"What happened? You don't eat it." Harry looked at me.
I rubbed my hair back. "I eat half. Kite poured this down this morning."
"Oh." He put the tray on the floor and hurried out, then came back with a mop, cleaning it. Fuck. This is a setup, don't fall in love, my subconsciousness reminds me. "You can have your tea girls," he said.
"Thank you," Jean said, carrying two cups of tea, and strengthening one to me.
"I haven't brushed my teeth, maybe you should drink it all."
Jean widened her eyes. "I can't drink it all. It would get cool before you brush."
"You can drink it before you brush," Harry said.
"Oh, no. I can't do my thing that way." I remember back then when Mrs. Eliza gave me a tea in the morning and I gulped it wanting for more before brushing my teeth. Harry was looking at me, and it seemed he remembered that day, too. He carried the plates of the food he brought last night and walked out in silence.
Jean was feeding Kite with water saying, "why are you keep hurting him like this?" She looked up and was scared for I furrow my brow. "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to your..." She pointed at Kite.
Lier. I don't care. Is it by force to drink tea? Is it by force to love someone? Jean drained her cup of tea and put mine on the sofa.
"I told you to drink it, I won't drink until I brush."
"You can come back and drink after you brush."
"I don't like cool tea." I yawned, covering my mouth.
"Go dress then."
I looked at her. "When are we going out?"
"Soon."
"Soon?"
"Where?"
"I haven't known." She laid down on my bed. "Annie, you are enjoying. Is this a dream or something? Is Harry talking to me alive or in my dream? I can't believe the most handsomeness in A4 group could talk to me."
I walked into the bathroom, closed the door behind me, then sighed. God, I am tired of all this. My friend too wants me to accept Harry, but I can't lust or fall for him, because the first time had taught me a lesson.
Boys attitude can never be predicted, he can change his behaviors to bad at any fucking moment like my dad. I remember my mom told me my dad was nice when he want her, but after he got her and they get married, he changed. He changed to a monster she didn't realize he was. My mom had taught me to look at one mirror, two faces. I was naked before the bathroom mirror, a sexy girl was staring at me. I sighed, then switched on the water.
When I returned from the bathroom, a plate of food was glistening on the sofa.
Jeans smiled. "Harry was a good cook."
"Who owns that?" I jabbed my fingers towards the food.
"You of course. Harry make it for you."
"I'm not hungry, and I'm not going to eat it."
"Why."
"Nothing."
She kept quiet, rubbing the fur of my cat. I opened the wardrobe, Jean was irritating me. I won't take it easy with her if she wants to force me to accept Harry or want to force me to eat the food. I wore a long gown I often wore to the church.
"Annie, you should be sexy today."
"I'm not going for a date."
These were the clothes I love wearing every Sunday. I looked into the wardrobe mirror, combing my hair. I feel tired somehow, and I don't want to follow them. I feel like staying at home.
I sat beside Jean, staring at my bookshelf. "I still have a lot of books to read. I don't feel like following you guys."
Jean looked at me, and disbelief appeared on her face. "You what? You don't want to follow us? Are you not happy Harry wants to tell us out?"
"Why would I be happy?" Knowing him had caused me a hint of great sadness. I don't want to know him again.
"Annie, was Harry that bad? You hate him now to that extent?"
"Don't get me wrong. I don't hate him. To me, he was like every other guy. Just don't put me deeper into this talk, I might say what you don't want to hear."
"Annie, Harry really loves you."
"Oh, my god, this is shit. I can't believe Jean can say that in my presence when she knew how bad I suffered. "He loves you. You should consider his love. Don't consider all his past mistakes."
"Jean." Thank God, my voice was gentle, but inside I am boiling. Boiling like I should send her out of my room, out of this house, and out of my life. "Is that why you are here." To talk me into this nonsense conversation? Crap.
"Annie, all girls in school want him, but he chooses to love you."
"Must he love me, must I accept him because other girls yearn for him? See, that doesn't concern me, Let me be. I want to focus on my education."
"Annie, why are you acting like this? Why did you change all of the sudden? I know you love him."
"Yes, but that was back then. But now, I don't love him again. Please let's forget about this."
She sighed. "You have a hot temper. If I was you, I would have forgiven him and accepted him. You can't even accept him because your bosom friend begged you."
"My bosom friend knew how bad I was hurt and how I cried."
"Can you lower your voice?" Jean asked.
"Sure." I raised it. My bosom friend was just blinded with just a nice attitude because she stay one day in his car. I don't want to be with the bosom friend that doesn't want to respect my feeling. This is bad, God, this is bad.
She moved close to me, Kite was in her hand. "He loves you."
"I don't want to be with the bosom friends that don't want to respect my feeling," I said at last.
She raised her eyebrows. "You don't want to be with me again, Annie?"
"It seemed so, you are irritating me. You can go date him if you want to. I don't want him and that is it. If you don't want what I want, maybe you should just stay away from me. Maybe you should just get out and leave my room and my life."
She dropped Kite. "Well, I don't want what you want."
"Bye then."
She frow her furrow as I hurried to open the door widened, waiting for her to just disappear. She walked out. I slammed the door behind her and locked it.
I was exhausted. Jean, who often allow me to cry on her shoulders, who suffer with me, and who often console me in the library, changed.
Back then, she loves what I love, and support my ideas, but now, she was just like my dad. It seemed I didn't know her before. Would she leave me forever?
Sadness swirled within me as I sat down on the bed gazing at the food on the sofa. Was it by force? Was it by force to love when your heart doesn't want to agree, and when you're afraid to fall in love?
I reach out for clothes in my wardrobe, cleaning my tears now. Don't mind them, my consciousness said that, just focus on your education, don't forget you want to make your mother proud, not Harry or Jean. I clean more tears now, but it seemed they had lost their backbones, they flow more, and then I leave it to flow. I walked to my bookshelf. Looking for a book for healing, something to hypnotized me away from this awful world.
My hand reach out for a novel titled 'Heart Speaks', I went back to bed. My tears were falling on the page now. Kite, my cat crawled to my leg and I rubbed my fingers on her fur.
Out in the snow to get me from shedding tears behind the closing door. I dug my hands inside my sweater, sauntering amid the road; amid silent trees. Reading novels had failed to pull me in this time, so I had to go out and do everything to get myself from thinking about what had happened.
I blame myself for letting Jean go away. Harry had come into my room asking me what happens, but I had nothing to say; nothing to do than to go out after he ran out to stopped Jean.
Maybe I was born to lose everything. I tried to escape the thought through the novel, but I can't help myself, neither the novel. The thought dragged me to the darkest place and open my last wound.
Glancing about amid the swirling snow, I felt the thought again. I was born to lose everything. It start from losing my father, and now I lost Jean.
Harry drove beside me, saying, "Annie where are you going? Come in let's go out."
"I don't follow you. Go alone."
He parked the car, hurried to me. "Annie."
I waited not. He ran to my front. "I am talking to you, Annie."
"What?" My voice carried a painful tone. "What else do you want?"
"Annie." His voice want to calm me but raised me more.
"You destroyed my happiness." Tears were dropping in my eyes. "My Jean was yours now. So what did you want from me again?"
"Annie, you have to calm down."
"Just let me be."The words dropped one by one and then I walked away, heading to an unknown place. I hurried out of the trees, and lean my back at the wall, watching cars moving into a petrol station. An old man walked to me, gazing as I was crying.
"Kid... girl... you need help?"
I looked at him and said slowly and politely. "Yes, I need help. I need to be left alone."
I dashed into the trees again, my legs were weakened and I sat on the bench under the swirling snow; whirling leaves. I felt a little relieved until Harry sat beside me again.
"I can't just let you go."
What the fuck. It would be better to keep quiet here, it seemed to me that he likes to see me cry and I won't satisfy his hunger here.
"I would never let you go. I don't need anyone else. If I can lose all my friends for you. I won't let you go. I believe you would feel the same for me one day. Annie, you have changed my attitude. I can't just afford to lose you. Even if you don't accept me, I won't let you go. I won't give up until you get married."