"I'm really sorry, Ken, for what happened yesterday." I apologized to him when I saw him sitting on the bench in the plaza.
He turned to me. "It's nothing, Jan," he said.
I sat down next to him. I examined his face and saw the small wound on his lip. "OMG! Have you put medicine in the wound on your lip?" I asked worriedly.
He smiled for a moment. "It's a small wound, Jan you don't need to worry," he casually replied.
"But it's because of me why you got hurt, Ken. It's my fault," I said sadly.
His face was serious. "It's not your fault, Jan. If I hadn't told that to Mar we might not have fought."
I bow because no matter what he says, I still feel guilty. It's still my fault.
"You? How are you?" he asked. His forehead furrowed in the sunlight.
I looked up. "Didn't you say that It will not help If I lie about how I feel? I'm not okay, Ken. I'm confused by what's going on. I don't know what I should do," I confess.
"I understand you, Jan. I know Mar feels for you more than as a friend. I know you're important to him. He's jealous but he won't admit it. But what you know is good for you, do it."
"Why do you seem to suddenly change, Ken?" I asky. He’s not the Ken that was cheerful, he’s very different now.
"Different? What do you mean?" he wondered.
"I can see the sadness in your eyes. You don't seem okay," I commented.
"When did you become a fortune teller?" he said laughing but I couldn't really feel that.
"I'm serious, Ken, do you have a problem? Didn't you say hiding your true feelings won't help."
"Sometimes it doesn't really help, but sometimes it's better to just hide how we feel, especially when we know something will be affected," he said seriously.
My forehead furrowed. "Huh? Sometimes you're not understandable. So, what should I follow with what you said?" I said.
"We're different, Jan."
"How is it different?"
"That's the truth, we're different."
I just stared at him. "Hmm! Isn't that about that woman who grabbed your attention?" I guess. He just shrugged. "You know there are things that no matter how hard we try to get, we can't do it. You know why? There are two options, first maybe it's not time for you to get her and second, maybe you're not really the one for each other, "I explained.
"What should I believe in the two?"
"Ahm! God plan," I retorted. "Because there's nothing more than God's plan for us, Ken."
"All right, I'll take your advice," he said.
After we talked, we entered the classroom together. I even saw Mar there. He's looking at us while his eyebrows meet. I just ignored him.
-
I was just silent as I unfolded the book I picked up on the bookshelf. I have an assignment so I went to the library to work there. There are only a few people there so it's quiet.
"Busy?"
I quickly looked up at the man who spoke as my heart pounded. I was even slightly stunned by Mar who was sitting across from me.
"Y-you see, don't you?" I said rudely, then avoided looking at him.
"Can I watch you?" he asked.
"What, Mar? You see I'm busy, you can't help," I said irritably.
"Am I like that to you? Distraction?" she said sadly.
I sighed. "Mar, don't be immature," I said.
"I'm sorry, Jan if I disturbed you." He stood up and walked away.
I was left just staring at what he went through. I just messed up my hair because of annoyance. I suddenly felt guilt for what I was doing. I resented Mar for what I had never done to him before.
Because I lost focus on what I was doing, I stopped doing it. It doesn't matter if I have an assignment or not. I returned the book to the bookshelf and quickly arrange my belongings.
I ran to chase Mar. I immediately felt bad for what I had done to him and if I prolong it, I will only have a hard time. I ran while looking around.
I reached the plaza, I rolled my eyes but I could not see Mar. I went straight to the second floor to see if he was there but I made a mistake chasing him. I was still far from the classroom, I could see how Mar was close to our female classmate. I felt very jealous of the two.
My eyebrows met as I walked closer. I wanted to shout at them but when I got close, I couldn’t. "Need to flirt in the hallway?" I said, then my sharp eyes turned to Mar. He was just looking at me, seriously. I entered the classroom out of annoyance.
‘It was a big mistake of mine to even chase him.
-
After my class that day, I was left alone in the classroom. I said to Ken that he may go first because I was ashamed of him. He always takes me home. My parents also met him who was mistaken for thinking that he's my boyfriend. It's not new to them what gender I am. I was so lucky that my family accepted me despite society's judgment of someone like me. They taught me to be steadfast in the midst of people who have done nothing in life but to judge others.
"You're not going home yet, Jan?"
I ignored Mar speaking. I continued to organize my belongings.
"Why aren't you staring?"
I pushed him forward. "Ask yourself, Mar. Why are you still here? You just go there with the girl you're flirting with because you look like you're having so much fun with her, don't you?" I was irritatedly.
Mar was speechless, he was just looking at me. Soon he rubbed his forehead and laughed.
"Are you jealous, Jan?" he asked.
I was the one who was stunned. I bent down and averted my eyes from him. I couldn't control myself and forgot I was a friend and not a boyfriend.
"N-no. Why should I be jealous?"
"Because you love me," Mar said directly. "Be jealous, Jan. I want you to be jealous," he said more seriously.
I looked up at him. Our eyes met as if electricity was flowing there towards each other. My heart rumbled as if wanting to get out of its place.
I felt his hands on my chin. He barely approached me. "I don't know but every time I feel like you're jealous, my heart leaps with joy, Jan. I'm happy because I know your attention is mine. That you still love me. Am I bad if I want you to be jealous all the time?" Her eyes were pleading.
"Just to show me and make me feel that you're happy with those women even without me? That you can flirt face-to-face? Mar, are you numb? Don't you have feelings? Don't you know I'm hurting? That whenever you're happy with them, I get hurt. Then you're still so happy that I'm jealous? Damn, Mar!" I said with anger. I violently removed his hand from my chin. "You're glad I'm hurting, damn you!" I slapped his chest and quickly walked away.
Unbeknownst to me, tears were already dripping from my eyes. I was annoyed with Mar, he was too numb to tell me those things. I'm not a robot who feels nothing every time I see him with others and has so much fun. I was hurt and then he said he's happy when I get jealous! He's crazy and selfish. Ghad!
"Hey! Jan, hey!"
I just felt someone hold my arm so I stopped walking. "Are you okay? I've been calling you before but you don't seem to hear anything," Ken said.
I bent down and wiped the tears from my eyes. I don't want Ken to see me cry because for sure, he will worry about me again.
I smiled even though I knew it didn’t reach my eyes. "Ah! I'm sorry, Ken, school works are too working on my mind so I didn't notice you. Also, exams will be next week, I reasoned.
"That's why lately I've noticed you're too busy. Well, good luck with the exams but I hope you still don't forget to eat on time. And of course, always wear your smile, Jan. Just good vibes always," he reminded while smiling.
I smiled again. "I will, Ken," I said even though I wasn't sure if I could really do that. Too much has changed and I honestly haven’t adjusted myself very much to those changes.
I'm serious. "Why are you still here?" I thought he would come first.
He smiled. "I'm here for you," she said. "I don't want to leave you alone so I came back to take you."
I hope it's just Ken. I hope he came into my life a long time ago before Mar.