He felt like a stranger, or perhaps it was Heo who felt estranged between the two. The thrilling sound and lights, though jubilant, seemed to push everything apart. It was a new experience, different from before. Reflecting on the past, the strange looks, the spark, the feelings—all difficult to articulate positively. He termed it a moment of despair. Seated beside each other, words failed to escape their mouths, creating a small yet seemingly vast distance. Were they the only ones feeling lifeless amid the two who seemed lively? No vitality, no spark of interest. This odd scenario wasn't something he anticipated.
Last night, after Heo picked him up from 7/11, he did take care of Tret. However, when they woke up this morning, Tret noticed that Heo had suddenly become cold and distant. Despite spending the entire day together in their room, they remained distant, rarely talking. Though Tret wanted to address Heo's strange behavior and ask if he was okay, he found no courage to utter a word, feeling hurt by Heo's actions.
Now, they were in Han's room. Han tossed a glass of beer. Just like they had discussed before, a 'movie marathon' this afternoon because Han and Wren were bored. However, instead of just a movie marathon, they added cases of beer. Han called it a chill time, but for Tret, it felt like despair, especially as he glanced at Heo, who seemed equally unenthusiastic. Tret sensed that Heo's mind was elsewhere, perhaps not in a good state. Lately, whenever he spent time alone with Heo, he noticed Heo deep in thought, as if wrestling with a problem he couldn't share with anyone.
He watched as Heo slowly tossed the glass brimming with beer, each drop seemingly emphasizing his emotions. However, Tret considered that maybe Heo was simply tired. Clearing his throat, Tret gently placed his shot glass on the table. Approaching Heo's seat slowly. Awkward! Moving closer to someone seemingly oblivious to his presence felt strange. Yet, they were best friends, weren't they? His confession hadn't marked the end of their friendship. Didn't he assure Heo that regardless of what happened, he would remain his best friend?
Han interrupted. "You know..." Han faced Wren. "There seems to be a problem here!" He glanced back at both Tret and Heo. "We're watching an action movie, but your faces suggest otherwise! Do you guys think we picked a tragedy instead?"
Heo shrugged. "I'm just tired. Probably not okay." He sighed deeply and looked away.
Tired? Yet, he had slept the entire day. Tret thought that a whole day of sleep obviously caused tiredness. He slowly glanced at Heo. Indeed, tiredness was evident all over his face. Tret also noticed that Heo's cheeks were turning red due to the amount of beer consumed. Now, he was close to Heo, feeling the warmth of Heo's leg and body, but Heo didn't seem to notice Tret.
"You guys have a problem, right?" Wren asked. Then, he raised his shot glass and drank its contents. "Things won't get settled if you keep it to yourself! We don't mind whatever business you have!"
"I don't have a problem." Heo's response came in a loud voice. "You know who has a problem?" He challenged. "The one who isn't contented. I gave my all."
Tret felt the sudden burn in his cheek, rising to the corners of his eyes. And down to his heart. He got what Heo meant by his words. Why was Heo suddenly acting this way? Did he not know something? Had he done something wrong? Tret was acutely aware of the meaning behind Heo's uttered words. He wished he wouldn't hear what Heo had to say next.
"What?" Wren's question sounded like a challenge. "What's with the attitude, Heo?"
Heo chose not to answer, continuing to drink. Meanwhile, Tret struggled to hold back the tears welling up in the warm corners of his eyes. He was hurt. What could he do? He thought that drowning himself in alcohol would numb the pain. He sighed. Among the three of them, only Tret had consumed a small amount of alcohol. But he wanted more. So he poured more beer into his glass. It was full, and he downed it in one gulp. Wren and Han looked at him.
But it seemed like Heo still didn't care about him. Heo's attention was fixed on the flat-screen television, watching the action movie they had put on. One, two, three, up to eight glasses were consumed by Tret, and no one dared to intervene. Tret felt his surroundings shifting, as if tilting. When he stood up, it felt like he was being battered in the head, and he witnessed the room spinning. Helpless, he could only return to the sofa. Han turned off the show, sat beside Tret, and asked if he was okay.
"Heavy question. Next please!" Tret replied in a slang tone. "But do you think I'm okay?"
"He is not okay!" Heo interjected.
Tret attempted to stand up, but Han stopped him. "What's it to you, Heo? What does anyone care if I'm not okay? If I'm sick? If I'm broken? What do any of you care? It's easy to ask if I'm okay or not. But if the pain were known to you, would you share even a small part of it and bear the weight? Wouldn't you?" He couldn't hold back tears. "They already know... that I fucking love you!"
Heo stood up and grabbed Tret's shirt. "Yes, everybody knows it, it's been known for ages, it's just you who hasn't been true to yourself!" He let go of Tret's shirt. "Do you believe that, huh, that nobody cares about you! What do you want me to do? What?"
"That's enough," Wren reprimanded. "If I had known this would be the situation, I'd rather be drinking at the bar. Han, you take care of the two."
Tret looked at Han with his narrowed eyes. "Leave us alone, please!"
Han simply nodded and stood up. He left the room and closed the door. Tret let out a long sigh. He looked up at Heo.
"What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know what's with you, Tret! We were good yesterday, right? What's your problem? Share it, I'll listen!" Heo pleaded.
Tret shook his head. "I want you to disappear."
Heo was left gaping at Tret's words. He stared blankly at the ceiling, as if seeking an answer. Several times, he released heavy sighs. "What's wrong with you?" He gently asked, changing the subject.
"I love you... Is it my fault?"
"No," Heo replied weakly. "But there are people who aren't destined for each other. Just like you and me..."
"But you said yesterday that if one day you felt something for me, you hoped I would still be Tret, the one you felt something for. Heo... Can that day be today?" He cried.
Heo gently wiped Tret's tears. "I hope so. But it can't be, Tret. I don't want to force myself. Because in the end, I know it's only you who'll get hurt. I don't want to leave you with a broken heart, Tret. You're my friend, and I don't want to see you in pain." Heo also started crying. He was anticipating something in the future. How could he stand to see his best friend in pain?
"It's not your fault for loving me. I changed because of you. Did you notice? I tried to be sincere, a good person. I'm not the same Heo you once knew. I became kind. But maybe now I'm forcing myself to love you. Yes, I can do that, but what about you? What if it's only for now and tomorrow it's gone? I can sacrifice myself for you if that's what you want?" Heo roughly wiped his cheek with the back of his hand.
Tret stood up, even though he had no strength due to the alcohol he had consumed a while ago. He pounded his own chest. "Why say 'if in the future' if you ever feel something for me... I know you won't. You know why." Tret pulled Heo closer. "Because I'm not a girl! And we're best friends. You love our friendship, right? And falling for you, it says a lot about me, as if I failed the friendship we have!"
Heo slowly and gently tapped Tret's shoulder, locking eyes with him. "It wouldn't be an issue even if you're the only bisexual here. Even though I'm straight, I still believe that love transcends gender. The mind can't dictate what the heart desires, Tret. And I don't want you blaming yourself for falling for me." He pulled Tret closer and embraced him. "I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I apologize for causing you pain over the years, knowing full well about your feelings for me." He could feel Tret's warm tears landing on his skin.
"Heo, I can't bear to lose you! Please don't disappear!"
But Tret had said he wanted Heo to disappear a while ago.
Heo shook his head. He couldn't promise that. He might disappear in the future, who knows? Nevertheless, he wanted to make Tret feel special, even though the scenario might be bitter. "I can't promise that!" He finally said and swallowed, feeling a lump in his throat. And he tightened his embrace around Tret even more. He felt like Tret wanted to let go of his embrace, but he wouldn't let him.
"I wanted to feel loved without feeling like I was begging for it."