I've always known that I don't have a good personality.
These days, I'm no longer excited about things. It's just that I'm tired all the time. But who isn't? People are always tired. But then again, we're just too good at hiding the pain away. Because I have to show up and act like everything's fine. Or at least, act as if life is better than it actually is. When the truth is, it was suffocating. It was boring. I wonder when did I lost myself. When did I lose... the boy who used to be happy... the boy who used to enjoy playing in the rain... Ah, I remember now. It was that day.
The rainy day where he decided to kill himself
"Are you sure you want to live alone?"
My mother asked me as I don't understand why she kept asking the same thing. It was annoying how I had to keep replaying the same answers just to let my mother know. I mean, what is she worried about?
"Make sure to visit us often."
She added, I don't really know how to respond to that. Since the reason I'm leaving this place from the start is that I don't want to be with them or near them. Seeing them live their lives without regrets makes me drown in misery.
"Sure."
I never really went back home after that. My mother sometimes called me and asked me when I would go home, but I never really said anything to her about me coming home or whatever. It's just too much. I hated the thought of going back home so much that I resented it.
"Are you going to join us for dinner?"
Simon was my childhood friend. He was my first friend that I had in middle school. He was the only family left that I actually cared for. He was there when I was losing myself. He was my savior.
"Nope. You guys go ahead with your date."
I replied to him, smirking as he rolled his eyes in annoyance. While his boyfriend, Thomas, He was also a great friend of mine. Simon and I became his friend when we started high school. Since then, we have been inseparable. Of course, it was quite shocking at first to know that they liked each other, that they started to date. To be in a relationship that I thought only worked for a girl and a boy. But after seeing them together, despite being of the same gender, I don't really think that relationships are based on gender alone. That was fucking absurd. It just so happens that they're both guys. I don't feel disgusted by that at all.
"Are you going to the club later then? Everyone asks about you. You've been M.I.A for a week now."
Thomas sighs in disbelief as I can't help but smile at their behavior. They really did look alike, even their actions were the same.
"I'm going. See you there."
It wasn't really a lie since I did miss seeing the others. When I'm with them, there is never a dull moment. With them around, life has become a little more enjoyable. Although it was tiring sometimes. I just don't want to be alone. It was suffocating to be in a room alone, without any comfort at all.
"Why are you breaking up with me?"
It was annoying. I find them very annoying. What the fuck do they want from me? I hated it when they started to act clingy, possessive, and jealous. It's really troubling me. Especially with the way they're talking, it makes my head hurt when they speak in that high pitched voice. It was fucking disturbing my peace.
"Why are you so heartless?"
It never used to bother me, but I kept hearing that over and over and over and it got so, so irritating. And little by little, I came to hate it. I hate how I can't understand what part of me is so heartless. Between me and that guy, how am I heartless? It was him who should be blamed. He was heartless. He left me when he was the only place I could call home.
He was heartless. He decided to leave me behind.
The first emotion I remember feeling was hatred. I hated him for doing that. I hated him for leaving. I hated him for not saying anything. I hated that he acted like he was fine when the truth is, he was suffering from deep within. I hated how he never thought about my feelings. I hated that he was gone.
I hated myself for how I could never help him.
I hated myself that I wasn't there. I resent myself for living this life just to suffer. I remained stuck in the same place because I could still see that memory very clearly. Those nightmares are keeping me awake every night. The way he cried in silence, he said that he was fine, that he was happy. But I know him better than anyone else because he's my older brother!
Why did you decide to leave me alone?
I hated that every time I closed my eyes, I could see him crying. Yet, he didn't say anything. He doesn't want to be helped. He doesn't tell me anything.
Just what is wrong with you?
"Are you okay?"
I was caught up in my emotions. It has been a while since these feelings came back to me. Every time this happened, I hated it so much I could never understand why. I'm glad that someone woke me up from this nightmare.
"Isn't that your friend?"
I wasn't surprised to see Simon and Thomas. What surprised me the most was that weird girl, who seemed to be listening to their conversation. I don't understand why I feel angry at seeing her. For some reason, seeing her do that makes me boil in anger. Just what if she decided to tell everyone about Simon and Thomas's relationship? What would happen to them then? I could never wish for that to happen. When I told her off, she was frustrated. And was probably a little annoyed since she was glaring at me. That was a first for me. It was funny to see her look so troubled and confused at the same time.
Her name is Mia.
I find her quite interesting. She has a lot of expressions on her face that it makes me confused. How the fuck is she doing all that? How can she feel those kinds of emotions for her to make that kind of face? I could never understand.
I find her interesting. But I also thought that she was annoying. She irritates me so much that I can't control what I'm doing sometimes. I know I don't have a good impression on her since I might have hurt her... I think. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me for grabbing her neck like that. I feel like I'm losing my mind. The thought of her babbling about Simon and Thomas's relationship made me go ballistic. I never got the chance to apologise to her, but it seems like destiny wanted us to meet again.
She told me to forget about it.
It was quite surprising since she looked so terrified that night. I wonder what made her change her mind? And I also don't understand why I asked her to come to my house when I don't really want anyone in my house. It's just weird. The look on her face is refreshing. She looks at me as if I have saved her life. It was exciting.
I never said that I wouldn't devour her.
In fact, she looks so naíve that I can't help myself. It was fun seeing her cheeks flushed pink. It was exciting to feel her squirming under me. It was nice to have her around. But for some reason, my heart aches when I'm with her. No matter how much I touch her, it is nowhere near enough. It feels like something is still missing, yet I don't know what it is. I want to treat her tenderly, but at the same time, I feel like I could just ruin her. I wanted to see her cry. I wanted her to helplessly call my name, under me, touching me. And because she never objects to any of this, I keep wanting to touch her more.
I keep wanting to see what kind of face she would make if I did more than a kiss...
Is she going to run away?
Is she going to cry?
Just the thought of it excites me.
"I'm going to move out next month. Just to let you know... And I'm going to pay the rent at the end of the month, so please be a little patient."
I did think this day would come, but this soon? I don't know why, but hearing her say that It makes me angry. It makes me confused. She makes me curious.
Are you going to leave me too?
Just the thought of it makes me lose my mind. I don't understand why I feel this way when we barely know each other. I never even felt this way towards the girls that I used to date. So why?
What makes her so different?
Does her presence remind me of my brother?
I never understood why.
But the way she lies under me, not pushing me away as I tightened the grip of my finger on her neck, is making me confused. Why are you not pushing me away? Why are you not doing anything? Why didn't you scream at me? Why are you not saying anything?
"Don't go."
But for that reason, It was hard for me to let her go. I don't understand what this bullshit is. I don't even want this kind of situation to happen in the first place.
What is happening to me?
I felt like my heart was full for the first time in a while, but now that she decided to leave...
How am I supposed to cope with this?
I hate this so much.
I hate that I have these kinds of emotions.