The night was dull. Tret ate everything Heo offered him, and the only thing that ever caused his cheeks to flush was when Heo fed him and tightly gripped his hand. Heo never allowed himself to be apart from Tret.
Heo seemed to act like a loving boyfriend that evening. Although Heo had already demonstrated such actions and gestures to Tret a year prior, they were nothing new to him, and despite this, he continued to live in his mental fantasy world.
It didn't cost him a dime to daydream about the guy his heart had been pining for so long, but it did leave his mind jarred and unsettled.
He enjoyed himself and appreciated the cool breeze of the Davao night. He didn't know if that moment would ever happen again. They lived in a world of constant change, and he made preparations for what might happen tomorrow. The future is unpredictable. His emotions would eventually die in his heartland since they would never blossom.
He hoped that Heo would give him a sign to confess. He knew from the beginning that he was just a younger sibling to his friend. Despite how kind Heo had been to him, Tret still harbored deep feelings for his best friend, which made Tret hate himself.
Because he was not satisfied with companionship, he frequently broke down and cried in his bed, yet each morning he rose and faced the world. He understood that falling in love with a straight man wasn't simple.
It probably wasn't his fault that he fell for his friend. It was an irresistible feeling. The more he tried to stay away and forget Heo, the more he shattered and hurt.
What should he do in those moments when it was just him and Heo? Han always told him to confess. Maybe he should listen to Han. But he was constantly weighed down by his what-if scenarios.
What would happen to him if he lost both Heo and the friendship? Tret couldn't fathom Heo leaving him broken and crying and just walking away.
Tret looked at Heo, who was happily talking to the young man grilling the native chicken liver. His lips twitched. Would Heo understand him this time if he expressed his feelings? But wasn't it enough that Heo accepted him for who he was before? He lowered his gaze as Heo faced him. The chicken liver was already cooked.
Heo smiled. "Here, try this, Tret!"
He took a look around before turning to face Heo. Few people glanced at them, some looked disgusted. His heart ached for the man who shook his head and spat on the ground as he observed them as if disgusted by them.
This was excessive, and some people might conclude that they weren't best friends. The man observed their hands. They might be mistaken for lovers by some. Yet why? Is it impossible for two men to fall in love in a society where a straight relationship is the norm?
He chose to release Heo's hand. He saw Heo surprised by his action. He also declined the chicken liver Heo offered him.
"Tret... W-Why?" Heo asked, trying to lift Tret's chin.
"Gayness," said the old lady who passed by, seeming to be disgusted by the two of them. "Gay!"
Tret shook his head out of disappointment. "See? You heard that right?" He wanted to cry, but he controlled the warmth in the corners of his eyes and looked up. "People think we're lovers. It disgusted them."
"Lovers?" Heo asked, scratching his head. "I don't believe that's how people perceive us. Is it unfavorable to see two males holding hands in public? And why do you care what other people think about you? Pay attention to the few people who are telling the crowd to be good. It matters what you do well, not what other people think." Heo sighed.
"Heo, I'm bisexual, and you know that-"
"And Tret, I've always been the one who could understand and accept you."
Tret grinned. "For that, I always appreciate you. All the time, you were there for me. Nevertheless, if you look around, some people treat me like trash." Tret stopped, and when he continued, his voice was broken. "How callous it was. I find it awkward to be called gay or to be addressed by my gender identity. Particularly if the term 'gay' is used in place of 'weak' or 'bad'. It offends and insults me. Some Filipinos are so clichéd." He shook his head and turned his back and walked away.
Heo followed him patiently.
Tret stopped almost thirty meters away from the crowded market. He sat and heaved. Heo stood in front of him. Tret tried to avoid Heo while averting his gaze. Tret desired to vanish. But when Heo knelt in front of him and held onto his knees, he slowly looked at his face.
Their gazes met.
Heo had calm, compassionate eyes. Heo's face was a refuge of safety. Tret could bury his face and sob on his enormous chest. Since he pretended to look up to Heo as his best buddy, it has been a long day.
Now that he was too weak and lacked even the smallest amount of strength, he had nowhere to hide within himself and no energy to conceal his feelings. His words were just about to come out of his mouth.
He didn't lower his gaze, and neither did Heo. He didn't know if Heo was observing every corner of his face. Heo gently ruffled Tret's hair.
He sighed. "My apologies. It's acceptable to cry; just let the first tear fall, and I'll wipe it away. But if it was my fault, I apologize. I'm sorry if I lacked the will to defend you from those people because I failed to recognize how frail you are."
He slowly closed his eyes. He felt the warm liquid of his tears falling from his eyes and Heo caught them and wiped his cheeks. "I-It's not your fault." He opened his eyes and looked into Heo's eyes again. "If I embarrassed you, I apologize. Because I'm not straight, people assume that we are lovers, and that was the worst thing I could have done for you. Heo, I apologize for that." He bowed his head.
"What are you thinking? Why do you always care about what other people think? You haven't done anything wrong. I don't care if people think we're boyfriends, as long as I know the truth."
His eyes widened suddenly, but he didn't show it. He heard it right that Heo was okay with other people thinking they were a couple as long as he knew the truth. So, was that the sign he was looking for? He sighed, as always, trying to express his feelings through his breaths.
"Thank you!"
Heo smiled. "Or, do you want to tell me something, Tret? I'm waiting, and I'll listen!"
Was that the perfect moment? He parted his lips, but words couldn't leave his beautiful lips. Heo stood up and sang a song in his melodious voice. It's "Somewhere Only We Know," his favorite. He sat and listened to Heo.
Tret listened to Heo as if he were attending a live performance, applauding in support when the song ended. After the music, he stood up, though he wasn't quite sure why, and suddenly hugged Heo.
Heo wasn't surprised and returned the hug. Tret felt Heo's arms wrap around his back. As Heo finished singing, his words whispered in the back of Tret's ear.
"Somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know."
Tret closed his eyes as he pulled away from the embrace. He felt a warmth spreading through him as Heo's lips brushed against his forehead, and a flurry of butterflies danced in his stomach. In that moment, he felt love. He felt a sense of belonging.
As Heo stepped back, Tret's heart began to race. Could this be a signal to confess his feelings? But he couldn't help but wonder when Heo might reciprocate his affections.