The depiction of time as an interloping of threads was just too accurate. An interloping of regrets and missed chances. Short bursts of happiness and overwhelming sadness and most importantly, the things we wish to have a second chance with.
I raised my head to look at Luke who was quietly sitting in the car with me. After helping me get rid of the initial sadness, he had helped me into the car, then drove away from Kate's house.
There, he sat in silence and let me just cry as the second wave of sadness hit me. The thing with Bernice didn't hurt half as much as the realization. The realization that there was so much I could have overlooked and forgotten like this one, manipulated my memory into thinking it just happened with no fault of mine, and moved on with my life.
I was once a bubbly person with pink all around her, but then I grew...not necessarily into the world, but further into a shell. The person that had been with Luke hadn't been my true self either.
"Can you tell me something, Luke?" I asked, trying to make my voice audible through the cracks.
"Go on, Karla."
"Do you have any regrets?"
He seemed to think for a while. "Don't we all?"
I sniffed and laid my head back on the head rest as I stared at the night sky through the open roof. It was a full moon, heavily starry kind of sky, and it just brought me closer to tears.
"But, you know having regrets is good for us, right?"
I sniffed. "What do you mean?"
"Well," he said, turning his body toward me. "When you have regrets...about the past, you can let it shape you into a better person for the future. If it's someone you let go of, or some opportunity you missed, you could learn to hold on tight the next time. You learn. That is the baseline. If you have no regrets, you wouldn't learn. As the lessons settle in you, the regrets naturally take flight."
I nodded, my tears now slower. "How are you so mature? I mean, I could never. I let my pride get in the way and..." I let my voice trail off, then shrugged the remaining detail away.
He chuckled and lay his head back too, his sigh a little satisfied.
"I have regrets too, you know."
"Like what?"
"I never did get to cook you dinner."
That was when I remembered. "Today...I ruined your birthday."
He started to laugh. "No, Karla. I forgot to cook you dinner. Does your eye sting? You cried a lot."
I was about to nod when my phone beeped. Expecting Bernice, I checked the message hurriedly. It wasn't Bernice, but my mom.
"Can you come see me, Karla? I miss you."
I kept the phone and leaned back. I bet it was just one of her episodes again. Always wanting someone to listen to her rant about things that don't even matter.
I sat up, realization hitting me like a truck for the second time today. I remember having this exact train of thoughts. Like deja vu but this time, I actually went through this. I had thought she was being paranoid again, and I refused to see her.
"Do you need to go somewhere?" Luke suddenly asked, bringing me back to reality.
"How do you know?"
He laughed and wound up our glasses, then helped me put on the seatbelt. "I'll drive." He said with a satisfied chuckle and I smiled gratefully.
"I feel like I need to pay you for your driving services today."
He laughed. "Then dinner with me?"
"That isn't even payment. You are paying for me to eat."
"Exactly. So my payment for today is you allowing me to pay for you to eat. Nicely put, right?"
I laughed and nodded.
"Where to?" He asked.
"My parents' house." It was a place I didn't even bother going to after I moved out. "Do you know it?"
"I have been there once or twice with mom and dad. On the sundays when they have tea. I stopped going later when, you know. Beats me how I have never seen you."
"I spent most of my time at Kate's house," I said indicating with my hands where we had just left. "And after moving out, I just never visited. I was always closer to my dad than to my mom and he always dropped by to see me."
He nodded and we fell into comfortable silence. The night breeze was refreshing on my face although it stung a little around my eyes. I leaned back, closing my eyes to give them a break, and before I knew it, I actually fell asleep.
I woke up when the familiar humming of the car engine stopped. I opened my eyes slowly, the sting piercing through my swollen eyes. We were in front of a pharmacy, and Luke went out and promptly came back with an ice pack.
"Let me help you with this. We don't want your parents getting worried."
I watched him, a little distracted. I was getting too accustomed to this Luke. I studied his face slowly, taking in the tiny details as he put my seat down so I was half lying on it, then he dabbed the under of my eyes with some cotton swabs before pressing the ice pack to it.
"Thanks." I said, a little tense.
"Don't mention it."
We got to my home and I got down, but he stayed put in the car.
"I am fine now, you can go."
"I am sure you are going back to your home, so I will stay here and make sure you get there safe and sound." He said it like a promise and I took him up on it. To be honest, I was already used to trusting Luke on whatever he says.
Maybe I was treating him with the familiarity of someone I was married to, but that didn't even make sense considering the kind of relationship we used to have.
The house was quiet, like there was no one inside. Just bright lights and elegant furnitures, huge family photos that did nothing to warm the coldness embedded in the walls, or bring back the spaces we left from us drifting apart.
"Mum?" I said as I made my way to the living room. She was sitting in front of one of the up to down windows, staring outside. Her hair flowed down to her back, but she looked nothing like herself. More like a ghost was occupying my mom's place.
She slowly turned, her eyes filling up immediately she saw me. "You came to see me, Karla?" She looked hopeful, because I always just saw dad and dropped by to her. I never made an effort for her, and I thought she was too paranoid and sensitive.
"Yes, mom." I said, walking towards her, hoping to at least please her this one time. "I missed you too."