Kim Devon’s Untold Story Part 1
Five meters...
She was that close to me yet it seemed like we were a hundred miles apart. We used to be always together. We practice together and everything we do makes everybody who knew us envy. That’s how we use to be. That’s how we were. Now, seeing her from afar breaks me. If I wasn’t that stupid, if I didn’t make that mistake before, will it still hurt like this?
And there she is, with another idol, her smile glowing, shining like a sun, my hand landed on my chest, clutching it like it was being struck by a knife.
It hurts.
It fucking hurts I feel like thousands of needles are being pricked into my heart, killing me slowly.
I feel like I'm slowly suffocating, and the air around me isn't enough to keep me breathing...
Is it so selfish to wish that her smile is directly for me, only for me?
Yeah, because you broke up with her, remember? I told to myself, answering my own question
I wish she is mine...
Like how it was a few years ago.
Both our teams have a performance together in Trinity Show, she, continuing their team's promotions while I, will be performing a comeback special with my members.
She was walking gracefully, her other member walking beside her and we're about to get past each other.
Our eyes met, my heart about to burst.
Those eyes, they still have the same color... She never wears contacts.
Should I greet her?
And then her eyes focused on Noah before bowing.
"Hello sunbaenims!" she greeted.
I had to pick up every piece of my heart which had shattered on the floor.
She's still as beautiful as I remember.
Sadly, I let her go.
---
"Beautiful..." I whispered, my eyes focused on the stage, her part playing while she cutely dances while singing her line.
She always had her ways of acting all cute. That's her strength and she has that ability to enthrall her audience with just her smile.
I should know, coz that's how she got me.
Acting cute all the time but she gets the most serious when it's about performing.
That's how much she loves her craft which I admire the most.
I felt someone nudge me by the shoulder, Jiro, his eyes were wide as he points the huge screen opposite us, my face flashing on it.
Shit, did the camera caught me whispering that?
---
"Hyung, what are you doing?" Jack crouched down to my level, trying to check the screen of my phone.
I shrieked in surprise, quickly locking it before he sees what I was watching.
My cheeks flushed red at his confused expression.
"I was just monitoring our performance last time so I'll know what to improved," I awkwardly told him, my voice shaking a little which makes him be even more suspicious.
Sometimes I hate the fact that I can't comfortably lie in front of our members.
The truth is, I was watching a focused fan cam of her recent performance in Trinity Show.
I have always been so proud of her. Even before the debut, I know she will make it big.
Too bad, I can't tell it straight to her face.
"Dev, I'll head down to where the others are. Make sure to follow immediately, okay?" I nodded at Joseph's words as I tie my shoelaces while sitting on the couch inside our dressing room.
We're recording for our promotion and the rest had been on the stage already.
Normally, I'm the first to greet our fans before our stage but I wasn't really feeling well since last night.
Once done, I checked my reflection in the mirror, fixing my jacket a little.
I was walking in the hallway when I heard two people talking.
Then I saw her, smiling once again to that sunbae she was talking with the other day.
Her smile, it's still as pure as I remember.
Fuck Devon, get a grip of yourself.
My heart clenched at the sight of them.
Are they now dating?
Unable to handle the sight before me, I turned on the next hallway, taking the longer route to get to the stage.
But before she gets lost from my line of sight, I caught her staring at my direction, my heart skipping a beat.
Sadness, was that the glint I saw in her beautiful eyes?
"I'll go first," I told the boys after we did our last dance.
Feeling a little dizzy, I started heading back to our dressing room, leaving the boys to talk with our fans.
Just when I turned on the corner, I almost bumped into her and our sunbae.
My inside felt heavier.
Why do I always have to see them together?
After bowing and saying my greetings, I was about to move past them when my eyes caught the look she has on her face.
Was she crying?
The sight of her eyes getting teary made me stop from my tracks, my body turning to her direction.
"Why are you crying?" my voice stern, my jaw clenching along the process.
Her eyes widened at my words and our sunbae stared at the both of us, confused.
"It's nothing, Devon sunbae." she bowed and my hands balled into a fist at the sound of her calling me sunbae.
Once she lifted her head, our eyes met and her brows furrowed a little after studying my expression.
"Are you sick?" she asked and I was taken aback by her words, her eyes widening as well after realizing what she just said.
She always knew it whenever I'm not feeling well.
"Wait, are you guys close or something?" our sunbae asked, his tone sounding a little annoyed.
She turned her head back to him and bowed.
"No, sunbae. I'm sorry but I need to go," she mumbled, bowing to the both of us before leaving, my eyes following her diminishing form, I did not even notice I was left all alone in the hallway.
And it felt so empty.
Or was that my heart?
---
"Hyung! Are you sure you can perform?" Jiro asked me worriedly.
I had been sneezing a lot since last night and today, we are filming a performance for Trinity Show
"Right, why don't you sit this one out? Our fans would understand." Sylver hyung mumbled as I stare at them while we wait for our turn.
My eyes softened at the sight of my members.
"Don't worry, I can still manage. If tomorrow I still feel shitty, I'd definitely take a rest." I assure them.
A long sigh escaped Noah's lips and soon enough, they all went outside to head to the stage, me staying a little so I can drink a medicine.
Just right after I went out of the door, I was startled to see her standing outside, still on her stage outfit, her back leaning on the wall as she stares at the ground before her.
I had to avert my eyes for a moment at the sight of her abs.
Wow, when did she start working out?
Once she realized that I am here, she lifted her head, our eyes meeting, and of course, my stupid heart beating rapidly once again.
The fact that I'm still not feeling well makes it even harder. She just looks so amazing, I almost forgot how to breathe.
And then she lifted her hands, my eyes now focusing on the paper bag that she's carrying.
"Thanks for yesterday. Here, I made a lunch for you," she mumbled, my eyes landing back on her beautiful face.
Were her cheeks blushing?
We stood there in silence and I was too shocked to realize what is happening.
"Devon, you're being too rude. Why are you not accepting her gift? Her arms will hurt." my head turned to Joshua hyung who was smiling cheekily at the both of us.
That brought me out of my trance.
"Ow, right. Thanks for this." I grabbed the paper bag on her hands, and she flinched a little at our sudden contact.
My eyes widen and our eyes met once again.
She felt that right?
The spark, we still have it.
And then she bowed, before quickly running away from us, my eyes following her footsteps.
I felt a tap on my shoulder, "What was that? I didn't know you two were close?" Joshua hyung asked and I did not answer.
Close? I snickered to myself.
We were more than that...
A few years ago...
If I only didn't mess up.
--
"Shit." I curse after my left foot tripped on the leg of my bedside table, my hands reaching out for it, feeling the pain draining out my energy.
I was alone in the dorm, the rest of TRIGGER headed to Trinity Show to shoot our performance.
My fever was quite high that the team and my managers didn't allow me to perform, even earning a lot of scolding from Sylver and Joshua hyung.
They even went as close to sending me to a hospital but I declined.
I can still manage. I'm been to worse. But I'll surely give in if I think I have to. I don't want to worry them even more.
Just right when I went out of the room, I heard a set of feeble sounds coming from the kitchen, I stopped abruptly.
Shit, is that a thief?
I was sure I was left alone in this house.
Devon, you have to check it out!
Sometimes I hate the fact that I easily get scared.
Slowly, I headed straight to the kitchen, my heart beating rapidly.
Oh God, I can't die this early.
Just when I turned on the corner, I screamed out loud when a body bumped into mine.
This is it. I'm going to die.
But I guess I was wrong.
"Oh shit!" My eyes widen at the sight of her.
She was there, on the floor, pain visible on her face after her butt landed straight to the floor.
"That hurts Devon," she mumbled and I was left frozen in my place.
Am I dreaming?
"What are you doing here?" I asked as I help her stand up properly, my hand touching her and I am still contemplating if she's real or not.
Her brows furrowed, her eyes scanning my messy state.
"Joshua oppa told me you are sick and that you need company," she whispered, her cheeks blushing and I swear my heart leaped out of my chest at the sound of her voice.
She's real.
She was in the kitchen, her back facing my direction, her hands skillfully working as she was preparing for a meal for me.
I watch her in a distance, sitting on the chair watching everything unfold before me.
She's here... for me...
She's here, cooking for me like she always does before because she knows I suck at it.
Without even thinking, my feet swiftly moved its way towards her, my hands wrapping around her waist, my head resting on her shoulder.
She stood there, frozen, unable to move, startled by my action.
For a few seconds, we were standing, feeling each other's warmth, like how we usually do, a few years ago...
"Devon..." she muttered, breaking the silence between us.
"Five minutes..." I whispered, "Just give me five minutes, let just stay like this, please..." I pleaded.
I need this.
And she let me, my eyes closed, feeling her on my arms.
I wish this moment would stop so I can stay with her forever.
"Drink this after you finish your food," she mumbled, putting the medicine on the saucer so I can take it after I finish the food that she made for me.
I have never had a porridge(congee/juk) this tasty before, or was it because it was her who cooked?
After drinking my medicine, my eyes landed on her, a smile showing on my face.
"What do you want to do?" I asked, might as well use this time to create new memories with her.
Our eyes met, and as if we were thinking the same thing, we both shouted in unison,
"Movie!"
We both headed to the living room, her arm clinging around mine...
My eyes landed in her direction, her face focused on the front not even realizing what she's doing to my fragile heart.
Am I selfish for wishing that I always get sick so she will take care of me, so I can feel her on my arms again?
"I wish I can have you back...." I whispered to myself.
But I know it's impossible.
Her lips puckered as she keeps on searching for a perfect movie.
She had always been like this, so meticulous about everything.
Every time we had a movie night, we'll end up not being able to finish the movie. First, because it took so long for her to decide what movie to watch...
Second, it's because we keep on talking about a lot of things that we tend to forget the movie is still playing.
When we were still together, we talked about a lot of things.
We shared the same passion, dancing.
But when everything had gotten so hard for the both of us and the possibility that we can't debut, I let her go.
I can't let her stay,
Not when she's about to lose her dreams....
----
"That was so stupid, honestly," she mumbled before she started giggling, her right arm hitting my chest while my arms wrapped around her waist as we sit side by side by the couch.
I don't even know how we ended up like this while watching a movie but who am I to complain?
I chuckled at her words, the sight of her laughing makes my heart flutter every single moment. To be honest, I don't even understand what's happening in the story anymore.
All I can see is her, smiling directly at me.
"Devon, do you remember when we used to sneak out during training days so we can watch a movie together?" she asked, the glint in her eyes was mesmerizing.
My eyes soften at her words.
"Yeah, and you'll always create the loudest noise on the hallway which always, but never, almost caught us every time," I muttered and a huge smile emerged on her lips at the memory of it.
I wish we can do it again... I wanted to add.
Her eyes were focused on the movie before us, my eyes ended up studying her side profile.
As always, she's still so beautiful on every angle.
Before I even know it, her name went out of my mouth and her head snapped to my direction, our eyes meeting and thousands of emotions were clouding on it.
Just before she was able to respond, her phone which was resting on the table started ringing, my eyes catching the name flashing on the screen.
It was him.
My smile dropped in an instant and her eyes landed in my direction.
Regret, was that the emotion I saw on them?
Her hands landed on her phone and after reading the message, she looked at me once again, the words I was dreading to hear coming out of her mouth.
"I'm sorry Devon, I have to go..."
And then she walked away...
Again...
This time, she's leaving me,
because of him...
"Oh, you’re going?" I heard Noah from the door. And then I heard her answer yes to him.
I did not bother walking over. She told me not to send her out anymore.
Is that how much she hated being with me?
My eyes were close as I felt a hand tap me on the shoulder, and I saw Noah's face.
He knew.
Along with Sylver hyung...
They knew about from when we were still trainees.
And I guess Joshua hyung now knows seeing he told her I was sick.
My eyes softened at his worried look. I turned around and check if the others were here.
"They were on the convenience store on the other building," he stated as if reading my mind.
I guess he made sure she is no longer here before the others arrive because they will surely be taken aback.
I smiled at him, thankful at his gestures.
At least I was able to be with her even for a short time.