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* There's no fear in love. *
****
------ Mira. ------
By the time I woke back up... It was already evening...
The sun having gone down could attest to this fact.
I was about to rise up from the bed myself when I felt a hands on my back... Assisting me.
" Careful... " That voice will and will always be like the sweetest music to my ears.
He placed a cushion on my back and made me rest on it.
" Jose. " I called out seeing him about to head back to his seats silently.
" Yes... Mira. " He turned to me with a small smile.
Though not really obvious, I could sense the distance in his voice.
Unlike girls... Guys naturally tend to keep their feelings to themselves.
And due to the fact that they are more stable and also expected to always be strong and headstrong... They tend to be very secretive and also appear emotionless.
Perhaps this is why some people believe men don't cry.
But the truth is, they really do.
The ones that don't cry are those that haven't faced situations that bring tears to their eyes.
Though it's said that some guys are more naturally open to their female best friend with whom they feel comfortable with.
But when the relationship progresses from Besties to lovers... They tend to shut themselves out as they believe they have to be strong for the both of them.
And seeing this, Mira thought it to be the case.
" Jose... " I motioned for him to come over and when he did, I held his hands in mine as I stared straight at him.
We were quiet for some minutes as we simply stared at each other.
Until I decided to break the silence with my next words. " Am sorry... "
I guess my words really shocked him as I felt his change in countenance... Though it wasn't really obvious.
But perhaps because I was paying so much attention to him... I sensed it.
Silence resigned between the two of us for another set of minutes... And just when I was getting uncomfortable with the silence...
Joseph moved and embraced me all of a sudden completely catching me off guard.
Unlike other times he embraced me... His hugging this time was rather tight.
" Am sorry, Mira... I failed both as a best friend and a boy friend. " Feeling his tear drop on my shoulders... I felt stirred up.
Joseph is crying?
Like he's really crying.
For another set of minutes I simply just stayed there and allowed him wet my shirt with his tears.
" I should have been more sensitive to your feelings. "
Sensitive? I couldn't help but wonder what he was talking about.
Still... I kept silent, as much as I wanted to speak.
I realized I needed to give him space to express himself as it's not everyday he does that.
" Mira... I am sorry, I shouldn't have made you feel dumb and totally dependent on me. "
His words got me thinking a bit.
Dependent?
Well... I won't deny that most times I feel completely dependent on him and it really sucks as it makes me feel like a parasite who is only interested in sucking all his blood.
And most times... I even feel like a burden to him... Like a heavy weight on his shoulders.
I really hated it! I must say.
Often times, I also feel not good enough... Especially as a best friend and girlfriend.
Other girls are keeping their selves busy doing one thing or the other to keep themselves stable financially.
But I?
Ever since I had quit my job in that restaurant... I lost interest in outside job.
As all I want to do all day is write.
I know it sounds really crazy...
But that's just what I want to do all day.
Writing is everything to me... And I just wanna keep writing.
During this short holiday... I have been thinking a whole lot about my life , future career and writing.
I keep wondering if I should go into writing exclusively since I love it so much.
But... At the Same time I felt I can't depend completely on writing as I also need a stable career to fall back on if writing doesn't go as planned.
I know... My gifts will always make ways for me... But what if it doesn't?
What if there's a stumbling block and a blockage?
What would I do then?
And the saddest part is that currently I am facing one of those stumbling blocks that's questioning my writing skills.
I have been facing lots of disappointments lately and it's really making my motivation go down...
Don't really know how to share all of this with my friends... Including Joseph.
I didn't want them to worry too much about me.
But I guess that's not really the true reason why I decided to keep this to myself.
Well...the truth is, I don't want them to feel like I can't do anything just right!
Though I know they care a lot about me and love me.
Still... I can't help it... Like I really can't.
For some reason, I felt like I shouldn't be too transparent to them...
I wanted to at least have some things... I can call secrets.
Well... As much as it sucks... I felt like I needed to keep that a secret.
At current, I'd say I need a lot of support for my writing as my motivation and inspiration are going down the drain.
Perhaps it's because I am writing something different from the rest of those popular writer's so my earnings aren't stable.
I know I am doing the right thing by sticking to my genre... But why does it feel so wrong?
Why does it feel so lonely writing what I really want to? And not what I am expected to?
I wished I had lots of supports and love from my friends..
But well... Since my friends have been super busy and I believe I ought to too...
I decided not to trouble them with my issues as they've got more than enough to deal with already.
Or so it seems.
" Babe... I am really sorry. I should have shown you my full support and not have covered it up in the name of being busy. "
I sighed still not knowing to say.
Indeed... I have been feeling a bit insecure as, Joseph has been overly busy during the past few days...
And well... Despite how much I craved his company, I felt I shouldn't disturb him... Not even with my calls.
As I felt... He's doing the right thing by being busy... Working.
While I on the other hand... Does nothing but spend my time in my room and on my bed... All the name of writing.
And it really sucks.
Sometimes... I wish I was doing more...
But wouldn't I be putting my health and emotional state at stake in the name of doing more?
Or perhaps... I am just giving excuses as always...
And I must say, it really sucks...
Like seriously it does!
Just wishing there was a way out of this.
But well... If wishes were horses, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
Or would I?
....
A/N : What do you think, guys? Can you finally sense the similarities between, Mira and Kathy's thoughts?