'That's the point. You never considered how I may feel! Normally, when a girlfriend says she is pregnant, her boyfriend asks-how does she feel? Is she happy? Does she want this baby?... you know the basic things. But do not place surveillance on her as if she is a fugitive. Who does that? You always canter to what I may want without consulting me, yet never wait and think what I may need, Raphael?'
'You are being unreasonable Erica. I explained to you the circumstances and the delicacy the situation warranted'
'No! You had your turn, now you listen to me. This relationship', I swallowed the lump that formed on what I was about to say, 'this...whatever we are having is not how a relationship works. There must be a give and take. There must be dates, talking...not soulful silences, sharing each other's feelings, emotions, fear's, hobbies, musical tastes, not to forget the past(like have any more surprise family who wants to kill me?) late night calls where you sleep listening to the other's voice, watching a movie together on a couch, sharing a bucket of popcorn, making food for each other, asking a normal question at the end of the day when you get home tired by saying- 'how was your day?', having breakfast in bed, going on a vacation as a couple, sending naughty chats in the middle of the day, living together...'
I got carried away with my fantasy of what a relationship should be. I sighed and said, 'it may sound frivolous to you, but a girl craves such things, even though she may look all tough on the outside. We never get the chance to experience any of those things. Yes, you tried calling when you were on a vacation, but, that's it, when you returned, you put more distance between us. I have to mentally fight with you to let me in and I'm tired. I may be physically strong but I'm tired of banging my head on your impenetrable mental wall. Don't you see it? Your silence almost cost us our baby's life. Just think what could have happened to him, if they have known about it? Hell, even the beatings I took could have done possible damage internally. We could have lost this child, no thanks to you. Yet, you behave as if everything is normal. Our baby, Raphael. It is not a light matter.'
'I'm not blaming you for the kidnap, no one can predict it, but I'm blaming you for putting our baby's life in danger. You don't know the loss of the happiness that you may gain when you get what you desired. Why would you? Because you don't dwell on things...when you want something, you make it happen. Well, this time you will get to experience the loss for a change. I need a stress-free life and staying with you is like walking on a minefield constantly watching my back for unexpected bombs from the people you are surrounded with. Yes, I'm being unreasonable, but I have to be. For the sake of my baby and my mental health, I need to put some distance between us'.
'Are you finished? Do you think was it easy for me to watch you at gunpoint, beaten and bruised? Knowing if I was a second late you would be dead?
Knowing I could have lost you? How could you think I would have taken our baby so lightly? It's our baby Erica. My son or daughter. My blood. Once I learned that you are going to have my baby, I felt like I have given a second chance to you. I wouldn't let anything happen to you, both of you. As you said, I was thinking about you. About your mental stress. However, I now see it's wrong.
It only alienated you from me more. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to go through all that alone. I'm sorry you never get to experience any of those things. I'm sorry for all the bad experiences you faced because of my unwillingness to share. Thinking about you getting beaten while pregnant, god, you don't know what torture that was...I'm sorry. I was guarding my heart too tightly to let you in, and I may have unintentionally hurt you with that.'
'My past...since I was a child it was how I kept my sanity, from getting hurt by the people who were supposed to protect me. I knew only that way of surviving. To project a cynical self of me. I'm sorry Erica. For putting you in that category. You see, trust... trust didn't come easy to me. Getting hurt since you are a child does that to oneself. When I realized how much you meant to me, how beautiful you are from the inside, I tried to open up, to be more rational... I was willing to confess everything that night.
And then you found the file... and it all went downhill from there onwards. No more hiding behind the wall. Erica I... I love you. Give us a chance', he confessed, remorse filling his voice, he kneeled before me with his hands on my thighs, all his arrogance gone. This conversation was not easy for him, yet he tried. He opened. I mentally hardened myself before saying what I have to say that may break his heart.
'Raphael...it's...too little, too late. Your confession... I'm sorry, but why now? When I'm finally cutting ties. By saying it now, yet again you are trying to manipulate me. I'm done thinking about how you will feel, from now on I'm concentrating on myself. You see, you broke my trust. You made me like you, who won't trust easily. I'm sorry too, Raphael. But I couldn't do this anymore', with that I removed his hands from my person and left him there, kneeling on the floor. It was the hardest thing to do. I gained points in attaining my self-respect, but I lost something more important that day.