I never really thought about marriage, especially with Finn. We are better off as friends. We completed each other's lives. But marriage? I don't really think he is ready for that. We met both our families and told them that we were getting married. They were joyful. Everyone was smiling; they were happy. But not Finn, he looked troubled. He was terrified.
We were both scared.
Marriage scared us. What if something happens? What if this marriage would only cause us to break each other's hearts? even though we do not love each other with that kind of love. We still cared for one another. I cared for his happiness. He did too. I never imagined myself finally getting married. It was unbelievable. For both of us, we will be happy. I will be happy. I tried telling myself that over and over. But still, it feels empty.
Lonely.
Everyone was laughing, smiling, and happy. They were happy for us. This marriage, for our future. It was terrifying.
"𝗜'𝗹𝗹 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁."
Finn was also smiling. Being in his arms as his wife felt...  I don't know how to explain it in words. It does not feel right. But at the same time, it is also the right thing to do. At least for our family, we are officially married. It was a relief. No one is going to nag us for not getting married now. We will be happy now, right? Even if we are married, our friendship will always remain the same. Our relationship will always be the same. We cared a lot for each other. We will be fine.
"𝗖𝗮𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗸𝗶𝘀𝘀 𝗺𝗲?"
That question ended up being our realization. When I asked that question, Finn was speechless. He does not know what to say. I realised it too. It is not going to work out. Even if we married each other, even if we cared for each other. It was hard to actually be "married." Finn was crying, saying that he was sorry. It hurts me to see him like that. It hurts me to see him hurting.
It was tiring.
It has been a month since we got married. Nothing really changed between us; we are still the same as we used to be. We are still friends. The only difference is that we live together now. We sleep in the same bed. Although we never really thought of "doing it" since Finn could not bring himself to do it. I too, cannot imagine myself being held by him. We often joked about it when people asked us about our marriage life. We are the only ones who know...
But it was really hard, especially for Finn.
His parents insisted that they wanted "grandchildren". He was so stressed with his family. We do not know how to have kids when we do not really feel that kind of attraction towards each other. It was really troublesome. I also never thought of myself having a child. That thought scares me. I was happy.
I used to be
I thought that marriage would make me happy. I thought getting married to my best friend would make me happy. I was wrong. We were never happy. We suffered so much. Especially Finn. It was hard for him to hide his "true self." I was the only one who knew about it. He was so tired of his parents until one day, he lashed out on them. He told his family how he hated himself for being gay. He hated himself for not being able to make me happy. It was heartbreaking, seeing him like that. We only wanted to be happy. But it was really hard to have it. His family was disappointed in him. They were disgusted. They were screaming at him, and me. They were mad at us for lying. I never wanted this to happen.
I never wished for this to happen.
It is painful. His family threw us out. They kept yelling at him, saying how disgraceful he was. I was angry. He suffered so much, and his family never really cared about that. They only want him to get married, to have a child. It was fucking disappointing. And that was the last time we saw his family. Finn decided to resign from the company and live his life as he desired, now that his family is aware of his sexual orientation he is finally free. I was happy for him.
I was glad to see him smiling again.
"𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝘆 𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀."
He was crying. I never really cared about it since I was the one who agreed. He was only suggesting, and I was the one who made it happen. So, I am glad that he is okay now. He is finally leaving the country, leaving me. But I am all right. I will be fine. He is happy now, and he is free. We were both free from all the burdens and lies.
Finn Kaylan, he makes me realise how being friends is much better than being in a relationship. He made me the happiest bride. I cared for him so much.
"𝗜'𝗺 𝗴𝗹𝗮𝗱 𝗜 𝗴𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲𝗲𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂."