Disney was a good listener. We've texted a lot in the past few weeks. For the first time in a while, I was able to feel happy again. I feel like he cared for me at least. Although we never really decided to meet each other. We feel so close. He was supportive of me. He was so nice that I kept wondering, what exactly does he want from this? he makes me worried.
I was starting to get bored of him.
I feel like our conversation is starting to become "more" day by day. It scared me, he makes me confused. He often talks about himself, the part of him that destroys all the feelings inside of him. He told me about his depression, that he had been fighting to stay alive for years now. When he told me that, I honestly did not know what to say. His negativity was passed to me, and I hated it. I hated the fact that everything he said about himself was EXACTLY the same as me.
We were the same.
Truth be told, he was the only one I could talk to about trying hard to survive life; the anxiety and depression overwhelmed me. It was too much.
"𝗜'𝗺 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗴𝗹𝗮𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿."
Somehow, his words terrified me. I do not want him to "hope". I do not want him to think that we have something going on. I don't want to admit it but I was scared. It was fun texting him, but I never wish for more. I cannot imagine us being together. It just WON'T work. We would just end up destroying each other's lives if we decided to be together. I cannot do it anymore. He was not confident in himself. It was tiring to cheer him up. I was annoyed. He was so annoying. He kept complaining that he was fat. He kept saying that nobody would love him.
I was really annoyed at him.
What am I supposed to say when he says that? I do not know either. Does he expect me to tell him that everything is going to be all right? that he is okay just the way he was? that he will find someone that will love him for who he is? I cannot. I do not want to lie. He makes me a bad person. Because I see for myself that he is destroying himself. He was the one who decided to do it. And I do not want to be the one to tell him that he will be simply fine because it seems unfair, to me and to himself.
He was obsessed.
"𝗜 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂."
It is annoying. Terrifying. I do not want him to say that. I kept reminding him that I did not want to be more than "friends." He did say okay at first, but he kept being ridiculous. Friends do not text each other every day and say that they miss you. They do not. At least not my friends. He was SO annoying. I do not like him being that way. I used to like talking to him, but now he just bores me. He makes me want to block him. I wanted him to disappear from my life. I hate the fact that I am pushing him away, but I cannot bring myself to accept his "kindness." I don't want to.
I wanted him away from my life, but I do not know how to make it less traumatic, because I noticed his feelings for me. He was so obvious. I do not want to acknowledge it, but it was so obvious it scared me. I was relieved that we had never met each other. I do not want more from this "relationship." I could imagine myself being with him. It will never work. The negativity around us will not let it work. We will never be happy. And the only feelings we have for each other are "pity". I do not want that kind of relationship.
Disney's expectations terrify me.
That is why I decided to ignore him. He will notice this and will stop texting me, right? The better, he would block me. How I wish he would actually do that. But he kept on pestering me. I was really annoyed. I do not want him to text me anymore. All his texts made me hate myself even more. I really am a jerk.
Why can't I just tell him to go away? Why is it so hard for me to push him away from my life? It is because I, too, was afraid of being alone?
I hate the fact that it is the truth. I cannot bring myself to push him away because I do not want to be alone. I hated this so much.
"𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗶𝗳 𝗜'𝘃𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴."
He deserves someone better, he should not have hoped for anything from me. I feel sick to my stomach. Why did I let this happen? It was hard to push him away now that we had shared stories with each other. It is hard to just... disappear. I never felt sorry for ignoring him. I felt bad, but I never really cared about him. I was only thinking for myself. He was there to fill up the loneliness in my heart, and now that it is healed, I do not need him anymore. That is the only explanation that I could think of.
I got bored.
I want him away from my life.