I quietly entered the library to look for books for the school work that I am going to finish today because I was absent for a week. I have to catch up on the lessons to keep up and not affect my grades.
I chose the side part of the library where there was no one. Since that night, I avoided people because I was afraid of hearing words that would hurt me.
I placed my things on the chair, then headed to the bookshelves to find a book. I also have a lot to do to catch up on the lessons.
I looked at the books in each row of the bookshelf one by one. It is quite difficult to find the necessary book because of the number of books there.
I smiled when I saw the book I was looking for, it was on the top of the bookshelf which is why I didn't see it right away. I raised my hand to take it but because the bookshelf was high and I'm short, I could barely hold the book. I'm trying to reach it but I still can't reach it. I tried again and again to reach but I failed. I tried to jump but I couldn't get the book.
I frowned and tried again to reach the book. When I touched a part of it, I stretched even more but nothing happened. Later, a hand appeared from nowhere and took the book I was reaching for.
"I'll get it for you."
I stopped when I heard that voice. I can't be wrong about who it is because every minute, I seem to hear it in my head. My body went cold with nervousness while my chest pounded more than normal.
I can feel his presence very much and it seems that there is a space in my heart that has been filled. I longed for that voice.
"Are you okay?"
I moved a little when I felt his body slide on my back. It was as if electricity flowed through me to make me feel tingling and weak.
I was even more stunned when he moved and brought his body closer to me. He almost hugged me in our position. I can feel the beating of his chest, its strength.
"I miss you, Jan," he said softly in my ear. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise because of his hot breath that touched the back of my ear.
I closed my eyes. Am I giving in and becoming fragile? I can't even move because of his presence and his body clinging to me.
Even if I deny it to myself, I still can't pretend how much I miss everything about Mar. It's just nice to feel his presence again which I haven't felt in a long time.
I closed my eyes violently and swallowed to calm the emotions that were raging inside me. I tightened my grip on the bookshelves, then turned to face him. I was stunned to see how close his face was to mine. I can feel his fragrant breath.
His palms rested on the upper part of the bookshelf as he bent down and looked directly into my eyes. I see how he longs for me and the bitterness and pain but the love remains in his eyes.
"I miss your lips." His eyes dropped to my lips so I swallowed. "I miss your hugs." Bitterness drew on his face. "I miss your hands." He held my stiff hand. "I miss all of you," he said softly and lovingly.
My eyes remained on the whole of his face. I can't explain how excited I was to look at it. I yearn for him more and I want to fill that yearning.
"M-Mar," I had a hard time saying his name.
Mar closed his eyes and his eyes were full of happiness when I mentioned his name.
"God! I miss your voice calling my name, say it again please," he begged.
"The book is mine," I said without thinking. My face went blank again and the emotion disappeared there.
"Jan-"
"Give it to me now," I said authoritatively.
Mar's shoulders seemed to drop. The hope that had drawn on his face earlier was lost and replaced with bitterness. His body relaxed against me. Our space widened and with each gap that grew, my heart broke more.
I grabbed the book from his hand and quickly walked away, and returned to my table.
I blew out air, over and over to calm myself. My eyes are watering again and it seems that at any moment they will drop.
I miss you, Mar!
Because of what happened, I couldn't even read a book or do activities. My brain has gone blank and Mar has taken over everything.
–
"Let's go," Malia said to me when the class ended. "I'm hungry," he added.
I arranged my things and put them in my bag. "You're always hungry, huh," I joked.
"Let's eat, I'll pay."
I turned around at that voice and Ken stood at me, smiling. I hung my bag and stood up from my seat.
The two looked at each other, then turned to me. "What are you waiting for? Let's go." I walked out of the classroom and heard their footsteps following me.
Where is Mar? I haven't seen him since this morning. Whether I admit it or not, I'm not used to not seeing him.
When we got to the cafeteria, we took a seat in the middle of the place. Ken also ordered the food for us.
"Why didn't Mar come in?"
I frowned and looked at Malia. Is it right to open that topic while I'm thinking about Mar? I didn't answer.
"Don't you feel sorry for him?" he asked. "He exerts effort just to prove how much he loves you. He never got tired of following you even if you ignored him, even if he looked like a crazy dog." Malia laughed and immediately became serious. "Not that I'm on Mar's side, but that's how it is. I'll tell you this one last time, don't waste time because we don't have the opportunity. We never know when people will disappear from our lives. Better to cherish every moment of our lives. Don't be afraid of what others will say," he said.
I bowed slightly. I wish it was that easy. I hope it's easy to be happy and not think about other people. Because I'm not the type who doesn't care what others say.
"Hey, it looks like you're talking seriously, ah," Ken interrupted the heavy atmosphere in the place where we were.
"Why are you taking so long, huh? We're hungry," Malia complained to Ken.
He scratched his head. "I'm sorry, there's a lot of people there," he said.
"Alright, put the food down," Malia ordered.
Ken put the food on the table and gave it to me and Malia. I smiled at Ken. "Thank you," I said. He just smiled in response.
"By the way, are you guys excited about our graduation next month?" Ken asked.
"Of course, yes, it's our reward for the hard work and dedication we invest," Malia answered happily.
"You, Jan?" Ken turned to me.
"Sure," I answered briefly, then turned to the food.
I couldn't feel the food in front of me. I don't feel like it because I still have everything Malia said in my mind.
I turned to Ken and Malia, I smiled at the closeness I could see between the two of them. They are flirting as if they are comfortable with each other.
"When have you been so close?"
They stopped and frowned when they faced me. Shame and embarrassment appeared on their faces.
"Huh? We're friends, t-that's why, we're close,” Ken explained.
Malia nodded. "Yeah, right. There is no malice there," he further defended.
I smiled. "Did I say anything? You react like you are secret lovers who have been caught," I teased them.
"Secret lover!" they exclaimed almost at the same time. "Of course not," they continued.
I just laughed because of the panic between the two. Hmmm! It seems like something is happening between these two, ah.
I couldn't help but smile wider as suddenly there was a distance between the two of them and they seemed to need each other.
–
I let out a breath and stared intently at the ceiling. Why don't my eyes get tired of tears? When will the tears run out of my eyes so I don't have to cry anymore?
"Nah."
I blinked and quickly wiped away the tears that fell from my eyes. The door opened and mom entered.
I sat on the bed, avoiding looking at her. "Has he left?" I asked sadly.
"Ugh." He nodded. She looked at me sadly, then came to the bed and sat across from me. "Son, aren't you tired of hurting yourself and the person you love?" She asked sadly.
I bowed down. "I'm so tired, Mom. I'm tired of myself." Tears came to my eyes again because of the pain I felt.
"Son," she held my hand and squeezed it gently. "You don't have to hurt yourself and the person you love so much. Face the fear in your heart. Don't wait for the person you love to disappear forever just because you became a coward to face the world with him." She smiled even though I knew she was struggling with my situation. "Yes, people around you may judge you but that will not change the fact that you love each other. Who are they? They are just people around you who don't understand the love you feel. People who are closed-minded to the new world. What's important is what you two feel."
Tears welled up in my eyes because of what Mom said. I was very affected by that.
"Do you know why I ignored you when I found out your gender preference? I'm worried. I was afraid for you because I know the world is cruel to people like you. I didn't want to accept that you were like that because I was afraid that the people around you would hurt you. You remember back then, I set up a blind date with you even though you were only in grade 7 at the time." She laughed recalling that memory. I laughed because of that too. I still remember how much I objected to that but it still ended up being a blind date.
"I don't want the world to judge you. But I know you weren't happy then and I was hurt by what I did. So even though it was difficult for me, my fear, I fought so that I could be free and be happy. I don't want to hurt you just because I'm afraid people will judge you. I don't want you to be sad." She blew out the air. Tears fell from her eyes but she still smiled. "Don't make yourself sad. Fight the fear and you will be happy and free." She wiped away the tears.
I can not control myself. I sobbed and quickly hugged Mom tightly.
I remember how Mom was scared for me when she found out I was like this. She was afraid that the world would judge me so she tried to change me so that everything would be normal for me.
"I'm sorry, 'Mom," I said sobbing.
I felt her palm on my back. "It's not your fault for being like that. That's you and you shouldn't pretend to be someone else. Be yourself and you'll be happy.” She rubbed my back gently. "I can't see you sad and in pain because as your mother, I feel the same way."
"I'm sorry, Mom. I became a coward. I hurt not only Mar but also you."
“Shhh! You don't need to be sorry, what you need to do is fix everything."
I let go of my hug to her. "Thank you, 'Mom." I smiled and quickly kissed her on the cheek. "You're right, I'll fix everything. Thank you. I love you, Mom.” I kissed her on the cheek and quickly got off the bed.
"Hey, where are you going at night?"
"I will fix everything Mom. I'll be right back. I love you, Mom.”
The tears stopped in my eyes. I quickly ran out of the room and out of the house.
I hired a taxi to the place where Mar lives. Mom is right, maybe everyone will get caught and I will regret it in the end. I'm not going to open it any longer, I need to talk to Mar right away and fix everything between us. Apologize and ask us to go back to the way we were before.
I quickly got off the taxi and paid when it arrived in front of the big house where Mar lives. I've only been here a few times because I'm ashamed of his family.
I rang the doorbell at the gate several times. I even smiled when the guard came out and approached me.
"Sir, is Mar there?" I immediately asked, full of excitement.
The guard thought. "Sorry, Sir, but Sir Mar is not here. He hasn't come home in a few days," said the guard who immediately leaned on my shoulder.
"Is that so? Alright, thank you," I said sadly. My joy and excitement suddenly disappeared because of what I found out.
My shoulders slumped and I turned and walked away from the gate. Where are you, Mar? Why are you gone now when I'm ready? Am I too late and we will never get back together? Or maybe he's tired of chasing and wooing me.
I didn't realize that I was already on the road and it was too late. I was dazzled by the light from the car that was only a few feet away from me.
The last thing I saw was pure white before I passed out completely.