I feel like the distance between Mar and me is getting farther over the days and I’m having even more difficulty setting up the two of us. Even though I wanted to approach him and fix everything with us, I couldn’t because I felt like maybe he didn’t want to see me because I could see he was happy in the company of others even without me.
"I miss you so much, Jan."
I was so shocked when I felt a hard body hug me from behind and I know who he is. Even with my eyes closed I know who owns that voice and the perfume that he is the only one I know who has that scent.
“Mar, stop! Maybe someone will see us, just let me go,” I scolded him even though I knew we were at the far end of the library.
I feel embraced by different emotions that dominate the joy and tickle in my heart. If only that moment would never end.
“I won’t let you go, Jan. Please let me hug you like this,” he pleaded to me.
I didn't move and let him hug me because the truth is, I liked what he was doing. I want to feel his presence as if I haven't felt it in a year.
“Why are you here, Mar? I'm reviewing my lesson,” I reasoned. "Why don't you hug those girls who flirt with you?" I added with mixed annoyance.
“Why do I have a reason to approach you, Jan? So, do I always have a reason to be with you? But I want to be with you, to embrace you. I feel like you're too far away from me, Jan. I can't feel you anymore. We're so far away from each other and I'm afraid you might stay away from me forever," Mar said sadly and hugged me even more.
I was immediately silent. I looked at the book I was holding. I closed it and faced him. “You know the reason why we are like this now, Mar? Because too much has happened to us and it will be difficult to bring us back to where we came from.” I sigh. “And I know it's all my fault, Mar. It just started with me. Ever since I fell in love with you, everything has changed unexpectedly. I just realized that I was far away from you because I distanced myself from you because of fear that I might get hurt. That I might ruin the friendship we have. ”
"If we can't bring it back, let's make a new one, Jan." He broke away from hugging me and he faced me. “It's not your fault, Jan because I never thought of that. Would you believe me if I said I was so happy to know you loved me? I don't know why but that was how I felt. ”
I was speechless. I have nothing to say from what I have heard. It’s hard to believe but based on what I read in Mar’s eyes, I want to believe it. I wanted to jump because of joy because of what I found out.
“We don't have to go back to the past, Jan we can start again. Just the two of us. A relationship that's more than what we have now."
My mouth was half-open because of what he said. The sadness inside me is almost gone because of the joy. My chest almost jumped with happiness 'caused by what Mar said. Does he want more than a friend? I could see nothing but seriousness on his face. But why am I scared? Why I feel like it might not work.
"Are you sure this time, Mar?" I seriously asked. I don't want to try just because you're not sure.
He suddenly fell silent. He even avoided looking at me which suddenly changed how I felt. The joy disappeared and was replaced by frustration. “If you're not sure, just don't Mar. Don't try. ”
Just as I was about to turn around, he grabbed my arm to stop me from leaving. “Why don't you? Here I am, ready to try. I want to try. And I know everything will be clear to me when I try. Let's try,” he returned. "What don't you want, Jan?"
I smiled. “What do I not want? Everything, Mar. Everything! I don’t want to try. I don't want to try because that just means, it's just trying and I'm not sure if it will work after that or maybe I’ll just be left devastated. If for you it's easy to try, for me it's not Mar. It's hard, especially since I know I'm not sure if I'll be happy in the end. I'm afraid of being hurt, Mar. I'm scared. So don't offer me if it's for you, it is just trying. Ask me when you are sure. When you're sure of how you feel. ”
-
I know when it comes to love I should be business-minded too. That I have to take that risk if I want to be happy. That I also have to gamble if I want to be truly happy. But why can't I? The main fear is that if I gamble, I will be lost. I might eventually be left crushed. Alone. And maybe the relationship between Mar and me will disappear forever and I didn't want it to happen. I don't want that deep bond between the two of us to disappear just because I have feelings for him.
“I know you’re not okay. Tell me what happened, I'm willing to listen. ”
I am currently sitting on the bench in the plaza. I turned to Ken who had just arrived. His forehead furrowed as he looked at me. Worried.
I sigh as I play with my fingers. “Should someone gamble in love?” I seriously asked him.
Ken didn't say a word for a moment. “You know, Jan, we're always unsure. Even when we know someone loves us, we are still not sure that he or she will not hurt us. Even if you both feel the same way, it's still not sure that you will last. That's you until the very end. We are just sure, of what we feel but not what happens so everyone who enters a relationship, gambles. They dare to side with destiny. Holding on to those words, 'we love each other. I'm not sure but I have to gamble,” he said with a serious face. He even smiled that I don’t know why there was pain.
“Have you ever gambled on love, Ken? Have you tried what you are not sure about? ”
He shrugged. “I gamble now. I gamble with very little chance. That if I might stay by her side whenever she is sad and she needs someone to talk to, she can see me. I hope she also sees that I deserve to be given a chance to enter her heart. ”
I could feel Ken’s deep emotion that I didn’t know where it was coming from. I can feel his sadness. I turned to him, eyes pale. “Don't worry, Ken because when anyone sees what you do, they will see your value. That you deserve to be loved. You're a good guy, Ken and everyone will see that. And me, I see that. You deserve more than anything else you are asking for,” I said and rubbed his shoulder.
“I hope she thinks the same. But that seems vague, Jan because no matter what I do, I'm just a friend who is always there whenever she needs me. It's hard to notice, especially since she's already in the attention of others,” he added.
“Don't lose hope, Ken, for sure the time will come when she will see your value more than a friend. If you love her, fight for your love but if you know you are hurting too much and there is no hope, you should stop because there are things that even we want, much better to just let go because we know that we won't have them even if we tried,” I said seriously.
“Is that so? I will take your advice, Jan." He still smiled even though it was sad.
Ken is a very kind man and I see no reason for a woman to reject him. He already has almost all the qualities that a woman or even a gay man like me would look for. If my heart was empty, I might have fallen for him.