Lily’s Untold Story
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My eyes landed on the stage, the loud cheering, the light sticks, him.
Kim Devon...
He'd fulfilled his dreams. I knew he'll become one of the biggest kpop idol of our generation, bagged it since trainee days, back when we were so in love.
We just had a performance and we were seated on along the other fellow idols who attended the show. It's TRIGGER who's now performing.
My eyes started to moist at the sound of his voice, and if it wasn't because of Nari, I wouldn't know that my face had been focused on the big screen where everyone can see.
I turned my face away immediately, afraid that the fans would see how affected I am becoming right now.
My glance fell down on the floor, my ears hurting not because of the loud music but the blaring of my own heartbeat.
"I'm sorry but I don't think this is working out..."I whispered, before turning my back and walk away, away to the very same person I walked away from a few years ago.
A long sigh escaped my lips.
The gap, it has widened.
I thought finally debuting will get me closer than I originally had been with him, but I guess I was wrong.
I should have known.
Or deep inside, I was probably aware.
I am not the one for him.
He's up there, and I'm just...
I'm just he---
"Lily?" I was startled when I heard someone calling my name.
I turned around and realized that I already walked past our dressing room. Nari was looking at me worriedly.
"Are you okay?" she asked as she walked closer to where I was standing. I didn't realize that she followed me when I walked away.
My eyes locked into hers.
Yes, I'm not okay. I wanted to say but the words seemed to stick on my throat. Lately, I’ve been receiving so many harsh words coming from my fellow idols and even some letters from fans. My social media accounts were full of hate messages.
I thought things were hard when he first broke up with me. But after being back together, I realize it was not meant to be. I don’t deserve Kim Devon. And those people who tells me that I don’t, they are right.
I don’t deserve him.
Even after all those years, it's still so fucking painful. The scars, they don't heal. They remain fresh as if it's being curved back with a sharp knife the moment I try to move on.
Sometimes I want to ask myself if my decision was right. f I didn't walk away and accepted everything, would we still have those sweet Tuesday movie marathons?
If I stay, will he still leave?
There are so many thoughts that are clouding on my mind.
Sadly, I will never find the answer.
I can't get him the answer. Because everything is over, we're over.
He seemed happy.
Those smile, it melts me on the outside but his smile tears me on the inside. Every time I see how much of a ball of sunshine he is, the more I realize that he's totally fine without me on his life.
Just when I thought I had already moved on, why do I have to sneak on his performance when I know I'll end up breaking myself even more?
My body started shaking a little, my hands balling into a fist. My breathing started to get shaky.
Nari must have noticed because she pulled me closer to hug and engulfed me with a warm hug while her left hand brushes my back in attempts to calm me down.
"It was because of him, right? That man from years ago. The reason why you don't want to watch movies on Tuesdays," she added and my heart clenched even more.
I never told my members about him. Well, except Nari who knew a just a little all because I ended up having a breakdown before her.
But I never told her his name. I can't.
Just uttering his name makes my heart beat so fast, it's actually ironic.
How can someone who causes me so much pain be the same person that causes my heart feels like it's on cloud nine at the same time?
After so many years, he performed that song again, am I being delusional to think that those words were actually directed for me? That he was singing it again because he wants me back like what happened years ago?
Where did our promises made to each other go?
Did they disappear along with our time spent together?
The dominoes that fell because of our breakup
Like Juliet, and Romeo
Did I like you too much?
The heat between us won't cool down
I look back at a video of us, just needing a memory of you,
You took away the stars of my night and the sun of my day
The only thing left,
Being a single cold cloud
If there's hellos then there's bound to be goodbyes, right?
Never ever
Whatever that rule is, I want to break it
I'll turn away, hypnotizing myself
A tear fell down my cheek, and I remained motionless.
I refuse to cry out loud.
I need to get better.
We walked back to our dressing room and I grabbed my phone. My mom told me not to check the messages that I am receiving but sometimes, I can’t help it.
My hands shaking, I started reading those hate messages again. How they say I don’t deserve him and that I should be gone.
Should I really do that? If I am gone, will everybody be happy?