“ Find your discipline, find your guts, and then you'll find your freedom. ”
****
Tuesday,
— Joel — 
I wasn't sure how many hours I'd slept, all I knew was that I'd woken up to my alarms blasting in my face. 
Sleep has always been my way of dealing with my pain and shame, it's no wonder I've always looked forward to it. 
  I freshened up reluctantly and grabbed an almost stale bread and milkshake from the kitchen, on my way to school. “ It's going to be a long day. ” I thought to myself, as I mounted my power bike and drove off to school. 
“ Hey, Bud. ” I smiled when Brian tapped my shoulders. “ You okay? ” I nodded, simply finding his concern unusual. “ Yeah. ” 
“ Wanna write a song for me later? ” I sighed, recalling how we'd first met and how parasitic and one-sided friendship had been ever since then. 
“ Okay. ” I nodded, finally facing him, and didn't miss the look of pity in his eyes. 
Pity. 
I hate that. 
I've been called all kinds of names ranging from pretty face to Tom girl, given how vulnerable I was when it came to Jemmy. 
You simply have to let go.
Guys don't love. 
We lust. 
We are players and 
We always win. 
Why become attached when you could have so many girls? 
Well, how could I tell them that I wasn't used to variety? How?
“ See you around? ” Brian’s words interrupted me from my thoughts and I smiled, bitterly. “ Sure. ”
I'd just gotten to my class when I heard that voice which I'd subconsciously gotten familiar with in Just a few hours, partly because it reminds me of Jemmy and how much she meant and still means to me. 
  “ Hey, Joe. ” I turned to face her and as expected, she'd gotten that signature smile on her face. 
How could she always manage to do that? I wondered. 
“ Hi. ” I waved, quite forcibly. 
“ Nice to see you again, isn't it? ” 
 “ Yeah. ” I took a seat at my table and brought out a book I'd been reading, obviously not interested in keeping a conversation going. 
What's the use when it's going nowhere?
“ Why don't we head to the cafeteria together at leisure? ” What am I? A pity party?
“ I'm not interested. ” I unfolded the page, I'd last read before adding. “ Thank you. ” Not even looking at her. I was hoping she'd leave as soon as my words landed, how wrong I was. I should have known better. 
“ Joe. ” I felt the hair on my body rise as she took a seat beside me, I've always avoided body contact with anyone except Jemmy, especially after the previous night's abuse. 
Trying to ignore her, 
I focused on the poem I was reading. 
Hearty Is bleeding.
Hearty is pain. 
Hearty is aching.
Does anyone even care? 
Whether I live or die?
Does anyone even care what 
What do I do with my life? 
Does anyone even care how or where 
I will end up?
How can I stop this pain from overwhelming me? 
How can I stop the bleeding of my heart? 
How can I learn to smile through the pain? 
Will I ever be normal?
Will I ever be lively?
Will I ever be happy?
I've got a bittersweet story to tell. 
One of love and heartbreak. 
One of pain and gain. 
One filled with tears and laughter. 
The memories are as bittersweet as the moments were. 
The memories, though almost full, never cease to brighten up my heart. 
Maybe I shouldn't have fallen in love.
Maybe I should have avoided my feelings at all costs. 
Maybe I should have treated it as a plague, just like they'd advised. 
Perhaps then, my pain would be less severe. 
Perhaps then, my wounds will be less deep. 
Perhaps then, my hurt will hurt less. 
Crying over spilled milk has never been an option. Has it?
I will be fine,
Someday. 
I turned to face Cecile, just in time to see a tear drop out of her eyes and then I realized what had just happened and how detrimental it could be. 
Why was she crying? I was barely able to comprehend what was going on. 
.....
   — Cecile —
I'd never seen eyes so dull and filled with so much hurt and pain. 
Though I'd only gotten a glimpse of the poem, my heart couldn't take the heaviness and ache that rushed through it. 
How could one person face so many conflicted emotions? 
How could one person face so much pain and heartache? 
 I turned towards him and our eyes locked in a reverie. 
His orbs were filled with an emotion I failed to describe, despite being an A-plus literature student. 
Words failed me at that point, 
Though I've always trusted a lot in their efficiency. 
They didn't come when I needed them, this time. 
 The longing and pain in his orbs were deep, so deep that I felt a long hose could be pulled into it and it still wouldn't arrive at the depths it was meant to. 
I see a man longing for happiness, that seemed to have disappointed him and become nonexistent. 
I see a caged bird, fighting so hard to be free. 
I see a man broken beyond words and redemption. 
“ Joel. ” I reached out to him, hoping he'd hear me from the depths he seemed to be lost in. 
“ Joel. ” I called him once again, preparing him for my next action, one I'd been meaning to do from the very first moment I'd met him. 
He’d frozen in shock in my embrace, for a moment, I'd thought he would pull away from my tight embrace, but he didn't. “ Joel. ” I called out again, getting him used to the sound of my voice. 
“ You will be fine. ” I broke free from the embrace, only to face the questions in his eyes. Ones he'd fought to keep hidden, but couldn't do so anymore. 
The vulnerability of that moment was so intense that I had to grab a kerchief from my purse to wipe out my tears. 
   “ You deserve to be happy. ” 
Happy? That sure tastes like a bitter pill in his mouth. 
How could he be happy when he'd lost the only reason for his existence? 
How could he be happy when he'd slowly been turned into a porn star by the only family he had left. 
How could he be happy when his heart hurts so much that he fears it will tear apart soon? 
 Happiness was a choice, but how could he even dream of it when breathing feels super difficult? 
Besides, happiness was only for the saints and if one thing. He wasn't a saint. He was far from being one. 
“ We are committing an abomination, Joel. That makes us the greatest of all sinners. ”
“ Greatest of all sinners? ” He'd always been curious about those words as a little boy. 
“ Yes, greatest of all sinners. Don't ever hope for redemption, Joel. We don't deserve it. ” The scenes came to him in flashes, and he felt it again.
Condemnation. 
“ You are one step away from your happiness, Joel. ” 
“ One step away? ” That sounds like the cruelest joke he'd ever heard. How could he be one step away when all he sees ahead is an uncertain future, slowly fading into nothingness? 
“ You can be happy, Joel. If you choose to. ” What was he choosing? He suddenly couldn't recall exactly what it was. 
“ You've got one shot at life, Joel. Do you want to spend it miserable? ” He'd been miserable since birth so what's the point of changing it right now?
“ What would Jemmy want? ”
Jemmy.
He felt his head spin until his eyes widened in shock at the girl in front of him. “ How did you know about her? ” He didn't realize how intense his words sounded until he felt her flinch.
Still, he wanted to know and he needed an answer, right there and there. 
.....
A/N: Wow! Finally! What do you think, guys?