Tears flowed down uncontrollably, soaking the papers in my hand. I fell down and cried out, cuddling myself. I held myself, but hit my hand on the ground as I cried out, I felt like pulling my head out, I scratched myself to feel more pain, I stood and fell again.
And when I was down, I stood up again, and threw myself on the ground, until there was no strength left to beat myself again.
I had lost it all. I wasn't even hungry anymore. I couldn't even find the stomach. My heart was heavy and it felt like the pain in there before now had expanded, and a hollow hole existed, and wasn't going to go away. I felt my rib cage shrinking, I felt my soul going away from my body, and my spirit sinking down.
It was like being in the land of living but dead, breathing but not living.
I didn't know what to cry about, the fact that Pascal wasn't even my blood, and wanted us to be in a relationship and I turned it down? Or the fact that I had been left alone for life?
I cried till I felt pity for myself. Suddenly, I didn't have strength anymore. I was going crazy. I looked at the papers again and stuffed them inside my bag.
It happened, and just like they said, I was on my own, and I had to find my own way. But which road was I going to take? How was I even going to take the first step? Would there even be a step to take? Because I was practically lost.
I was troubled with my spirit, soul and body till midday. I had pushed myself to the store and grabbed some packets of cereals and milk, which I put inside my bag, and a canned food which I consumed immediately. I had already spent $50 on food before I even knew it, but I didn't care. I hoped that when it would finish, I would gladly die of hunger in the streets, homeless, rejected, and abandoned. I prayed that God would have my soul to keep, because I was going to die before I lived.
I took out the papers from my bag, it was the only thing I could do, my phone had died and I was getting bored to death.
They were still wet, so I spread it on the ground to get dried by the heat of the sun. And as I watched it, I was hypnotized by the traumatizing words and sentences from the paper. I couldn't get my eyes or mind out of it.
"Damn it!" I snarled. Stood up and took the papers. I wanted to tear it all apart, but seeing Pascal's name again calmed me.
"He is not my cousin, he is not my brother…" I thought "maybe we are meant to be…" I thought about it for a while.
I could still have him, I could still be in a relationship with him, he wasn't my cousin! It didn't matter if he was already in a relationship or not.
Strength was anew, I was going to propose to Pascal to marry me.
I got to his place, feeling hopeful, and better than before. And I hoped his girlfriend wouldn't be around as well.
I knocked on the door and the expressionless face of Pascal met my presence.
"What are you doing here? I thought I asked you to leave?"
"Just, just hear me out, please…" I tried to calm him down first, so that it would all sink into his heart.
His arms were folded and he stood, waiting for my speech.
"Pascal I love you, and i—"
"Is that what you came here to tell me? That you love me?" he hissed.
"I do Pascal, I really do" i said, followed by an expression of confession.
"Too late Arianne, I don't buy that anymore" tired of talking to me already.
"But I do—"
"Yeah? And so fucking what? You don't expect me to just leave my girlfriend just because of you…" he scorned.
"Just because of me you say?..." Yes, I was no one after all. he turned her face away from me. And silence ruled for a moment.
"Anyways, I need to tell you something…" he looked at me with an attentive eye.
I brought out the papers, he looked at it and back at me.
"Pascal, I'm sorry I turned you down, you don't expect me to be in a romantic relationship with my cousin? I mean it didn't feel right, I couldn't bring myself to do it, I —"
And that was the moment his shit head girlfriend came out, gnashing her teeth.
"I'm not your cousin, Arianne" damn, I was shocked to hear that.
"Pascal, so you knew about it all, all these while?..." My eyes reddened, my heart more heavy "then you can't blame me for not allowing us to work" I pleaded for a second chance.
"I gave you a warning asshole, I told you not to come here again!" She yelled, coming down the door stairs.
I was angry, at everything, at everyone, at the fact that Pascal also knew. I looked at his girlfriend and the anger kept burning.
"Now, leave or I will make you regret ever coming here" she threatened, with a wild look.
"He is mine…" the words weren't settled and his girlfriend gave me a dirty slap which knocked me down on the ground!
She pounced on me while I was still trying to recover from the slap, she locked her two legs beside my body, right at my ribs, and positioned her hand, directed at my face.
"He is yours huh? You ain't leaving this place until I'm done with you!" She raged and punched me again, and I felt nothing but pain all around my face. She grabbed me by the collar, raised my head up and hit me again, this time breaking my nose.
"Is that all you've got huh?" I yelled, spitting blood on her face, which got to her nerves. Pascal wasn't even saying a shit, he wasn't calling her girlfriend to back off.
She hit me repeatedly until I managed to cover my face with my two hands. She got up and started kicking my sides. Pascal wasn't intervening. He kicked me on my stomach, I cried out and grumbled on the ground, but then, my brain was resetted, I was fighting for nothing, Pascal knew that I wasn't even related to him.
I caught her leg and used all the strength I had to pull her down, she hit her rib on the pavement and cried like a baby.
She couldn't believe that I had just hit her down, I couldn't believe it too… but I have had enough of the bullshit, I rather fight for myself now, or die for nothing.
"Stop! Arianne!" Pascal yelled at me to stop.
"Look at what she did to my face! You never asked her to stop! Fuck you! Yes! Fuck you!" I raged and rushed at his girlfriend, kicking and punching her like a mad dog, and as I did, I got more and more angry, it was as if I was taking all the pain to her, the pain turned into anger and I continued letting it all on her.
She stopped struggling and Pascal rushed at me. he pushed me away, and with the heat of the pain and anger, I pushed him to the ground. I rushed to his girlfriend on the ground, but I couldn't hear Pascal again, not even a sob.
I looked at him and my eyes widened. Pascal was still lying helplessly on the ground. I gasped and felt the burn in my head go away, I was seeing blood in my eyes all the time, and it just slid off.
I looked at my hands and it was covered in blood, his girlfriend's blood. The girl was lying on the ground, nearly lifeless, she wasn't moving, only blood from her face did.
I rushed down to Pascal, I could tell that his heart was still beating, but I wasn't sure if he was breathing.
"No no no no" I cried, holding his head up. I dropped him and started performing CPR but nothing was working.
I was going crazy, I looked left and right to see if I could find something, anything at all to help them, nothing. I looked at his girlfriend, she wasn't moving either.
The beating of my heart beat against my ribcage as my mind ran through the realization that I had just killed two people, an offence that can have me in jail for the rest of my life. No, no way!
"No this can't be happening!" I growled fearfully.
I heard a car screech and parked. I looked in the direction, and a man, about 30 years of age, came down from the car. He looked at me and down at my bloodied hands, he saw the two bodies lying on the ground, I was more terrified than he was!
He reached into his pocket to dial 911, and I started running away!
"Hey! Come back here!!" I wasn't going to turn back. The man had gone closer to them, but I was far gone, tainted with the fear that I just became a murderer. It wasn't even one, but two people, and not just some random person, but the guy I had practically grown up with, the guy I took as my own brother, the guy I love…