Chapter 62: Hurt Little Heart
Fera’s POV
After the prosecutor left, she was devastated. She stood straight but inside her, she was panicking and hurting. She walked back to her cell but that was not enough. She needs her room to vent out her feelings.
“Fuentes,” she heard someone call her. She could feel her eyes teary and sore. It was the police who were assigned to her and Gale’s father. He turned his back and started walking. Even though she was hesitant, she followed him.
Nervousness took over her body when she saw where they were heading. A few steps away from them was a stock room. She stopped following him and planned to run from him but when she turned to her left side there were polices stationed.
He opened the room and waited for her. She was heavily guarded and ready to fight as she walk closer to him.
“ Get in.” He said but she stopped at the doorway while the police were beside her. She instantly turned to him when she felt a sudden movement but she saw him handing the key to her.
“Keep it,” he pushed her inside. “I’ll wait here, make it quick.” Then he shut the door.
As the door shut in front of her, her tears started streaming down her face. Her knees fell to the floor and pour all her pain. His questions, his questions trigger different memories she never dares to unveil even to herself.
His words about Nick. Nick’s smile filled her head and she hug herself and close her eyes. She missed the feeling to be in his arms, the night she was dying in pain back on her mother’s death anniversary he came. But now he couldn’t be there.
“It’s my fault, this is all m fault. If I didn’t drag him into this he should be safe.” The soft whispers filled with regret echoed in the small room. After a few minutes of crying, she lay on the floor trying to calm her breaths.
I’m tired of all this pain. Why do I have to feel caged like this? Why do I feel like you held me on my neck still? Questions hundreds of questions. When will her question end?
Then she heard a few soft knocks on the door so she sat up and wiped all her tears. She fixed herself before walking to the door and opening it.
“Thank you.” She said and returned the key.
“Keep it,” he said and walk away, she thought that he only handed it to assure her that he was up to no harm.
She slid the key under her shirt and walk back to her cell. Strange.
Very strange, why did they treat her special? Was it because she was a Fuentes?
***
Days passed and no one visited her again, and at night she would sneak into that room. She stayed there until morning, she would just sit there until hours would pass but now she found paint under the piled papers.
She saw her favorite color, the blood red, and black. She opened it and looked around. Who would know if she paints the walls? The dirty white walls looked too old and rusty.
She found a brush and set it up all before starting painting. She dipped half of the brush into the red paint and dipped the other half into the black paint. She brushed the paint into the wall carelessly. She did lines crosswise and created a pattern of red and black. On that mess, she took a thin stick and dipped it into the black paint. Then she started creating outlines of the eyelashes of a girl. She finished the pair of closed eyes with long-lashed, she added lines to her face and use white paint to add details to the face.
She added a layer of white paint until a face of a girl formed, and soon she added the neck and shoulder. And the mess she made earlier became her messy hair, it was an abstract masterpiece composed of white, red, and black colors.
After she finished it, she stepped back and looked at it. It was the small face of a girl with closed eyes, looking down giving the perfect view of her pointed nose which worked the best, and a cupid shape of lips. While her hair was messy as if it was thoughts.
‘No matter how I work with art and colors, I can never paint my life with vibrant colors. No matter how hard I would work to a masterpiece I can never do it colorful, I can never paint my life, it was just like all my pieces, lifeless and boring.’
Where ever I would be, I have this pain in me. The pain kept me feeling at home. I don’t need that house to feel at home. The pain was enough to remind me of everything I need to remember.
“I will hide behind the curtains, hide behind the paintings, hide behind the colors as what you have said, dad.” She looked at her hands which were filled with paints. And smiles of her mother came into her mind.
‘I’m sure you are good at arts like your father because dad is busy, I will be the one to teach you, alright?’ The soft voice she was holding for years.
Her mother was never an artistic and a poet but she was the one who teach her how to and push her to be like her father. She would look up on their walls where the huge paintings were in frame and aim to make her mother proud.
She wanted to do what her father could make her mother proud. She dropped the brush and looked at the painting.
“They are gone, long gone. What should I do now?”
‘I am lost when I am caged, I feel lost when I feel chained.
I don’t know where to go when I am in the place I used to.
I don’t know what to do when I am chained.
I am not lost, cause I am here.
I must do nothing cause I am restrained.’
Art has been her comfort zone.
“Who’s in there?”
She stopped when someone suddenly asked from outside, it was in the middle of the night probably. She gently and carefully bent down and walk to the corner, the darkest part of the room.
“Fera it’s me.”
She realized it was Gale’s voice so she carefully walked to the door to open it for her. “What are you doing here?” Fera instantly asked but Gale pushed her so she could get in.
“I should be asking the same.” And she quickly saw her art, that part of the wall was bright because of the moon, it was against the window where the light of the moon got through.
“Well, I sneak out,” Fera stated the obvious.
“There you go, I didn’t know you have talent.” And she touched the wall, it was wet still so she got stained on her finger.
“Why are you here?”
“I want to see you. I can’t visit you in daylight so I am here now.” She said while checking the whole place.
“In the middle of the night, why do you think I’ll buy that?”
Gale sat on the floor and open her the food she brought for her. “What are you thinking I did? Are you accusing me to do something terrible as you did?”
“You won’t be here for nothing.” Fera sat across her and looked at her intently.
“Think what you want.”
“You sneak in here and risk your life for something major, I suppose, spill.” She took the bread she offered.
“It’s nothing important, I just wanted to see you.”
“Every feeling is valuable,” Fera said and she took a sigh.
“I had a fight in school this day, she was talking about you. She said unacceptable things about you and everyone went against me. I was holding firm on my stand and my own side story until they compared me to you.” She looked at Fera’s eyes and smiled bitterly.
“And?”
“I agree, I could clearly see the resemblance. They were missing the point, we have a lot of resemblances like we were easily judged, and misjudged just because we don’t have a damn about what might people think about us. I am holding on what my judgment that you are innocent. I believe you. I can’t wait to see you prove them all wrong and see who they were messing with.” Fera took both of her hands and held them softly.
“I grew up minding what might people think about me when I actually don’t. I need to know and I need to act as I was expected. The media will never be pleased. If you don’t talk, they’ll request you to talk, and if you do and they don’t like what you have said they’ll say, you better shut up. I don’t need to prove to a single soul, I am me. And I know me. My decisions are rooted in my judgment and choice.”
Gale was too stunned to speak, it took her a few minutes to finally move and react.
“At that age, you already have the mentality, I am older than you are but I have learned a lot from you. To stay cool in front of people to not look vulnerable and fragile. Now you are telling me to not please them, yeah. We must don’t give brats what they want. All they care about is something to talk about. You are too brave to restrain your anger.”
“Restraining was never fine, denying the pain and anger was never okay. Hiding all your thoughts and frights was never good and especially not brave. I am a coward to face it and stand for it. Stay outspoken, it was harder to keep silent. Believe me.”
“I think not, my and my dad fought because of what I did. I said, I only did what I have to do and what I think right. I can’t just sit calmly while they are talking to someone who had done nothing to them. But he was so mad and said he felt disrespected to be talked back by her daughter.” Fera let her hand go and eat the bread. Father or mother issue was sensitive for her.
“You are the daughter, they’d be surprised if one day you won’t talk back and worry more. They knew you are outspoken and if you ever change behavior, they’ll freak out.” Gale pulled a small smile and eat with her.
“This is my first time to have someone to run to when I have a little problem.”
“I would only cry and write or paint it out after if I have a problem. That comforts me,” but at the back of her mind, she knew that Nick was once she had run to when she was at her worst.
“Dad said your hearing with being the next day of tomorrow. It has been canceled twice but they had set the date just today,” Gale said.