I wanted to ask Frederick what is going on, but he seems to avoid that topic. I am deeply confused by that. This situation confuses me a lot. Girlfriend? He never even asked me to be his, though. I wonder who spread those rumors. It is really unsettling since people started to give me dirty looks for being treated nicely by Sir Sebastian. I seriously do not know why he did that. If I can, I would love to just ask him why his behaviour has changed so drastically since he used to never care about me in his class. So, what is different now?
Frederick was nice. He was a great boy. He was soft-spoken and he cared for me a lot. Despite me being his bully, I still wonder, does he like me? For real? Why? I had a lot of questions in my mind that I wanted to ask him.
"𝗜 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗸. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗺𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀; 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗰𝘂𝘁𝗲."
A boy in my class gave me a piece of paper with a drawing of me, smiling. For some reason, this scares me. Why did you do this? Why did you draw me?
Creepy.
I hate this.
I do not know why I did that. But seeing that drawing of me terrifies me so much. I ended up tearing the drawing apart and throwing it away. I feel weird whenever I see that drawing. I was deep in my thoughts. I never expected someone to witness me tearing the drawing apart. And I NEVER expected it to be Ryan himself. He was staring at me with a confused look. I do not want to deal with him anymore. Seeing him makes me realise something. It was because of him.
Ryan.
He was the reason I got so close to Frederick in the first place. He was the reason behind all of my behavior. I did all that to forget about him.
I used him.
I tricked him.
I lied to him.
To Frederick
To my own feelings.
I feel sick to my stomach. I have not talked to Frederick for days now. And he seems worried about that. As for me, I feel more guilty than I ever did when I used to bully him.
I do not deserve him. He deserves someone else who is going to love him as much as he loves them. And that person is not me. I cannot.
I do not want to be
"𝗠𝗲𝗲𝘁 𝗺𝗲 𝗮𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗹 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗴𝗮𝘁𝗲."
Frederick said as he walked away without explaining anything. What is it? Somehow, I was scared of what was going to happen... I can't do it.
What if he confesses?
I don't want him to. Realizing all this now makes me terrified. I have been using him to forget about someone else. He is going to hate me when he finds out the truth. I was simply curious at first. I never meant for all of this to happen. I just hope he does not confess to me.
"𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱."
Frederick said as I stood there in front of him, confused. I thought he wanted to shake hands as I held his hand, but he took something from his pocket.
No.
Stop.
He took out a bracelet from his pocket. He was sweating as his cold fingers brushed mine. He was nervous. He was shaking. Seeing him do that makes me weak. He deserves so much more.
"𝗛𝗮𝗽𝗽𝘆 𝗕𝗶𝗿𝘁𝗵𝗱𝗮𝘆."
He whispered as he intertwined our fingers. I stood there frozen to my feet. My birthday was months before. Why are you doing this to me?
I wanted to cry so badly.
He was smiling as he walked away, waving at me, saying goodbye. He was so nice to me. I hated myself for being a jerk to him. I hated myself more for letting this happen. My friends were so excited when they witnessed what happened just now with Frederick.
If only I was excited.
I only felt burdened.
Guilt.
Ashamed.
The day that I have been waiting for to not happen finally comes. He confessed. I honestly do not know how to respond to that. Truthfully, I feel comfortable when I am with him. I was happy. He makes me smile a lot. And that is the problem.
I am the problem.
I cannot bring myself to feel the same way he feels about me.
I cannot bring myself to fall for him.
I just feel "comfort" 
I just wanted someone to help me forget.
And he happened to be there. His feelings for me terrify me. I am afraid. If I did fall for him, I would not be able to let him go. I would not be able to love again if we broke up. I don't think I would be happy if I was not with him. I hate that thought. I hate those feelings.
I do not want to feel that way.
He deserves someone who loves him, and I am not the one.
"𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆."
His eyes look sad. He was hurt. But still, he was smiling. I seriously do not deserve someone like him. I hate myself for doing this. I never mean to cry in front of him, but tears just won't stop coming out. I hurt him. Yet, he still comforted me until the end.
Why won't you give him the chance?
Why can't you love him?
Why are you being so difficult?
I hate myself more since I do not know how to answer these questions. Frederick was the first boy who made me realise that I do not deserve to be loved.
"𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴."