. However, I couldn’t help it. Maybe it was also the fact that I am pregnant and my emotions just won’t let me go. I felt like exploding any minute. My whole body was weak now…until I could no longer breathe. I couldn’t even understand what they were saying. The last thing I knew was the rescuers stopped searching for him because the rain started pouring. I remembered running to the sea, feeling the cold rain towards my body, before I lost consciousness.
I woke up in a white room that people called the hospital. My head was spinning and my body felt really hot and cold. I could no longer distinguish it, but the first thing that came into my mind was my child. I sighed a relief when I still felt the child inside my stomach. Then, it all comes back.
“Gray!” I yelled. The nurses came running towards me as I tried to get up. I felt Sae’s hand around me trying to stop me. He was already crying that I had to stop, so as not to make him worry.
Upon seeing him cry, that’s when I realized that I am not being logical. I am using my emotions which I should not be using any moment in time…because I need to think clearly. Using my emotions won’t do me any good especially now that I am carrying a child. What will Gray think if I will not take care of myself and our baby. Of course, he would get mad at me if something happened to our baby. That’s something I cannot let happen, so I need to take care of myself.
Okay, let me now get back to myself.
I deeply inhaled as I reached for my son, Sae.
“I’m scared…” He was already crying. I wiped the tears in his face as I tried to calm him down. I could feel that his breathing wasn’t stable and there was fear in his eyes as he looked at me. “I thought I was going to lose you.”
“Ssssh…you are not going to lose me. I’m sorry.” I whispered to him as caressed his back. He was telling me something, but his voice wasn’t clear enough because he was crying. I felt pity, at the same time I was guilty because I thought too much of Gray that I forgot about Sae and the baby I am carrying. I need to be okay for them.
“Don’t do it again, mother…” He held my waist as he placed his head on my chest. “I love you…okay?”
“I’m sorry…”
I couldn’t remember what I did, but maybe I really did try to drown myself in the water…trying to save Gray, but of course I am no superhuman that can save him. The plane crashed in the ocean and it would take time for them to look for him. But, I am hoping that there is some progress now.
“I’m sorry, mom, but I cannot afford to lose you. I don’t know anything about Uncle Gray, so don’t you dare risk your life for him.” He started scolding me as he wiped his tears. “I know you love him, but can you just let them look for him. Don’t do it by yourself or I’ll do it for you!” He warned me.
I smiled a bit even though I could no longer form a smile. It was hard for me to even laugh at this moment because I am thinking of the possibilities that Gray might be dead. He was in the middle of the ocean and who knows what happened in the middle of the ocean. What is the probability that he is going to live when chances are so small. I am not the only one who knows that, even his family knows that. He might be a good swimmer, a pilot trained for events like that…but third parties…which are independent of our will can occur so there is no way that he’ll survive. Okay, I am being cynical but I want to think of the worst case scenario because I might expect and fall down after that. I just want to think of the worst, then be happy because it didn’t happen.
“Where’s your Daddy Ethan?” I asked, trying to change the topic because I don’t want to lie to my kid. I don’t want to tell him that I am not going to look for Gray when I am already planning on helping the coastguards look for him.
“He’s out there, talking to the doctor.” Sae wouldn’t let go of me. The nurses were standing on my side, perhaps, someone told them to look closely at me. And, I am not wrong, it was my mother who just went inside…looking at me. She’s mad, but I saw a bit of concern. After all, I am her precious daughter. But, there is no way she’s going to tell me that. She’s going to get mad at me first.
“What do you think you are doing?” She asked even though she already knew about it. “Don’t you think it’s a bit rude for your son to risk your life for whom? Gray?” She sighed as she caressed her head. “Can you just let them handle it? I also sent some troops to help them.”
I ignored what she said. I am fine. I felt a bit stressed and my body is really weak right now, but I am fine. Maybe it was my mind that’s exhausted from everything, so my whole body could also feel it. Nevertheless, I am fine and there is no way I am going to let this stress get in me. I’ll be more stressed and worried if I will sit tight in here knowing that Gray is in the middle of nowhere. How am I going to handle it if he dies? He cannot just die. We just started our story again…and he’s going to leave? I might be able to handle it if he left because of someone else…but because destiny played it cards? No way! I let destiny have its way before…so there is no way I am going to let it ruin us again.
“How long am I sleeping?” I asked her. “How long am I here?” I tried to move from the bed but Sae stopped me. Now, I have to wait for him to go before I proceed with my plan, but I don’t think he’s going to let me…with my mother in front of me. She’s now sitting on the couch and I believe she is here to watch over me.
“Two days.” She replied. “That’s how long you have been sleeping.”
My eyes blinked. I started panicking because two days is already long and up until now they still don’t have any news about Gray. That’s something I should not let go of.
“Wait, and there’s no news of Gray?” My heart was about to explode and I felt like I was going to lose my mind any minute. “No way! There is no way I am going to sit here…”
“They already recovered the plane…” My mother started. I could see that she was trying to pick her words which made me even more afraid of my life. Should I hear it? Should I pretend that it doesn’t matter anymore?
Fuck! Why am I palpitating? I didn’t even drink coffee but my heart was beating so fast as I stared at my mother. Sae looked down, avoiding my gaze.
“What is it? Tell me! What happened?” I started to raise my voice. “Don’t stop. Tell me!”
“They recovered the dead body of the pilot.”
My jaw dropped. The pilot is dead…but Gray. she didn’t mention Gray yet.
“And…Gray?”
“The co-pilot was already dead, mom.” It was my son who said it. “We already visited them.”
“What happened to the plane?” I asked. Okay, I need to ask something about it just to prolong the agony because I felt like I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
“There’s an engine failure.” My mother explained. “They were able to crash near the shore, however, there was a rain that night…that they were washed away by the waves. The pilot and the co-pilot both were found in the nearby island. So, we are looking for Gray on the nearby island.”
“So…” I inhaled. “He’s not yet dead, right?”
There is still a possibility that someone saved him, so he’s not yet dead. Yes, I believe in that. I believe that he is still alive and he is going to come back to me. He promised me. We are going to get married…and live in a happy family. So, there’s no way that he’s going to leave me.
“We are not sure about it.” My mother replied.
“He cannot be dead.” I held my stomach. He cannot just die like that without taking care of Sae and our new baby. I stood up. My head was already spinning, but I tried to show that I am fine. This might be due to the medicine or from too much thinking. Nevertheless, I cannot let this affect me. I need to be okay even if I am not really okay.
“I need to help them.” I insisted.
“No!” It was my mother who stopped me.
Just then, Ethan went inside.
“Come on, Deanara. You need to rest.” He stood in the middle of me and my mother to stop us from hurting each other. “You need to rest.” He repeated.
“You know I can’t just rest.”
Ethan sighed. “What will you do? If they cannot find him…what makes you think you will be able to find him?” Ethan was so serious about it. “I helped them find them. But…”
“It’s only been two days, Ethan. Then, why are you giving up?” I glared at him.
“I am not giving up, Deanara. He is my brother.”
“Really?” I am not picking a fight with Ethan but it seems like I need to say this because keeping it really breaks my heart. I shouldn’t be keeping things from myself starting now because it doesn’t help me at all.
“Is he your brother?” I scoffed. “I don’t think…”
“You don’t question my intention with my brother. We might not be on good terms, but he’s been with me throughout my life no matter what happens…he is still my brother.” He emphasized that. “So, you don’t dare say that.”
I sighed. Sae held my hand and shook it. “Please…don’t fight in front of me.”
“We are not fighting.” Ethan went up to him and brushed his hair. “We just need to talk about this. And, your mother needs to rest. Do you agree with me?”
“So, you are not going to allow me to look for Gray?” I frowned. “I am his fiancee, so I have every right to look for him. Why can’t you understand that?”
“I understand every word you say…” Ethan emphasized that. “But, you are just making it worse now. I would allow you only if you are not pregnant.” He seriously told me. “Gray will surely get mad at me if something happens to you so can you please…”
“Leaving me here will just give me a lot of stress…and that’s not good for the baby.” I warned him. “I can take care of myself. So, it’s up to you. You want me to stay here to kill myself—”
“Are you seriously saying that in front of your son?” He looked at Sae who was now looking at me with sadness in his eyes and disappointment. “He’s your father.” I told him.
“He was never a father to me. But, you are my mother. And, I cannot afford to lose you.”
I sighed. “You are not going to lose me. We are just going to look for your father. You promised me you’ll give him another chance, right?”
“Deanara, you are being stubborn!” My mother stood up and almost hit me with her paperfan. “You are making us worry!”
“If you don’t want to be worried about me, then allow me…” I seriously told her. “Allow me to join the search for him. If not, then you will really have something to worry about.”
Of course, they were not able to stop me from actually looking for Gray. I am not sure where to find him. My mother also helped because she knew that I won’t be able to sleep at night knowing that he’s gone.
We tried our best to find him. Every island, every place where the ocean could lead us. We went in there to find him. It wasn’t easy because it’s been weeks since it happened that the rescuers wanted to stop us from searching because it’s impossible for him to be alive.
Weeks were added days until it became a month and they stopped searching for him. They all gave up because they knew that it was really not possible for him to be alive at this state and we couldn’t find him anymore.
They gave up…even his family…even Ethan. But, I didn’t. I was the only one moving.
I was the only one looking for him. And, my world just stopped because that’s all I focused on. Sae was even hating me because I couldn’t take care of him anymore. It’s been a year since he was gone and it was something I couldn’t move on so I continued to hire search rescuers to find him even if I know it’s impossible now.
But, I still cling to the fact that he might be alive. After all, there’s nobody. They didn’t retrieve the body, so there is no way he’s dead. I would like to believe that. There is no way I am going to move on.
It’s been two years. Our children are already growing. And, I am afraid that as time passes by…I am starting to lose hope. I am starting to give up like how everyone gave up on him.
Do I really need to give up now?