-----Abigail’s POV--------
It’s my entire fault; I can’t stop blaming myself on what happen. In the first place I don’t expect that in that quiet and wide road will be the last road I am with him. I want to die right now, because the only one who holds my heart was already die and our child was dead because of me. I still wear my black pajamas, I don’t want to go outside. I filed resignation to the company I worked and they paid my last salary and the benefits I have as their employer. My bedroom curtains was changed to black, and my room was cold as I am. I don’t know the word “to live” because my life was gone and my reason to start again was gone. I don’t know but it’s me, it’s my fault why I am suffering now and now I have always the death wish; everyday.
------End of POV------
Every day, Eunice and Crissa visited her to check her condition but every day it became worst.
“How is she Auntie?” Crissa asked while they are in the living room drinking some coffee
Celine shook her head, “Every day she became worst, she didn’t want eat anything or drink anything” she answered
Eunice think another way, “Auntie, did you tried to talk to her or invited her to go outside?” she asked
“We always asked her what she wanted to do or to eat, but we can’t have any response aside from the word, leave me alone” she answered
They were very sad on the things that they heard but they can’t do anything about it. They tried to talk to her but Abigail always rejected them. They wanted to help her but all she wanted that time is to die.
“She still blaming herself about the accident, since we have no witnesses about it she was the only knew about it” Celine said
“Auntie Celine, where’s Auntie Matilda?” Eunice asked
“She went back to her house for a while, because she can’t stand was happen to Yshmael and also to Abigail” she answered
Silence was in the room that hour, thinking what they can do about the situation. They knew how much she loves him and now everything was gone like everything turned into a black, there’s no hope and there’s no reason to live again. They also tried to ask what happen that night, but the only response they can get from her is, “it’s all my fault, I am the only one to be blamed” then she will sleep again. They can’t force her to tell what happen that night, in reason that accident is still traumatic for her. She didn’t want to talk about it even what happen before they engage in the accident. They also worried because for the past two wants there were times Abigail wanted to commit suicide so that her mother always be with her.
--------Abigail’s Lonely Days--------
I tried to forget what happen that night. I used not to eat or drink anything for me to die and say goodbye to this unfair world. Everything fell down like building collapsed in front of my eyes and even the foundation was collapsed because of unknown phenomena, I wish that I died that hour not him.
The Accident
One of his friends called him to celebrate our upcoming wedding. They are very happy; I decided to be with him because at the same time we have our engagement party by ten in the evening.
I approached him when I saw him, he looks like drunk already “Honey, we need to go and also you are look like drunk already” I said as I assist him to the nearest couch.
He just smiled at me, “I’m fine honey, don’t worry” he answered to me with a smile.
I’m a little bit worried about it because I can’t drive our car going back to the event place. It’s already eight in the evening and we need to go back.
“We need to go guys, thank you for this celebration” he said then I just waved my hands to say goodbye to them.
I tried to stop him to drive but he insisted, “Don’t worry, I can drive” he smiled and I’m a little bit worried because he seemed to be dizzy. We fasten our seatbelts, as I thought but I didn’t check if he fastened his seatbelt. He drive the car so fast because no one was in the way but we didn’t expect then I don’t know what happen next. I opened my eyes when I got back to my consciousness, I saw him in front of me covering me with blood on his neck. The only words that I can remember is, “Please live for me love and my life” then everything went black and I don’t know what happen. They told me that I was in coma for almost a month and the doctor told to them that I need to rest for four to five months. I used to be curious because Yshmael didn’t visit me even a day. I told them that I want to go home, but they always disagreed to it and because of that it became a suspicious. When I got home, I thought it was only a joke when I saw two jar for a dead person and a picture of Yshmael on it. My legs became shaky, I felt that my heart skip a beat and I went to grieve because I can’t accept the truth that I am the reason why he died and also our child.
All I want now is to sleep forever and die with my dreams. I sleep as I can wishing that I can be with him in the dreamland then after a while I felt something caressing my hair and calling my name.
“Abigail, wake up” the voice was like Yshamel’s so I woke up immediately to see if he was him
I am very happy that I saw him, “I’m already dead?” I asked while I’m looking to my hands and body
Yshmael just laugh and pinch my cheeks, “Not yet my queen” he answered
It made me cold again, all I want is to be with him. “But I wanted to be with you, please” I cried a lot
He just hugged me and keep on caressing my hair, “You need to live my queen, I saved you because I wanted you to live happily and start a new life without me” he said
I cried harder, “But, I can’t” I cried and cried and hugged him so tight
“You will leave and start over again” he said “You remembered that you did it once so I know you can do that again” he tried to tell me about the past. The past that I used to forget because of his warmth love towards me. We spent a few hours to talk about everything, and even a little while I used to calm down. Then little by little he was disappeared with the words, “Please live for me my beautiful queen, I know you are strong enough to start over” then I woke up.
I can’t believe that was only a dream, so I ran go outside and looked him around the house and even I called Auntie Matilda. I am like a insane woman looking on something, then suddenly I stopped in front of his picture like someone stopped me. I fell down, and cried a lot.
“How can you say that I can live and move on without you now?!” I burst in tears “What do you think I am?” I keep on saying things connected to us.
My mother approached me, “It seems you talked to him in the dream, sweetie” she said and then she hugged me
“But I can’t do the thing he told me to do, I can’t live without him” I still crying
She patted me like a little girl, “He saw you a strong woman, and he knew that you can start over again” she said to comfort me
“But, I can’t” I said while holding to her clothes “I can’t live without him” I cried again until I fell asleep on my mother’s arms.
After a month
I used to follow what Yshamel wanted me to do, to start again not into the sense that I will find another man to replace him. After a month of recovery, I re-apply to the past company I used to work and where Yshmael always drop me off. At this time the most important to me is to follow his wish for me. You maybe think that I’m insane right now, but its fine. I used to have my breakfast in front of his picture, talking to him like he was alive. I used to say goodbye and hello every time I go to work and went home, it was the only way that I can do to lessen my depression. I used to buy chocolates for my one and only child. It may be hard for me to see children in the park and even the children with their parents. I wish that our child can survive also, but that was not the reality. I used to live again as Sweet Cold Blooded Miss, but I didn’t cheat anyone but I didn’t just accept suitors until one day;
“Hello Abigail, how are you today?” a newly hired man in our department it’s been five months when I started to start again
I just looked at him, “I’m fine, and please go to work” I answered him coldly
He just smiled at me and went to his cubicle to work. Sometimes I can’t get my eyes off to him because he was like Yshmael back then. I am not interested to him so that I didn’t ask even his name.
It looks like he wanted to court me, I used to see a bouquet of flowers every week on my table then he will waved his hand telling those flowers were from him. His actions, and his gestures are alike to Yshmael but still he was not Yshmael after all.
I used to buried myself to work in order to buried also my cold feelings to others, then;
“Miss Abigail, did you eat your lunch?” he asked
I just looked at him, “I’m sorry I didn’t accept any invitations from strangers” I said then I stood up to place the pile of paper in the next table
“We can eat lunch together if you want” he asked “Don’t worry I have my own money to buy my own” he added
“I’m sorry, I don’t have time for that” I answered
Maybe he lost patience to me, he left and went outside. I just continue my work until I can’t feel that I am hungry. It’s already one in the afternoon and everybody start again their work to their cubicles. I went to the my workmate’s cubicle to get the papers for the weekly report. When I went back to my cubicle, I saw a bread and a juice on my table with a note, “Please eat” then when I looked back I saw him looking to my direction. I don’t know what to feel about it, for now I can feel the warmth because it’s the same what Yshmael did to me back in college. When our job was over, I used be the last person went out because I didn’t expect anyone waiting for me. When I walked towards the door I saw him, standing outside like he was waiting on someone.
“Hello, did you finish on something?” he asked smiling
I just passed him by, “Again, I don’t talk to strangers” then I walked again
He blocked my way, “By the way I’m Ysrael, Ysrael Constantino” he answered “You can call me Ysh instead” he added
My heart throbs so much, like I saw Yshmael to him. For now, I can’t love anyone for now because the one who holds my heart, the air I breathe and the one became the reason to live is still Yshmael.