Non-attachment.
"To remember non-attachment is to remember what freedom is all about. If we get attached, even to a beautiful state of being, we are caught, and ultimately we will suffer. We work to observe anything that comes our way, experience it while it is here, and be able to let go of it." – Sharon Salzberg
"Accepting what comes and allowing it to leave when it's time. What's for me will be for me effortlessly." – TheMindsJournal
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SENTHIE and Jennifer followed the doctor outside the patient's room as instructed.
"Mr. Dela Cruz is stable for now, but his family should be prepared for everything that may happen in the future," the doctor said apologetically.
Jennifer seemed alarmed and feared what she heard as she pleaded with the doctor to do everything to save Ronaldo and that she would pay no matter how expensive the cost would be.
On the other hand, Senthie was just silently observing Jennifer and smiled internally, regardless of what the doctor said. She was just grateful that her father had met Jennifer. Their relationship may not be as real as what Jimhuesh had told her, but she knew, Jennifer genuinely loved Ronaldo. Perhaps, it was just a fake relationship in the beginning, but anything could happen, they may have learned how to love each other for real. Senthie could see that, and she was certain of it.
The doctor shook his head. "I'm sorry, Ms. Anderson, there is nothing we can do about your husband's condition. We can only hope for a miracle now."
For some reason, there was a slight lurching ache in Senthie's heart. A thought crossed her mind as she watched Jennifer tried her best to hold her emotions. It wouldn't be a good idea to add another worry for Ronaldo, this news should be kept from him. With that, a tear fell to Senthie's cheek. It wasn't empathy for Jennifer, but for her father. And then, she started blaming herself for whatever happened to her dad. If he didn't try to keep his promise, this wouldn't happen. The accident wouldn't happen. Jennifer told her that the doctor assumed that something had hit Ronaldo's head with an impact as if he had fallen from a high place. He might still be fine now, working in New York, memories still intact, if only he hadn't tried to come to see his daughter, Senthie thought it was probably a plane crash.
"I'm sorry, please excuse me," Senthie muttered and politely nodded her head before she went off with no destination in her mind.
Walking aimlessly for about five minutes, she realized she had been taking the stairs headed to the upper floors. She made up her mind to just keep going until she reached the rooftop where she found Jimhuesh sitting on the ground, leaning his back on a plant box, chosen a spot away from direct sunlight, staring into space. Senthie scurried over as she wiped the tears on her face. She waited for him to notice her but he was still in a daze. Senthie sat beside him, crossed-legged, and winced when her butt felt the heat from the ground. She sighed. "Did you know that you could get a stomachache sitting on a surface that has been exposed to the sun?"
Jimhuesh turned his gaze to her slowly. "Then why are you sitting on it, too?"
"I want to have a stomachache, too." She forced a laugh. "Why are you here, anyway? You're hiding in the plants' shadows to avoid sunlight, but still, I know you hate the heat of the sun. And, besides, you should be with your dad right now. He's finally awake."
His eyes widened for a bit, but then, they became dismal, red, and teary. He looked away. Senthie's chest tightened as she held back her tears. She took a deep breath and said, "it's not your fault."
Jimhuesh turned his gaze at her. His eyes were fierce as how he strongly refused to accept what Senthie said. "How can you say that? He collapsed because of how I disrespectfully confronted him. He was pressured to remember everything because of me. I didn't know he was suffering from a fractured skull. I only learned it after he was brought to the hospital." He drew his knees closer to his chest as he let his head rest on them and muttered under his breath, "it's all my fault."
Senthie let out an audible sigh. "If you'd think it like that, then I think it'd be all my fault." She forced a laugh. Jimhuesh looked at her confusingly. She gave him a tight lip smile and raised her brows. "If it weren't for me, he'd still be fine now. If only he intended to break his promise to me, he wouldn't get into an accident, and he wouldn't have to suffer from a fractured skull. The seven-year-old me should be the one to take all the blame. It was entirely my fault."
"No...no," Jimhuesh uttered as he shook his head. "How could that be your fault? Nothing is your fault, Sen."
Senthie chuckled. "I would say the same thing to you, Jim."
He smiled but didn't say anything else.
"Can you do me a favor?" Senthie asked.
"What is it?"
"Can you not blame yourself?"
Jimhuesh stared at Senthie as his response. She sighed heavily as the wind blew strongly. Jimhuesh tugged the strands of her hair that were in front of her face behind her ears. His hand grazed her cheek. She froze as her heart skipped a beat. At last, he smiled at her which seemed genuine. "Fine. I won't blame myself anymore, on one condition."
Senthie laughed nervously. "Tell me."
He leaned on her, his unique scent of cologne lingering as he whispered in her ear. "Let me kiss you."
He looked at her in the eyes and then at her lips. Senthie panicked inside, but then, she remembered he must be joking. Nevertheless, he started it and she was going to end it by cupping his face and pretending she would let him kiss her. She leaned in closer and tilted her head a little to the side. By the time she closed the distance between them, noses touching, she thought that he would certainly pull away, but to her surprise, Jimhuesh pressed his lips onto hers. Her eyes grew wide as she instantly drew back away from him, her back bent, her palms on the ground for support. "You weren't kidding? I thought you were just messing with me! You hate physical contact with the opposite sex. Was that a lie?"
He bit his lip as he shut his eyes and sighed heavily. He then looked at Senthie and turned his back on her as he covered his face with his hands. "I'm sorry, I was just kidding at first, but I couldn't help it when your face was so close to mine. I acted on impulse. I was tempted." He groaned. "This is embarrassing."
Senthie found him adorable. She blushed as she touched her lips. She giggled quietly and then cleared her throat. "Apology accepted. I may be tempting sometimes, I guess." She laughed. "Kidding aside, can you tell me now that one condition?"
Jimhuesh slowly turned to her, but his gaze was on the ground. "Do the same." This time, he looked directly into Senthie's wide eyes. She was surprised. Did he mean about earlier? Was he asking her to kiss him too?
There was a brief pause before Jimhuesh suddenly turned red as he shook his head. "No, I wasn't talking about the kiss."
Senthie sighed in relief and laughed nervously. "What then?"
He cleared his throat. "You asked me not to blame myself. But before I do that, I want you to do the same. Do not blame yourself."
Senthie smiled warmly at him and nodded her head. She stood up and offered her hand. As soon as Jimhuesh took it, she pulled him onto her and hugged him.
"W-what are you—"
She hugged him tighter like a teddy bear. "This is an act of kindness. I'd like to comfort you, or maybe, the other way around." She chuckled but then halted when she felt his arms around her and then, she added, "we can comfort ourselves at times like this."
Senthie pulled away and wiped the tear from Jimhuesh's cheek. He seemed surprised as if he wasn't aware that he was crying. Senthie smiled widely at him. "I'll do it. I won't blame myself either. Now, shall we?" She held out her hand once again and he accepted it with a wide smile.
Senthie did cross her mind that it was weird to walk around with Jimhuesh while holding hands, however, she chose to stay like that. A part of her never wanted to let go of his hand, but, there was also a part of her that was thinking, perhaps, Jimhuesh was uncomfortable since he hated PDAs, but also, there was this part of her thinking he liked it too, by how he was holding her hand tightly. Senthie felt safe, and at the same time, anxious, she wasn't sure what it meant to feel that way. Nevertheless, she just shrugged it off and didn't think of anything else. They only let go of each other's hand when they reached Ronaldo's room.
Fortunately, Ronaldo was awake when they arrived. He smiled at them faintly as they neared him. Jennifer embraced her son and asked him many times where he had been and if he was all right. Jimhuesh nodded and smiled at her and told her that Senthie found him and brought him in. After their somewhat family reunion, Jennifer excused herself to give them time to reconcile with each other.
The father and daughter, as well as the father and son, exchanged apologies and acceptances. At the end of the day, good communication and listening to what the other one had to say would be the best solution to solve any misunderstandings. However, the situation for Senthie and her dad didn't change that much since Ronaldo couldn't remember her. Nonetheless, Senthie was still glad he accepted her.
Three days passed, and on Sunday morning, horrible news devastated everyone around Ronaldo. Senthie rushed over to the hospital to see her father for the last time before he could completely leave the world. She tried to convince her mother to go with her but refused. By the time she arrived, it was only ten minutes before he passed away. Everyone around him wailed, Jennifer and Jimhuesh, but Senthie remained composed even though tears were streaming down her face. She made sure that she had shown her father her smile before he died. She had to be strong, if not for herself, it was for Jennifer and Jimhuesh.
Senthie grieved only for two days and had completely moved on as if nothing happened.
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Three weeks later...
"Are you leaving?" Senthie asked.
"Yes." He smiled. "I just flew back here to check up on you. You're really strong, Sen." He sighed and then hugged her. "Be safe always, I'll be off now. Thank you for everything. You'll always have a special place in my heart."
Senthie pushed him playfully and laughed. "Kenzo! Why are you talking like we'll never see each other again? Let's not be overdramatic, okay? You sound so serious."
He chuckled. "I'm serious, Sen. I'll be taking over my dad's company. I won't have time to visit you or Walter anymore. Maybe, you guys should visit me instead."
"Sure! Why not? But, you know there's someone who'll be waiting for you, right?"
He smiled as he scratched the back of his neck and shrugged. A smile plastered on Senthie's face, and she raised her brows. "Don't make her wait too long, Ken."
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Senthie seated awkwardly beside Jimhuesh. "Are you okay now?"
He nodded without looking at her. His gaze was on his clasped hands, elbows leaning on his thighs. "Yeah. I'm fine now. That was a month ago. Dad is no longer here with us, but...yeah, we're okay now, I think." He looked at Senthie and showed a half smile. "How about you? You seemed totally fine the last time I saw you."
It had been two weeks ago when Senthie stopped visiting Jimhuesh at their residence. But during the whole two weeks after Ronaldo's cremation, she never missed checking up on him. She felt like she needed to stay at his side. She wanted to take care of him. She had to make sure Jimhuesh could pull through the sorrow and see him smile again. However, she also knew that Jimhuesh deserved to have his personal space, he had to figure it out for himself, so Senthie decided to respect his time alone. In the meantime, she had been seeing a therapist.
"Uh, yeah. That's why I am always called a stone-hearted person." She giggled. "I can move on really fast. It is almost like I have a switch button to my feelings. But, really, I find it very convenient."
"How do you do it?"
"Uh, It's complicated to explain, but, it's the mindset." She took a deep breath and continued. "Always remember the 'you' before you had someone in your life. That way, even if people walk out of your life, it wouldn't affect you that much, and when it comes to the people you've lived with since the day you were born or when you were younger, it is best to learn to accept that they will never be by your side forever. I think if you keep those in mind, you'll be just fine." She sighed. "In short, learn how to practice non-attachment."
Those were the things she had realized while talking to her therapist. The reason why she thought she couldn't fall in love. It was the feeling of non-attachment that she wouldn't miss anyone, and at the same time, because of her low self-worth. If someone would show love to her, she would refuse it because she was afraid that she didn't deserve it. These were all related to her childhood traumas: to cope with attachment and codependency, she wasn't aware that she was actually practicing non-attachment; the feeling of not deserving of love was because she didn't feel loved by her family and it was the main reason why she thought she couldn't fall in love, she was overwhelmed and afraid of receiving love. Whenever she felt the other person's love, a wall would suddenly appear to block that and unconsciously would avoid it at any cost because she believed she wasn't worthy of it.
"Woah, that is so deep and sounds challenging, but...sure, I'll keep that in mind." He smiled as he straightened his back. "Anyway, I wonder why you asked to meet me. I was quite shocked when you told me to meet you at your place."
Suddenly, Senthie's heart quickened. She gulped. "Well, uh, yes, about that...I was wondering if you...still feel the same way about me?" She bit her lower lip in nervousness. "Do you still like me?"
He chuckled. "I like you a lot, Sensen. It'll be hard to change that."
"Then, maybe, we can give it a shot?" she uttered hesitantly and Jimhuesh became stiff as if he was frozen. Senthie continued. "I think I like you, too. I love spending time with you. This is the first time I feel like I am willing to give up my alone time just to be with someone. I think I love to be alone with you." She sighed deeply. "However, there is one thing I want you to understand... I still don't know how to feel in love, or perhaps, I'm already in love? Either way, I'm willing to find that out with you. I know I told you that I'm not capable of feeling such a thing and it's absurd that right now, I want to be your girlfriend. So, I will ask you, will you accept me?
There was a long pause after that. Jimhuesh just stared at her and didn't say anything. Senthie was about to lose heart and take back what she said until Jimhuesh finally spoke. "Let me tell you something more absurd, Sensen. Do you know how much I want to kiss you right this moment? I know that I told you I hate physical contact with the opposite sex, but if it's you, I don't mind it at all. I am willing to do everything just to be near you, to touch you, to kiss you...to love you." He leaned closer to her and touched her cheek with the back of his fingers. Senthie's heartbeat was now deafening and its beating was very uncomfortable as if her chest was going to burst. She could also feel the heat raging through his body and face. She swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in her throat when Jimhuesh stared into her lips intensely and then into her eyes. He then added, "so if I do those things to you, will that answer your question?"
Senthie didn't have the chance to answer, before she knew it, Jimhuesh's lips were already on hers, slowly and passionately, he kissed her. His hand supported her head while the kiss deepened, however, Senthie couldn't handle the electrifying feeling as he placed his other hand on her back, she was bound to lie down on the sofa, but Jimhuesh suddenly grabbed her waist and lifted her onto his lap without breaking the kiss, making her arms wrapped around his neck. Senthie couldn't help but giggle, it was also her chance to take a pause. "You must be preparing for this moment, were you doing weights? How can you lift me like that as if I'm light as a feather?"
He laughed, throwing his head back before he stole a kiss once again. "For you, I'll be the strongest man alive."
This time, Senthie was the one who stole a kiss and Jimhuesh seemed surprised by the look of his flushed face and wide eyes. She smiled and then played with his dark blond hair. "Did I ever tell you how freaking handsome you are?"
"Yeah, you did." He chuckled. He then hugged her and buried his face in her neck. "And this freaking handsome man is now your man, Sensen. I love you."
Senthie finally understood herself; being unattached didn’t mean she couldn’t fall in love. It just meant that her happiness did not depend on someone else. She didn’t fear abandonment. She was not looking for someone to complete her life because she could do it herself.
Senthie decided to try and give herself a chance with Jimhuesh, not to complete her life, but to add joy, rather. Together, they fought their inner selves that hinders them to move forward and started a new chapter in their lives where they treasured their newfound love.
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Hello, Noomiells!
Thank you for reading the final chapter. Hope you liked it. The next update will be the epilogue! Stay tuned! :D