I have not replied to his texts for weeks now. I even deleted my dating profile. I uninstalled the app and somehow I felt relieved. I am glad that I cut him off from my life. It was really hard to try and understand myself, little did I know, I was hurting him even more, not that I intended to. One day, I got a notification from Facebook. It was him saying hello. I was shocked. How did he find me? I find it really annoying and creepy. Why can't he just take the hints? Why won't he stop?! I never replied to his message and even blocked his account. I do not know why I am being so mean, but I just do not want to deal with him anymore.
It was suffocating.
I knew that with him in my life, I would never be able to escape from this dark hole that had been swallowing me. With him, we would both end up lying to ourselves. And I do not want that. I hate it. Please just go away from my life.
"𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗹𝗼𝗰𝗸 𝗺𝗲?"
I got a new message on Instagram, It was him. I was beginning to hate myself for doing this. But I cannot be "friends" with him. I ended up destroying myself if he was around. I wanted to tell him that, but I just can't seem to say it. I cannot bring myself to hurt him... I do not know why, but it was really hard to reply to his text. It was suffocating.
It is getting harder to explain everything.
He was so good to me, but he kept on destroying himself. He does not think about himself. He should be happy, and he would not be able to if he stayed with me, we cannot be together. It will never work out.
"𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗺𝗲, 𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲."
We barely know each other. How can he say that so easily? Why me? What did I do? I was only there because I was lonely. I only said the words that he wanted to hear. I was just there accidentally. So why won't he stop?
Please, I do not want this.
I seriously cannot understand him. Why won't he take the hints that I do not want him in my life anymore? I hated the fact that he kept on wanting more. What exactly do you want?! I realised something when I acted this way. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Yosef's words got me thinking.
"𝗣𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲, 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗿."
I used to wonder how easy it was for him to say that. But now I understand. It was difficult, but it is what it is. You cannot explain how it happened, but it still happens.
I feel sick. I now fully understand what he meant. I did the same thing he did to someone else. Although Disney and I barely know each other, I cannot believe it was THIS easy to say that I got bored of him.
It was SO easy for me to forget.
I was tired of explaining things. I just want him away from my life. Although I know he deserves an explanation. But still, why, though? We are not even THAT close. So why bother going to this point of looking for me? Why complicate things? Why can't he accept the fact that we fell apart?
It was annoying.
Disney and I were never in a relationship. So why does he act like I am breaking up with him while in the first place, I already told him that I was never ready for a relationship? What did he expect from me? Does he think that he could change my feelings? when I cannot even do it myself? He was absurd. He was good enough for me. But I do not deserve him.
We do not deserve each other.
It has been a while since I last felt so annoyed with someone. Not to mention, we never even met each other. Why can't he just stop already? I know. I was never a good person. But I never gave him hope. I never said that I was ready for anything. He just assumed everything all on his own. He was telling the truth after all; he was the one who destroyed himself.
It was all him.
It was tiring. I tried "being friends," but I couldn't pull it off. It was SO annoying. His texts annoyed me. He cannot stop talking about his "pathetic" life. He was so scared of everything, and it terrifies me. We were the same. So, I was terrified. I was scared for both of us. Blocking him was a great decision. I needed a break. I do not care if I am alone. I do not care about being lonely. I cannot do "relationship." I am not ready. I am terrified.
Falling in love?
I swore to myself that I would never fall again. I swore to live my life to the fullest without any of that drama. I only wanted to be happy. Cutting him off from my life was easy. With just a click, he disappears from my life.
"𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗶𝗻."
And that was the last text he sent to me. After that, he completely disappeared from my life. I deserved that for being a jerk. But still, I was glad that it was over. Online dating does not work for me either. I hope that he does not end up with someone like me. Disney deserves someone better, who will save him from his darkest fears. I am grateful for the conversation that we had for a short while. He makes me happy, even just for a while. I am glad.
He makes me scared of falling in love, but he is also the one who makes me realise that I am such a bad person, that I was never enough, that I was the reason— falling in love is terrifying.
"𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗺𝗲."