For some reason, the face of the woman who had appeared many times before now began to fill my head.
 
"My mother... you want to show me how the memories of my mother aren't that scary, so that I can open up, right?"
 
I tried to banish the image of that face from my mind, but it seemed to be getting harder and harder. I felt disturbed and anxious, as if there was something I should know but couldn't reach. I tried to recall memories of my mother, but all that came up were vague and indistinct images.
 
I couldn't connect the dots, which frustrated me even more. "What should I do?" I muttered to myself.
 
Just as I was trying to gain consciousness to focus on what to do, a soft voice suddenly sounded in my ear. "Mom is always by your side, even if it's only in memories now. Don't worry, open your heart, and let the memories with Mom shine in your life."
 
It would have been a relief if it had been the real thing. But unfortunately, it was just wishful thinking. I turned to Lily and stared at her for a long time.
 
"Lil stop. I think this is more than enough; you don't need to make things even more distant. I think this is more than enough," I reminded her.
 
"Saeran ...." Lily did not immediately listen to my words but instead looked at me for a long time.
 
"I know you are trying to avoid the truth, but you will have to face it someday. It would be better if we talked about it now," she said in a soft voice.
 
I shook my head as I took a deep breath. "Lil, you know I've been trying my best to avoid this. I didn't want to complicate things and make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. I think this is hard enough for me," I said in a slightly choked voice.
 
Lily looked at me with a sharp gaze and looked a little disappointed. "I understand, Saeran. But you must remember, everything that is kept secret will lead to doubt and distrust one day."
 
I felt a heavy pressure inside me, but I chose to ignore it. "Never mind, Lil. I think I need some time to reflect on things myself. We can talk about it another time," I said firmly to her. I didn't want to make things complicated because of that; I wanted to make her understand the situation I was in.
 
I knew I had to finish this conversation someday, but for now, I chose to postpone it and ponder on my own. I hoped that everything would be fine and that I would be able to overcome the confusion and uncertainty that always haunted me.
 
"Are you going to keep choosing to run away, Saeran? Even though I trust you," Lily said doubtfully. She looked like she was unsure of her own words, even though I was certain that she was trying to keep me believing in her. But still, that won't make me change my mind.
 
I turned to Lily. "No. I never decided to run away from this problem. It's just that I think that this is not the right time for us to continue discussing this kind of thing," I said honestly. I looked at Lily intently. "Is something like this something you can't listen to properly? I appreciate how you want to make me understand. But on the one hand, it seems like you should also understand how the person you're trying to help feels."
 
Lily gasped as soon as she heard my words; she looked surprised.
 
She bit her lip in doubt. "I'm sorry, Saeran," she said in a soft tone. "I'm just worried about you. I'm afraid you'll keep getting stuck in this problem with no way out. I want to help you and make you feel safe."
 
Hearing his words made me feel confident, and it seemed like he did care about me. I smiled at him understandingly. "I know, Lily. And I appreciate your concern. But right now, I need to deal with it on my own. I need time to reflect and figure out the best way to get out of this."
 
Lily nodded slowly, understanding my decision. "Alright, Saeran. I will still be here for you, whenever you need me. I believe in you, and I'm sure you will find your strength."
 
Thank you, Lily," I said sincerely. "I'm lucky to have someone like you by my side. I won't run away, but I will face it with my head held high."
 
Lily smiled gently. "We'll face it together, Saeran. We will get through this together." We looked at each other, full of confidence and hope.
 
Although there were still doubts in my mind, Lily's presence made me feel strong.
 
"It's true that I believe in you."
 
 
 
But I knew that such words were filled with falsehoods, so I decided not to believe her too much.
 
Damn it! How can this world be won by sweet words? Even though I knew that Lily's goal was to help me. Still, the hole in my heart would never, ever heal just like that. The sense of encouragement that Lily wanted to instill in me was merely to make me believe that there was such a thing as hope.
 
I can indeed believe in such a thing. But remember, I will never live to get out of the pit of bitterness. If this wound in my heart can only be healed by sprinkling sugar, then the pain will never heal.
 
"Lily, I'm sorry I can't," I said to her, filled with regret.
 
"Saeran ...." Lily looked surprised; she certainly would never have thought that I would hurt her. Of course, such a thing might never have occurred to her. But I, who am still an ordinary human figure, can certainly do it. I'm still a human... I'm filled with feelings of inadequacy that are often evident in my actions.
 
Lily collapsed in front of me. She was clutching her stomach, which continued to ooze white blood. Seeing her like that made me certain that a creature like her would not die so easily.
 
"I will never leave you," Lily said while holding my legs. She still seemed to be trying to hold me back. But it certainly didn't stop me from leaving her. She's just a stumbling block in my eyes if only I keep holding her back.
 
She's useless... I've had more than enough of her acting all sweet and making me lick my saliva. I can't stand it; if I keep doing this kind of thing forever, I feel disgusted.
 
"Lily I will never really leave. However, remember this one thing: you can never purify me. You're only trying to cause yourself more harm by forcing me to live according to your wishes." I stared at Lily as if she were just a dark shadow in my heart.