𝗔𝘁 𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘆-𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗿, 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗮𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲.
My last relationship did not last. He used to promise me forever, but he is gone now. I admit that it was never easy to recover from that kind of pain. It was hard to love again. It feels like all my emotions disappeared along with him on his death day. It was hard to open up to someone new. I was tired. I cannot do it anymore. Meeting new people? That thought scares me. I do not want to start a new relationship just to have it end. I do not want to fall in love. I do not care about marriage.
Relationships scared me. They disgusted me. Skin-ship terrifies me. I hate it so much.
I stayed focused on my career and family. I have no time to date. I started to hate the thought of texting or calling each other every DAMN day. It is annoying. It is frustrating. My friends are either getting married or having kids. I was the only one who was still "stuck." It's not like I have never tried to meet someone new; it's just complicated. I did like them at first, but the problem is, I got bored easily. I find it VERY annoying when they act clingy.
It's nonsense.
All the promises, sweet talks about marriage? It was all total bullshit. I lost my virginity to a one-night stand when I was twenty-three. I used to care A LOT about "my first time". But I was lonely. I needed someone to hold me. I was devastated. It happened so fast that I forgot how it ended. One thing is for sure: it was painful. suffocating. I thought that it was going to be romantic... or anything... memorable? But it was brief. It hurt so much that I started bleeding. Well, he did say that it happened for the "first time." I wanted to believe that, but the pain is too much. He was really harsh. I hated it so much. I was really glad that he was just a one-night stand.
"𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗿𝘆 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗱𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴?"
My coworker was the one who suggested the idea. She seems to notice that I have nobody to call mine... At first, I did not like that idea. It was a hassle to create a dating profile. Let alone converse with strangers about... what? I don't know what to talk about. It has been a while since I have been in a relationship. I do not know how it works "now."
Still, there were times when I felt very lonely. Jealous of others, I also wanted to be in love, to fall in love. But it was really hard to do so. Why can't I be happy? I hated my life so much that sometimes I scared myself of what I have become now. I used to be... happy. But now, everything is a disaster.
Life is tiring.
Relationships are fucking bullshit.
It was like a part of me; she was ready to fall in love. But on the other one, she insisted on denying those feelings. I was torn between these feelings.
I was lonely.
Maybe I do not need to be in a relationship to be happy. Maybe online dating could fill the emptiness in my heart? I wondered about that.
So, I did it. I created a Tinder profile.
It was really weird, honestly. How can they decide that they like someone from just their face? How is that possible? It was really hard for me to grasp the "concept" of online dating. And the fact that you only need to swipe right to find your Mr. Right is something really new to me. I don't really feel like anything when I am on the app. It was boring. Most of the pictures are of boys, showing their muscles. Their bio is their hobby. It was really weird.
Until he caught my eye.
"𝗜 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝘆𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀. 𝗜 𝗵𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲. 𝗜 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝘀𝗵 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗿."
His bio caught me off guard, this is a dating profile, and yet his bio is so gloomy and depressing.
Disney Walter.
That was his profile name. I am not sure if he is using a real name or not. He got me curious. I started to wonder, why does he feel like that? Surprisingly, we matched. It seems like he swipes right for me too... I was the one who texted him first. I ask him about his bio and that's how our conversation starts.
It was fun talking to someone new... I never thought that I would be so invested in the conversation. I never thought that I could smile while texting. I never thought that I would feel "happy." The way he describes everything is so refreshing. I like how he is so good with words. Although, his jokes are really lame. I did enjoy talking with him. He never really asked for my contact info, and I preferred it that way.
He was just like... me.
He too had lost someone who was dear to him. He, too, had begun to learn to love again. He wanted to feel "happy" again.
He was lonely.
We were the same.