Fear, they say, is an enemy of mankind, but fear is born out of mankind. It pulls your heart up to your throat, and your stomach hanging in a distance with a little hole, you didn't create, but met. It makes you sick to the head, impatient, it makes you become an unnecessarily alerted watchman.
On every sound, and every moment, and if you can't control yourself, you lose yourself. Is a two way devil.
But I was sure as hell going through the process of losing my mind. I watched every step, I took every sound to be that of the cops and death itself. With the gnashing teeth of guilt eating me up, I was restless, disturbed and losing my human senses.
I had ran to the nearest bus stop that night, but it wasn't enough of a hiding place, anyone could see me, I mean, the cops. I heard the sirens more often piercing through my head and stomach.
The buses left before I could even settle down. I had nowhere else to go, and I wasn't going to waste my money on a hotel or motel room. The buses left me deserted, and at the same time, I went on, to find another haven.
I found myself in the nearest train station eaten up by guilt, slowly tormented by everything and everyone in my head. I cuddled myself with my bag , tears and sweat stenched clothes.
Luckily, which wasn't fortunate, I found a corner at the train station where I could rest my head. I was nearly out of touch with the world. I had no idea what was happening again, or where I would be going again. The only thing that was identified was the siren sounds of the cops. Perhaps, I was the wicked, who would have no peace.
My heart drowned in fear, and my eyes shut on and off, letting the sights of the people and the lights in the train station until there was none left.
I thought about how I fought and thought… I might be able to survive after all…
My head kept turning, clicking up on absurd images until I cried myself to sleep, with a heart inflated with heavy sobs.
****
"Oh my god!"
"Who was that!?"
"What happened to her!?"
"The world is going crazy!"
"Oh my! She's so young"
"She doesn't deserve to die like this!"
"What's the world turning into!!"
"You can't even raise your children with good morals anymore, at the end of the day, they will always take the path of life they want!"
"No!!! Every parent has to do the job of training up their child in good ways, even if the child turns bad, at least you won't have yourself to blame"
''young people need help, they are really going through a lot"
`''everyone is going through a lot! Let's keep praying for them anyways"
"May the lord have her soul to keep"
"it's so unfortunate. Rest In peace young blood, you fought as much as you could"...
My ears were disturbed by the noise in the background, which was once distant until I flickered my eyes open, and the whole noise rushed at me, hitting my heart and head, it was like a piercing sound, making a hole in my head with a drill.
I felt my soul burning, and my spirit fighting with the world, everything and everyone around. It was like I had my soul in my hand but it wasn't mine, it kept on purging and fighting to let go, it was either forcing its way up, or down, and I was caught in the middle, but didn't have the power to decide if my soul went down or up, even though the scale of justice rested on my hands.
I staggered my way through the clogging crowd, and upon getting to the front row to see what the fuss was all about, The ambulance arrived, and a young woman as young as me, same height, was lifted into the ambulance, and in no time the crowd dispersed, the emotional, the angry ones, the crying ones and the pity-filled ones.
They said she had committed suicide in the early morning hours in the train station.
I stood, unsure of what I had just seen. I looked around and no one seemed to notice me, everyone was on and about their shit. I gulped, and suffocated.
So, I killed myself, and became a ghost. Where was I headed to? What was I going to do? So I still had to continue my weary and pitiful life even after death? It was certain to me, there was no rest for me.
I turned around and saw a senior with a walking stick and a puppy walking towards me. The puppy started barking, and I was amused, at least dogs could see me! I was glad to know that I would have companions even after death and still walking the earth.
I expected them to walk through me, so I didn't bother to adjust. I looked up with a thought so God what's next now?
Immediately after, I felt something hit my leg, my eyes widened. "God answered me!" I exclaimed.
With great excitement to see what the sign was, I turned to see the old man and his puppy right in front of me. I was puzzled. Why was he there? Why was he staring at me? Did the dog make him stop?
"Pretty, you stink!" He snarled
"What the fuck! God is that you?" I exclaimed, bending down to the short man to get more connected.
"Of course it is me!" He said. Damn it was really God! I was excited, at least my soul didn't go to hell.
"Now get the fuck outta my way! I have a flight to catch" he hissed. And pushed me away.
"Huh? Are you leaving me here?" I asked, utterly confused and disappointed.
"No, I'm coming to pick you after I'm dead. You all young people take way too many drugs, when I was at your age I didn't take too many drugs, I knew when to stop. But I can assure you, I never ran away from home with my bag hung over my back with no shirt on, but only a dirty short that hasn't been washed in days!" He hissed.
Wait, what was he talking about? Oh is Jesus. But the bible never mentioned that Jesus did drugs when he was 22?