"Jan, why are your eyes puffy?"
I bowed when I heard Ken's voice. He sat next to me while just looking at me.
"It's nothing, I just didn't sleep well last night," I excuse even though I actually shed tears in my room the night before.
"Aw! Is that so? Are you okay?" I could feel his concern in his voice.
"Yeah, I'm good because I have no choice but to be okay." I smiled bitterly.
"How ironic is that, Jan? I know you're not okay, why don't you just admit it? Is it that hard to say you're not okay?"
I turned to him for a moment, wearing the sad face. "Because I have to be okay, Ken. I have to be okay," I said.
"And do you think that will help how you feel? Saying that you're okay but the truth is you're not, it won't help anymore. You're just confining yourself and not letting your true feelings out. You'll be harder, Jan," he said with concern written on his face.
I ran out of words to say. Doesn't my confinement really help? I don't know anymore because I'm confused. I'm stuck with how I feel and what Mar shows me. My brain is in too much trouble.
"I don't know, Ken because I'm confused. I have a lot of questions that I can't find the answer to."
"I do understand, Jan but let your feelings out. Don't hold back because that's what will help you the most," he said frowning.
I just felt tears welling up in my eyes. "I don't know what to do, Ken. I'm confused by what I'm thinking and what Mar is showing to me. I love him but I know we're just friends. I'm afraid that maybe...that maybe one day our friendship we've built for a long time went into nothing. I'm afraid of losing him because I fell for him when he should just be my friend." My voice is broken. I could feel Ken caressing my back. "I don't know what to think because he just makes everything more complicated."
"I'm right, you really love Mar." I even heard her faint breathing. I can't understand but there seems to be pain in his voice. "Falling in love with your best friend was not your fault, Jan. It's not your fault because if the friendship really matters to him, he won't ever throw it away, that even if you love him, he will always cherish those moments that you've shared together," he said. "All right, Jan let yourself burst out. Just cry until you feel better. I have my shoulder that you can lean on." He grabbed my head and leaned it against his chest.
I just burst into tears as Ken rubbed my back. Maybe he’s right, confining emotions doesn’t help because it will only make my feelings heavier.
"Thank you, Ken," I thanked him after I cried on his shoulder. I don’t know how I could let go of emotion without him.
-
"By the way, Ken, are you saying that someone grabbed your attention, right?" I asked him as we walked through the plaza. I drank the soft drinks Ken bought for me.
He turned to me. "Ah!? Yeah, but, it looks like she's no longer happy with the man who stole her attention. She's broken and always crying but I can't do anything to make her happy because no matter what I do, it looks like I'm not the one who made her happy," he said sadly.
I felt sad for him. "Staying with her is the best you can do, Ken. Make her feel like you're just next to her. Did you try to confess?" I'm just curious as to who that woman is that I feel the same way about. I'm broken.
"I don't have the guts to confess. Maybe it's better for me to stay by her side. I can do everything for her without expecting anything in return," he said.
"I just found out how much you love her. That woman is so lucky," I said with a smile.
"You're so lucky, Jan."
"Huh?"
"Ah! I mean…I said she was so lucky," he said and turned in the other direction. I just nodded.
I stopped when I saw Mar, he was looking at us as if his eyes were glazing. Meet her eyebrows. I looked at him for a moment and never looked back.
I was so shocked when I felt someone hold my arm. I turned around and saw Mar almost blushing. I can see the annoyance on his face. He tried to pull me but I didn’t let him.
"Let me go, Mar," I said as I withdrew my hand.
"I won't let you go until you come with me, Jan," he said stiffly.
"Let me go, I'm hurt, what do you want?" I moan, still struggling.
"Didn't you hear what Jan said? Let him go"
I turned to Ken who I knew was annoyed for reasons I don't know.
"And who are you to interfere?" Mar scolded Ken.
Ken smiled. "You? Who are you? You're just Jan's best friend, aren't you? You're just a best friend who let your friend stay away from you just because he loves you and now you're acting like a jealous boyfriend?" He still smiled.
Mar pulled me towards his back and released me. "You? Didn't you just enter Jan's life when you found out we were confused, didn't you? Because you have feelings for him and if you think that you will get him, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I won't let you. So don't act like Jan's knight in shining armor who we both know you have a motive," Mar threatened as if he would start at any moment.
"And at least I can stand what I feel, you? You're a coward, Mar you can't stand whatever you feel. You'll be a man, Mar don't be a coward."
I just screamed when Mar suddenly unleashed a blow. Ken was hit in the cheek so he sat down, his head still tilted due to the force of the blow given by Mar.
"Stop you, please!" I shouted.
Ken stood up a few seconds later. "Does it hurt to accept the truth, Mar? That I am, I can stand what I feel, while you are a coward," he repeated. He still smiled.
I was about to close my eyes when Mar punched him again. Ken escaped and he unleashed the blow that hit Mar. He also sat down.
"Stop it!" I cried with tears in my eyes. "Ken, please that's enough," I pleaded. I attended Mar. I could see his bleeding lip bothering me. I helped him stand up. "Mar, I beg you, stop," I said. There are students already looking at us.
"No matter what else you say, you still can't change the fact that I'm the one Jan loves," Mar said emphatically. I hugged him so as not to rush. I saw how the truth seemed to slap Ken. "Let's go, Jan." He grabbed my hand and pulled me away from Ken.
I didn't say anything and just let Mar go with me. This is better than having those two completely disfigured.
Mixed thoughts filled my brain. I am especially confused by what happened. From what I heard from Mar and Ken. I don’t know why Mar is becoming like this. I also don’t know why he said that to Ken. What is his motive for me?
Mar just let me go when we got to the vacant classroom. That was abandoned on the second floor of the building. Even though it was a bit far, I didn’t seem to feel tired.
Mar was restless. He turned to me and scratched his head. I could even hear her breathing. Soon he was able to comb his hands through his own hair.
I just silently watched him, crying. Why is Mar becoming like this? Why does he have to mess with my system? Here I am, ready to forget my feelings for him because I don't want to lose him forever.
"I-I'm sorry, Mar. It's all my fault. If I hadn't fallen for you, I hope we're okay. I hope we're not like this. Big mistake–"
He turned to me. "What if I say it's not a mistake that you fall for me? What if...if that's what I want too?" Her eyes widened.
"Mar," I only uttered.
"I don't know but I want you to only like me and not Ken or any other man. I'm angry everytime I see you with that man. I'm disgusted. I'm bored. I want to punch. I want to just have fun with you. I just want to be with you. Am I selfish, right? But that's what I feel, Jan," he said while drawing confusion on his face.
I don’t know what I should think. Whether I admit it or not, what he said brought me eternal happiness but I knew I couldn't handle it. Probably because he was just used to always having my full attention on him. That's not sure. I will restrain myself from relying.
I averted my eyes from him. I don’t want to rely on despite what he shows me. I was afraid of being hurt even more. "Of course, I'm your best friend and it's normal to feel jealous. I'm stupid if I think you're jealous because you love me too, that's a big joke, isn't it?" I still laughed even though it brought me so much pain.
Mar was speechless but confusion remained on her face.
"Isn't it, I'm right? But don't worry, Mar you're still my best friend. That's all you can give me because who else would want a gay man like me. No. I'm just your best friend." Simultaneously tears dripped from my eyes. Every time I utter the word ‘best friend’, my heart breaks. "I was stupid for falling in love with my best friend."
Mar approached me, eyes talking. "You're not stupid but I am, Jan. I'm stupid for letting you feel the pain. I'm stupid for letting you go. I'm your friend but I can't do anything because I'm confused." He came closer to me until we were barely close to each other.
I bowed. I felt him touch my chin and lifted it slightly. "You're not just my best friend, Jan, you're so very important to me and I can't if I lose you in my life. I don't care if you're a gay, all I know is I can't lose you," kindly said Mar. He wiped the tear from my cheek. "Please, stop crying," he comforted.
"I won't lose, Mar I'll just fix myself," I replied. "Because as long as I love you, I can't give you the friendship we want."
"Why do we give it a try, Jan? Let's try."
My forehead furrowed. I don’t know if I’ll be pleased or annoyed with what he said. What? I broke his hand that was holding my face. "Try?" I smiled. "Is it that easy for you to tell us to try? What is it, try out when you don't work you can back out? Mar, I love you but I'm not desperate to gamble on a game I'm not sure I'll win. Because I knew at first that everything was unlikely to be possible. One more thing, don't you have a girlfriend? "
Mar sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. "But that's all I can do right now, Jan. I know in myself that I can't afford to lose you because you're important to me. When...when we try, it might work. It might be love. I don't know, Jan but that's the only thing I can do." Mixed emotions can be seen on his face and I don't even know what they are. "I-I broke up with her, Jan."
"Don't try if you're not sure, Mar. I'm not a tester you can use to find out if it will work or not. I'm gay and you know how thirsty I am for true love because I never feel it to anyone. I don't want to gamble my love on a test because I'm not sure. You have no certainty that my hypothesis might disapprove," I said emotionally.
"If you don't want to try, please just stay," his eyes whispered. He approached me again with wide eyes. “I’m confused, Jan and if you’re going to stay with me, I might be clear,” he said. He cupped my face in his palms. Our eyes met which brought an eternal thrill to me. "I know I feel something deeper but I don't know." He doesn’t take the stares out of my eyes. "The first time I kissed you, I can't forget it. It made me feel weird."
I swallowed because of his face closer to me. I'm weak again. My chest is throbbing. "Let me kiss you, Jan," she said softly.
I don’t know why I didn’t refuse. Maybe I know that kiss isn't really long lasting and I'll only experience it once. I just closed my eyes when Mar's face approached me. Just a few seconds later I felt the application of his soft lips to my lips. Tears welled up in my eyes because despite the joy it brought, it was accompanied by pain.
Love every movement of Mar's lips. I reciprocated with every kiss he gave me. I wanted to make the most of that because I knew I would never feel that again.
His lips parted from mine, I bowed. I couldn't look at Mar anymore because I was hurt because I knew we weren't really destined. I wiped the tears from my eyes and without a word turned around and left Mar there.