Nicholas clenched his teeth. The reality of his situation fell on him. The reality of the room he was in fell on him, and even though he thought he was in control of everything that was happening in his life, he couldn't make himself believe at the moment that he was really in control because he wasn't. If he had known, he would have spoken to his parents directly in a private room and tell them that he was not going to marry Jessica Bolton. Maybe they would have understood him. Maybe they would have not been putting the amount of pressure they were constantly putting on him now to get married to her. He knew that the day of his marriage to Jessica Bolton was in a few months time and even though he had not spoken with Christabel about it, he still felt she would understood because she always did. She always took her time to listen to him and to tell him how she felt in the situation they had found themselves in. But now, with everything happening so fast, with wedding invitations being sent to people that he had no idea about, he didn't even know if the plan he had in his mind was actually going to work. He didn't even know if a day would actually come when he would have the opportunity to present Christabel Bloom to his parents and tell them that she was the one he loved.
Suddenly, he felt the desire to slip out of the house and leave it for good. A desire to run away from his family house and never come back to it until his parents came to the realization that he had control over his life, that he needed to have control of his life. He paused on the floor as he ran his mind through some series of events. Even though he found it hard to believe that his fight for independence was actually going to work out, he didn't know where to place his feeling at the moment. He felt lost.
The darkness in the room made him feel fear for the first time in an hour and this fear made him feel alive. It made him feel as if he was an element which had to be reckoned. The fear made him feel as if he was a symbol for something that had to be adored. He brought his head low as he reminded himself about his present condition. He knew he had to fight above his fear and prove to his parents that he was a man who was culpable of taking care of himself and who was capable of making a decision without the influence of their words. He tried to instill a sense of courage in his mind with the words that were coming out from his mouth. Yet, despite all his efforts, he still felt like he was a loner who was sailing on a lonely road alone with no one watching.
He sat down on his bed and turned on the light in his room. Everything around him came to life as soon as the lights were turned on. He found a mirror and grabbed it. He stared at himself on the mirror. He stared at the same face that had assured Christabel Bloom that everything was going to be fine. He didn't know what else to say. He was as lost as her. He was as lost as everyone in the world who hid in one corner of their rooms hoping to find their individual saviors. He tried to relax his mind as he assured himself that he was strong enough to take care of his problems. He tried to relax his mind as he assured himself that he had been through worse in his life and he had conquered all his problems comfortably without looking back.
Then, slowly, as he felt the confidence within him rising at a steady pace, he realized he had listened to everything his parents had told him in his life. He realized that his confidence only started with him and ended with him. He realized he was weak, and this feeling of weakness made him feel totally broken until he got to a point where he considered breaking up with Christabel Bloom.
He stood up from where he was sitting. Stupidity followed him until he took his phone and dialled Christabel's number. Her phone rang once and then it stopped. It stopped before his heart could beat for the fifteenth time. He was thinking. His mind was trying as fast as he could to find a solution to his present situation. He felt ending it with Christabel was the ultimate solution to his problem and he wouldn't have to deal with his parents anymore. The process of ending it with her was the problem now because he couldn't build the courage to look at her face directly and to tell her that he no longer cared about her. He couldn't summon the courage within him to look at her directly in the eyes and tell her that all the words he said to her were all lies and he didn't mean to hurt her feelings.
Nicholas Wild stood crushed in his mind. He stood like a man who was at the verge of falling while knowing fully well that the part he was about to fall into was hostile and was in no way ready to accept any form of human reasoning with him. He felt weak. He felt totally broken. And, at the height of his weakness and brokenness, he couldn't find a word to describe how he felt. Everything he thought he felt spread out in his eyes like a dream.
Suddenly, as if beaten by a heavy rain, he acknowledged the art of thinking and how difficult it was for a man to come up with a solution to a problem he could only classify as a dilemma.