Chapter 30: Mourn and Grief
Ezra’s Point Of View.
I COULDN’T feel that I’m crying. I couldn’t feel that my heart was aching like I was supposed to. I couldn’t feel anything.
Well, maybe I’m numb now.
The pain caused by yesterday shreds my heart apart. It makes my chest heavy and all I want is to explode to let the burden out.
“Ezra, have you eaten yet?” Kiana asked.
I have heard that question for almost the third time today. But as usual, I didn’t bother to utter a word because she, for sure, knows the answer to her question. I haven’t eaten these past few days, I can’t sleep in tears, I don’t go out of the room, only now. I am not talking to any of them either.
Today is my Mom’s wake. I wore shade sunglasses so they wouldn’t notice my puffy eyes. I also don’t leave next to Mommy’s coffin.
At times, I even thought that she might even open her eyes. She might even live again. But I know that’s absurd, that’s unlikely to happen because fantasy doesn’t exist in the real world. I don’t want to give myself a false hope anymore. Although I wish I could dream of her every night to see her again.
“Ezra, eat now,” Kiana insisted, but as usual, I ignored her.
I don’t want anyone to talk to. I want to be alone even for the meantime.
“Please, try to eat. You haven’t eaten anything for how many days, do you want to get sick?” she added, holding the tray of my meal.
“No,” I replied. “But to die, yes.”
She stared at me dejectedly and tearfully holding both my hands. I looked straight at her, no emotion could be traced on my face at the moment. It was as if I forgot to be a human with feelings and emotions.
“Ezra, please! Don’t talk like that. What about us?” she tearfully reprimanded.
“I’m so tired…” I raised my head. “I want to be with Mom. I want to end my suffering. I want to follow her. I want to die now.”
Her eyes widened as she let go of my hand and angrily presented me to her.
I wish I could tell everyone that I am drowning with my own thoughts. That I am dying in misery. That I, too, have storms and the depths of life this world is putting me into is unimaginable. I feel so inept, and to think that I can do nothing about it, makes it even more awful.
“Do you even hear what you’re saying?! What about us, Ezra? I’m aware you’re not in your senses and I understand if you feel mournful. We were also hurt by what happened to your Mom and could hardly move forward and then, I will hear from you that you want to die, too?! Think about how you will leave us! If you die, how about your Daddy? How about your friends, including me? How about Hyde?” I bent down with tears forming in the corner of my eyes. “Is that the way it is? Is it that easy for you to give up life? Can you dare to leave your loved ones? It would be okay if you ever come back, but what if you do disappear into thin air? We don’t have someone to wait for anymore because you’ll never have the chance to return!”
My vision became even more blurry because of the tears. I tried to keep it from coming out because I know by the time the tears come out of my eyes, it will definitely continue to drip and never stop.
“Why are you so selfish, Ezra?” Her voice cracked, and the pain was recognizable.
She walked out and those with us approached her, who’s weeping her eyes out. Maybe I was wrong. I didn’t mean to say those. My brain became too closed because of Mommy’s death. I can’t think straight nor look for comforting words to say. I’m slowly losing myself.
“What happened?” Jeremy asked me when he got closer.
I kept my mouth shut and didn’t respond to his question. I don’t want another mistake. I don’t want to hurt another with the words I will speak.
I turned my back on them and stood up to see Mommy’s coffin in a nearer view.
“Leave me alone, please. I want to be alone…” I begged in a whisper tone. He nodded and respected what I wanted. He left me there and went back to Kiana and the other.
I was dumbfounded, staring at nowhere. My brain is going blank. I wanted to apologize to Kiana but I didn’t know how to begin. I forgot that I'm not the only one hurting now. I forgot that Dad was hurting too, the seven, especially Kiana for me. I was carried away by my sorrow and grief. That’s why I’ve said those sensitive words.
I wanted to cry but I couldn’t cry anymore. I want to sleep but drowsiness does not visit me. I’m hungry and I want to eat but I don’t have an appetite. I wanted to speak but I had nothing good to say. I don’t know what to do either. Everything is so unclear and complex to me.
I turned back to look at the coffin. I watched Mommy’s whole being peacefully lying down there. She’s in good hands now. She’s in a safer place and I couldn’t be any more relieved.
I miss you so much, Mom…
***
The next day was Mommy’s funeral. Daddy and I didn’t want to make her vigil longer, that’s why it was only one day.
We stood up as the priest spoke. We’re in the cemetery and doing the ceremony at the moment. Because of what happened, Kiana and Xavier didn’t get the chance to talk again about their failed marriage.
Everyone close to us and to Mom attended. Some of her business partners also came, even Auntie Xy, Eomma and Hime, Kiana’s parents and her, as well as the seven.
I didn’t let the Tans go, nor one of the Tans. I also heard that Raiko has been detained and there is no exact schedule for when the hearing will take place because we are busy with the funeral and none of us have any plans to look back at the past again yet.
The priest has already begun the ceremony. It has only been two weeks since we lost Mommy yet it felt like she’s been gone for years. I’m missing her every second. It hurts but I could do nothing to bring her back.
If there’s only a way…
One by one, the attendees as well as Dad and I approached and threw the flowers we were holding on top of Mommy’s coffin. Many cried and could hardly believe what had happened.
Mommy is known to be strict but she is the opposite. We have had misunderstandings before, but there is still nothing in the world like my Mommy’s love for me.
The priest blessed the coffin and performed the ritual. We prayed fervently. When we were finished, they slowly lowered the coffin. I released the white balloon I was holding into the blowy air, at the same time indicating that I’m going to let her soul go. The balloon went up high and far away.
“The empty space in my heart, the space you left after you floated away to be a star — I have still kept it empty. I don’t want anything or anyone to replace you. I don’t want the emptiness covered,” I whispered to the sky, hoping Mommy would listen from above. “But somehow, I am really happy for you, Mommy. You aren’t with darkness anymore, rather you have your own light. You don’t have pain, and most of all, you don’t have to face problems. I love you to the bottom of my heart and I will miss you. Although I may miss your presence every time, I don’t want to imprison myself in melancholy forever. I’ll be needing some time to accept everything little by little.” I smiled even though with teary eyes. “I hope you’re happy where you are, Mommy.”
At the last moment, I looked at her coffin before it was completely covered, which will soon be her grave. Somehow, I was happy that Mommy and I got along before she disappeared into the world. Because I don’t know how long my remorse will last if she happens to be taken from me without us two even getting along.
Daddy approached me and patted my back. I smiled at him and greeted him with a tight hug. Even though the loss of Mom hurt me, I knew it was even more reckoning for Dad because he had been with Mommy for so long and had been married.
“Did you know that your name means help?” Dad spoke as his sight focused on the sky. “Your Mom was the one who chose it. When she gave birth to you, you cried out loud as if you were begging for somebody’s help, as if you were in a hollow pain. But as you grew older, we never heard you ask for assistance. You never seek help. You make decisions for yourself. You do things on your own. But deep inside, I know you needed help so badly, Ezra.”
His words hit me to the core. I want to outcry my agony blatantly to lessen the pain I am feeling. Knowing that my name screams for help makes me feel even more vulnerable because that’s what I exactly need right now but I couldn’t ask for it. I can’t fight anymore. I’m ready to drop.
I know I’ll be okay and that eventually everything will work out. I know what’s meant for me to happen. But I need a minute to pull myself together, because the shit life throws at me gets heavy. I’m done with everything.
“You made us proud, Ezra. You don’t know how proud your Mom is to you.” Dad caressed my hair. “I hope she stays in your heart forever. She wouldn’t be happy to see you miserable like this. So in order to let go of her and move forward, we ought to accept the fact that she’s gone now. May it be painful, but the wound will also heal after some time. You’ll also be alright one of these days, sweetie. Your Mommy loves you so much and so I do. I’m sorry if ever we failed as your parents. You’re our daughter and we wanted the best for you and maybe we were wrong once, but I hope you forgive us, especially your mother. Since she isn’t here anymore, I will be the only one to protect you, while she will guide you when I’m not around.”
“You’re a tough person, Dad,” I said, smiling sparingly. “I learnt from you more than anyone in this world. Thank you for being my father.”
After my conversation with Dad, he said that he would take care of the guests first. Because of what happened, I didn’t have time with Hyde and I was very worried about him. He also doesn’t approach me because I know he understands that I don’t want to talk to anybody and he respects my space.
He turned to me when he noticed that I was looking at him from a distance. I gave him a sweet smile then I approached him.
“Can I hug you?” I asked in a low tone.
A smile flashed on his lips. Instead of answering me, he deliberately wrapped his arm around me and hugged me tightly. I close my eyes as I feel that moment.
Every time that I’m in his arms, I feel like my pain dissipates for the moment. I feel like I’m always safe. I feel like life isn’t horrible and cruel to me. I feel like I’m at peace.
That’s what I feel. That’s what Hyde always makes me feel. He’s the only one who can do such magic. He’s the only one who can calm me down and be the place for me to rest. No other than him.