𝗔𝘁 𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘆-𝘀𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻, 𝗜 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝗵𝗶𝗺.
Finn and I divorced two months ago because he had found the love of his life. I was happy for him, truly. But at the same time, I feel sad. He kept saying that he did not want to be away from me. Yet, he is now happier with someone else. He had been keeping in touch with me. He was happy. I am glad to know that he is now free from all the guilt that had been holding him back. I was really happy for him. But without him. I was lonely.
Empty.
Nothing really makes me smile anymore. Life has been a blur since then. It was so boring that it makes me wonder. Have I always felt this way? I quit my job last year since the people at work wouldn't stop talking about my failed relationship with Finn. They kept looking at me with sympathy when they didn't even know the truth about what really happened. It was suffocating. I made the right choice to end it all. Since I quit my job, I was free most of the time. I feel so pathetic that I spend most of my time in my house. Alone.
I was scared to go out.
I started to distance myself from people and society. I thought that I would be fine on my own. But sometimes, I cry myself to sleep thinking how unlucky I am with "love". Why me? Am I not enough? Why is it always me who ends up alone? Who has to suffer everything? Why? I feel like I was there for them to help them find their "happiness".
Love?
I seriously hate this.
My first love taught me so much. He made me feel loved, although it was temporary, our love was... enough to keep me going. I was happy. I had learned that loving someone does not always mean that you get to be with them. Sometimes, you have to let them go. I also learned that not all boys are good. There are the bad ones, who are only there for "fun". They are only there to make you question yourself a lot, to make you think that you will never be enough.
I learned a lot from my past.
People change, feelings disappear. It was so easy to actually do it. I used to hate it when he said that to me. I wondered how he could do that. so easily? I hated him for that. But after experiencing it for myself, it was hard to explain. I really am sorry.
𝗜 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗱, I gave my world and I was so sure that I could also have my "happily ever after". But it was all just a beautiful illusion. A never-ending nightmare. 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗱 but for some reason, I don't think that I deserve their love. It was terrifying. Their love is suffocating. It makes me hate myself for not accepting it. 𝗜 𝗳𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝗶𝗻 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 and those feelings destroyed me. I ruined ME when I let myself "fall". It makes me scared of falling in love. But at the same time, it's terrifyingly beautiful.
Addicting.
I found out that "being friends" is way better than being in a relationship. Even if it ends, you will be able to move on and it will be less painful.
I was numb.
I was lost.
Until I met him— again.
I was on my way to my friend's wedding. It has been a while since I got back home. It's annoying when my old classmates ask me about my "failed marriage". I seriously do not want to talk about it. But that day, the moment our eyes met each other. I was overwhelmed. It's funny how I missed these feelings, everything felt so unreal, meeting him again felt so miraculously... weird.
"Hi."
His smiling face, they looked the same. His eyes were as bright as they were before. I can't believe how these feelings, the emotions that I thought had disappeared a long time ago, came back to me after seeing him smile, just like that. It had been a while since I felt like this again. Although I never really expected anything from him. I was just happy, to see him again, excited that he still has the same smile. I was genuinely happy— I never thought about this day. I never EVER thought that I would meet him again in this life. I was so sure of it.
But when he told me everything, I was surprised.
He too had felt the same "attraction" back then. What made him say that rejection was because he did not feel confident. He was scared of hurting me when he was not ready to "be in love." He was not ready for commitments. He was never ready for a relationship back then. He was scared at the thought of being "together" just to end up getting "hurt". He kept telling me how he tried to live on and meet new people. But it never worked out. He was so sure that we wouldn't meet each other again until we met at the same college, somewhere REALLY far from home.
It was a miracle.
Fate?
As he said, it was like a dream come true. All this time. I was so sure that I had no luck in "love." But my whole world stopped when he told me that.
"𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗮 𝗺𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲."
Now I finally understand. It had always been him, from the beginning until now, It had always been him, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗼𝘆 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁.
It was him.
No wonder I couldn't have my happily ever after, he was lost all long, and now, he finally found his way back, to me. He keeps reminding me of the feelings that I'm starting to forget. It was the kind of love where he made me want to become a better version of myself, where I was genuinely happy. Just seeing him smile. I was happy, to see him again.
Ryan Mclaren.
"𝗜 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂."