The day we held hands was the day I will always remember. She was so cute. It was annoying when the others started to tease her, I don't know if I'm being jealous because we can't be like that to each other. But still, it's really stirring me up. I just want them to shut up and leave us alone now.
"Hi, my name is Ryan Mclaren."
I said as we shook hands, followed by cheers from the boys at the table. This is embarrassing, especially for her. Her red cheeks were so cute that I was mesmerised by her that I forgot that I was still holding onto her hand. She was so cute, she's the only girl on my mind these days. I can't help but to notice that these feelings of mine might be more than just... curiosity.
At first, I really liked how she got embarrassed, how her cheeks flushed and she was lost for words. But now, it's getting annoying. I waited for her to finally say something. But am I just a crush on her? It's really irritating to just wait and see what she's going to do next, so I decided to try and be close to her. I tried approaching her, exchanging glances once in a while, saying goodbye whenever she's going home, noticing her. But still, nothing really changed. We are still so far apart from each other. I will never understand her and I don't think that I ever will.
I was losing interest in her.
Her actions used to be cute. I used to think that she was so cute. But now, I find her really annoying, my feelings for her weighed me down. I felt desperate to make her forget about me.
"We will never work out anyway."
Over and over, I kept telling myself that because I was tired of this chasing game. It was fun while it lasted, but now it's getting boring. Why would I need a girl who's not even going to say her feelings for me? She won't even say a single word to me. It's irritating how different she's now from before. I just wish that her feelings for me disappeared quickly. It's getting annoying now.
"I've always liked you."
The day she confessed was the day I felt completed. I mean, I've been waiting for this day. But when it actually happened, I didn't know what to feel, how to reciprocate her feelings? That's been on my mind now. What would happen if I admitted that I, too, had feelings for her? Are we going to be in a relationship? With her? I can't really imagine it, are we going to be okay?
I have no idea.
I might end up losing interest fast if she's still the same shy her when we're together. I don't think I can deal with that. I did have feelings for her. But it's really hard to actually stay in love or be committed to a relationship with someone like her. I don't know if I could do it.
I don't know.
I'm not confident that I could make her happy. Or that we will be happy. I don't think I'm ready for this.
So I rejected her.
It felt like a part of me broke when she only smiled at me and left. It feels so wrong. But I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. But even from the start, her smile was never meant for me, so I think she will be fine. I hope she's doing okay. It pained me to know that I hurt her. I really wish that she would find someone who's going to love her with all her heart.
I wish it was me. But to actually do it, it's impossible for someone like me.
Since that day, she no longer flushes red when she hears my name. It's like she's completely OVER me. I thought it was strange that she could forget about her feelings for me so quickly, despite the fact that she had been crushing on me for years. But then again, I did hurt her. I have no right to say anything. I was happy. I wanted to be happy for her for finally moving on from me. But seeing her smile and laughing with someone else makes me confused about my own feelings.
Why am I angry?
She was so close to the new guy. I heard that they were childhood friends. No wonder they could talk to each other like that, so nice, so close.
Why does my heart feel weird?
Frederick was a nice guy. He indeed seems like the perfect candidate to be her boyfriend, to stay by her side. But why does it feel so wrong?
"I wish I was there with you."
I hated myself for admitting this when I had already rejected her. I don't want her to be with anyone other than me, but at the same time, I don't want us to be in a relationship. Is it selfish of me to wish that she only had eyes for me? Is it wrong for me to wish that her smiles belonged only to me? I hate seeing her with someone else, I hated myself more for these regrets.
Please be in love with me only.