Ryan McLaren.
I used to hate my name so much, since I can't really pronounce the letter "R". It was annoying when I met new people. They will always make fun of me, and I hate that. Meeting new people irritated me. I hate being around others so much that I don't have any friends. Well, I used to hate meeting other people until I met her... we were ten that time, I saw her at my mom's friend's wedding. She would always have people surrounding her, laughing along with her. Wherever she goes, laughter follows. There was never a dull moment when she was around. I envied her so much that it made me loathe her. Well, I used to think that it's hate when, honestly, I'm just jealous of her, having so many friends around her.
How do you get along with other people so easily?
Our first encounter was a blur. We never really talked to each other since she was surrounded by a lot of people. I never really got the chance to talk to her. I wondered if that was why I wanted to talk to her that day. I don't know why my eyes always end up following her. I watched her, seeing her smile and laughing with others. She was so happy, she gets along with everyone, even the adults. They loved her since she was always smiling.
I envied her.
And just like that, we never saw each other again. I never really got to know her name, but still, watching her gave me the confidence to start making friends when I returned to school. I thought that would be my last time seeing her. I was surprised to see her again, to know that we went to the same school. Woah.
We met again at thirteen.
But she never really knew me, so I don't think I could say that we known each other. I passed her in the hallway all the time, and she still looks exactly the same as she did three years ago. Nothing really changes besides the fact that her friends are getting less and less. She used to be surrounded by six to eight people, but now she only has three people laughing along with her. She did seem different. She doesn't smile as much as she used to. I don't know if that's really true since I only met her once. I did want to try and talk to her, but I never really got the chance to.
I mean, what would we even talk about?
She might be scared of me since I was twice her size. Our height difference might make it hard for me to talk to her. I mean, I would be looking down on her if we actually talked to each other. It makes me feel weird.
I feel weird.
"Who are you looking at?"
A classmate of mine, Joshua, noticed me staring at her from the hallway. Damn, I feel like a stalker now. I don't know why my eyes always end up following her. I seriously don't understand why, since I don't think that I like her like THAT... It's just weird. We barely talk to each other. Yet, why is she always on my mind?
It's annoying.
I decided to stop indulging myself with her. She's been on my mind a lot now since I saw her again. It's irritating for me to think about it when I don't even know her. The year went by so fast. It's already a new year. For some reason, people actually like me. I mean, it's weird... To be the center of attention. The girls who used to ignore me from the other class kept going to my class just to say hello to me. This is new to me. And of course, it was overwhelming to be surrounded by beautiful girls... And hearing them say my name... oh god.
It's addictive.
I feel like I could fall for anyone when they say my name with a sweet voice or something... This is too troublesome for me.
"Ryan, do you have a girlfriend?"
I hear that a lot these days. It's like everywhere I go, the girls will ask me that. It's really confusing since I don't know what they see in me for them to be so interested. I'm boring. Yes, I admit that since I never really had any experience with romance or relationships, I never really got along with anyone before.
So why now? What changes?
Speaking of relationships, I hated that I noticed this. She was in love. Or at least to me, she looked like she did. I wondered why I started to notice little things about her when I didn't want to. Why is this happening to me? It's like something is torturing me from somewhere... I heard rumours that she did dirty stuff with her boyfriend in the library, I was surprised.
Not about her, but to myself. I was surprised that I actually listened to the rumours about her.
Why did I even care?
She has begun to smile a lot these days.
"It must be nice to be in love."
It came out as a surprise to myself when I said that. Am I jealous of her? I don't even know. Maybe I am jealous? Seeing her smiling and laughing with her boyfriend makes me want to experience love too. It would be nice to smile and laugh with someone who looks at me the way she looks at him.
It would be nice indeed.
For a moment, I was being delusional, Imagining myself with her. It was something new... Weird. I feel like I made her my perfect fantasy of an ideal girlfriend.
What the hell?
Why did I think that? Ugh. I was jealous, seeing her happy. I wanted to feel loved too. To be so madly in love with someone, I can't think of anybody else. I wanted to feel that kind of love.
"I like you."
That was the first confession I ever received. It was overwhelming. I was overwhelmed with unexplained feelings. I don't understand what kind of emotions I should be feeling... It's just weird. She is pretty, and I think that I like her. But she doesn't make me feel those kinds of emotions. It's hard to explain when I don't understand it myself. But I decided to try. Perhaps I could also experience the love that I've been yearning for...
I decided to learn how to love.
For a guy, it's really hard to try and understand your girlfriend. It's annoying. It's troublesome. It's boring. Being with Rania makes me feel bored. She is pretty, but it's not enough to make me... Happy? It's tiring being in a relationship with her. Her constant nagging and uncontrollable jealousy, It was so damn annoying. Being with her makes me feel like a bad guy. What did she expect from me? Someone who has never been in love to actually loves her to the moon and back? I seriously can't deal with this.
Being in this relationship is suffocating.