"Why do you look in a bad mood? Look, your face looks like a torn piece of paper," Mar greeted me when I arrived in the classroom.
I ignored him. I continued walking towards my seat where I was next to him. Didn’t he know I cried all night? Up to this day I am still very much in pain.
"Hey! Are you okay?" he asked again.
I sat on the bench and faced the front where my classmates were singing.
Mar sat down next to me and hugged me. "Can you please sto, Mar?" I asked with an irritated, relatively high tone. "It's your fault," I added
He seemed surprised at my behavior. "Hey, hey! Calm down, you're too high blood, that'll make you ugly," he said slightly backwards.
I just turned around and turned back to my classmates. I was disgusted and I didn’t know why. Everyone who spoke to me, I gave them a bad attitude, even the guard at the gate.
"By the way, yesterday, you said you would follow us, but you didn't follow. So I looked for you at the mall," he said seriously.
Even though my eyes were focused on the front, I was still focused on Mar. I was even more bored when I remembered what happened yesterday. "I'm just your friend, Mar and I don't have the right to tell you all my reasons." I stood up and raised my voice in annoyance. I was carried away by emotion. I saw how surprised Mar was. I quickly walked out of the classroom and went to the plaza.
I don’t want to affect our friendship but what if he is the reason why I am hurting? Why am I sad?
I made the mistake of falling in love with my best friend.
-
As the days passed, there's a wall between Mar and me. The old jokes, the laughter are now gone. Every time I see him, he just looks at me and avoids me as well. I don't know why he didn't chase me when I left. I wonder why he even has to distance himself that I should be the only one doing.
But I was so excited for him. With every move I make, he and our memory are what I think of. Which makes my feelings even more painful. There was nothing I could do because I knew that even if I told him I loved him, that would not change the fact that he would never be able to love me more than a friend.
Every day in my life has lost its color that used to look like a very colorful rainbow. The fun, the thrill, the smile disappeared and were replaced by sadness and pain. It is wrong to love a friend because the friend will remain just a friend.
After class I quietly arranged my belongings in my bag. My classmates in the classroom are gone and I feel like I’m the only one left there. I quickly finished what I was doing and strapped the bag to my back. I turned around and was so shocked to see Mar there, waiting. Since we avoided each other. He walked away and sat in another chair away from me.
I looked at him for a moment and started to walk out but he quickly blocked me.
"Can we talk, Jan?" he asked calmly.
I just looked at him. "No, I don't want to," I said directly but the truth is, I want to talk to him. But then I thought, I need to stay away until I can come back as his friend.
"Jan, what's the problem? Do we have a problem?" he asked, obviously very surprised by my behavior.
I took a deep breath. "Just let me pass, Mar." Instead of answering him that's all I said.
"No, I won't," she said.
"Mar, please!" I was annoyed with him.
Mar walked away from me and headed for the classroom door. He closed it and locked it. "I won't let you go until you tell me the problem, Mar," he said stubbornly.
My shoulder sagged because I knew what he said was true. I close my eyes tightly and bow slightly.
I looked at him seriously. "I don't have to explain to you, Mar because first of all, I'm just your friend. Secondly we don't have a problem."
His forehead furrowed. "What's wrong with you, Jan? You're so unreasonable. That's right, we're friends. Don't I have the right to question why you're avoiding me? Don't I have the right to ask you what's the matter? Because I'm so confused by the thought of what I did wrong, why you suddenly avoid me. Did I do something?" he said while there's an irritation there.
I kept quiet because I knew he was right. He had a right to know what the problem was because firstly, our friendship was affected, secondly, I left him a lot of questions, and lastly, I completely avoided him.
"That's right, we're just friends, Mar. We're just friends and I was wrong that I fell for a friend. Someone like you that I should just be my friend, Mar." Tears welled up in my eyes one after another because of the fact that was punching me. "M-me, I'm the one who's wrong here, Mar because I've lost the line that I should just be there. That you should just be a friend and I don't have to love you," I said and finally broke my voice.
There was a look of shock on his face because of my revelation to him. He was speechless and just stunned me.
"It's too late before I realize that I love you. I tried to stop, Mar, because I already knew where I was in your life. I've tried but I failed. I can't stand the word friend." I feel my heart being squeezed by eternal pain.
"J-Jan," he said. "I-I don't know."
"You don't have to speak, Mar because I know where I put myself. I know just where I should sit." I wiped the tear from my cheek. "You don't have to worry, I can do it. It's my mistake and I have to fix it."
"Isn't a mistake, Jan. You made no mistake. Who says that loving someone is a mistake?"
"But the person I loved is wrong, Mar because I shouldn't love you because you're a friend and that should be all there is to it."
Mar was silent for a moment. "You're not wrong, Jan," he said seriously.
I fell silent and was stunned by him. How could I not be wrong? I’m so hurt right now.
"Let me go, Mar," I said simply. I walked towards the door, he stopped me but I insisted on getting out.
Tears first fell in my eyes as I walked down the hallway of the building. Too much pain envelops me. I don’t know why everyone has to end up like this. Why do I even need to be in love with my friend? I made a mistake and was not aware of that possibility.