I was confused and angry. But then I realized that we were never in a relationship, so why should I feel this way? WOW. It still hurts though. He acted as if nothing had happened. He was being the same as he usually is, sending sweet words. I was almost bewitched by how manipulative he was.
"𝗬𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲."
Special? That word makes me lose my mind. I believe in him, yet the doubt remains. I wanted to ask him, what is our relationship for him to say that I am special to him?
What makes me special?
Why did he say that?
I wanted to know, to understand.
We never argue. All of our texts are just flirting. He was sending sweet words. What if he only texted me since he was bored? These thoughts have been on my mind for a while now. We never talked in real life. He ignored me when we were in class. I feel confused, hurt. What does he want from me? He keeps on playing with my feelings. I was being patient with him. Until that day, I had enough. It was midnight and that was the first time he sent me a voice message. Of course, I was excited at first. I seriously thought that our "relationship" was improving. When I heard his voice talking to me, It feels so much different from when we are in class. Since we never really talked in class. It felt weird to hear his voice, finally, speaking to me.
Text messages turned into voice messages. And voice messages turned into phone calls.
An improvement? I do not know. He was so sweet. We share stories that we never really speak of, not just to anyone. He listened to my story. He told me about his life and family. I was glad to know that he felt okay about telling me this. I don't under why but it's like a fox bewitched me.
"𝗖𝗮𝗻 𝗜 𝘁𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮 𝘀𝗲𝗰𝗿𝗲𝘁?"
His text message leaves me surprised and confused. He is finally opening up to me. That was really nice of him. Or so I thought.
"𝗟𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘃𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻𝘀 𝗺𝗲 𝗼𝗻."
"𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗼𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂."
"𝗜'𝗱 𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝘀."
"𝗦𝗲𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀 𝗺𝗲 𝗵𝗼𝗿𝗻𝘆."
"𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗻𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘆 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂."
"𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗜 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝗶𝘁 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗱𝗮𝘆."
I do not know how to respond to his texts. I could only reply with a laughing emoji, although my hand was shaking. I was scared. I was ashamed, terrified. He scared me. We're not even in a relationship, and yet he insists on doing things that only a couple can do. What did he think of me? Is he only going to waste his time on me? He makes me feel so dirty. I never imagined someone as sweet as him would say something like that. He was so sweet. An exceptionally soft-spoken, he is also religious, so it shocked me so much I cried myself to sleep.
I was afraid.
His imagination is terrifying.
What is love? Is it only to let out one's lustful desire? What is love? If this is love, I do not want it. It is scary. It is disgusting. I hate myself for letting this happen. Since that day, I have not really replied to his texts that much. He seems to have noticed that too. For the first time, he spoke to me in class. I was dumfounded.
What are you trying to pull now?
My whole body froze when he said that name. The name that only my family and close friends know of is I was regretting the fact that I told him about it. I hate myself so much.
"𝗗𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁. 𝗜 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗶𝘁 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂. 𝗚𝗲𝘁 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗺𝗲!"
I wanted to scream at him, but I couldn't because we were in class. He was sitting next to me, looking into my eyes, asking if he had done something wrong or anything. Every eyes was on us. I hate this.
"𝗖𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗲 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿?"
I begged as he finally decided to go. I wanted to disappear so badly. I cannot forget about the things he said about me. It terrifies me. I do not think I will be able to handle this kind of "relationship" any longer. He terrified me. I had people in my class asking me about Sean and me. Since it was the first time, they saw us "talking" to each other. I honestly do not know what to say. The only person I could talk to about this is Adelia. She was the only friend that knew about us. Sean and I. since she saw our texts before. Adelia and Sean went to the same high school. She even assures me that Sean is a "good" person.
I wonder about that.
When I showed him the text messages, Adelia was shocked. She seemed really disappointed with Sean.
"𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻'𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗲𝘃𝗲 𝗛𝗘 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝘆. 𝗜'𝗺 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁."
I do not know if I am overreacting. But that kind of confession really scares me. I am not mentally and physically ready for that kind of situation. It scared me. I am so disgusted with boys who express their love through lust.
It makes me not want to experience love at all.