A Very Particular Set of Skills
“Talk.” Hanni spoke, watching me from her bed, back against the wall.
I headed straight for our quarters as soon as I left Jakeli’s room. The plan was to clean up, pack and be ready for the following morning’s departure. There wasn’t much to pack so I wasted time sorting out the sheets of parchment while my head kept going back to the prince’s room every time I thought of a new thing to say. Thankfully, the children were still undergoing instructions so Jibel didn’t have to see me in my foul mood.
Hanni was not one to pry. She could spend a whole day just sitting where she was and not say a word. She could hardly be bothered for anything except what she wanted to do. Even at my fuming state, I could see that. She didn’t ask, or demand, out of curiosity. It was the second time she asked me to, and much like the first, it was not for her benefit.
“It’s not funny, if that’s what you’re wanting to hear.” I answered, my back turned to her.
“It is funny. For all the things going in your head, are you telling me you have not considered this would happen?”
I did not. I turned and stared at her.
How long have you been thinking about this?
“I didn’t. It was not part of the agreement.”
“It wasn’t an agreement Jorj. You volunteered to help because the driver was going to have himself killed.”
“And now he can go and do it. I tried, they liked what I had to say. If they chose to ignore it, it’s on them. Why did you find it funny in the first place?” I asked, reversing the flow of conversation.
“Because it was likely. It’s what people do Jorj. Either you came up with something that wouldn’t make a difference, or you came up with something that made all the difference, in such a case they would ask for more. People always do.”
“Well, now they can either choose to do it or not. I’ve done my part, that’s what I promised to do. That should be enough.”
“What did they offer you in exchange?”
“Doesn’t matter, I’m not taking it. We’re going tomorrow. We should have gone days ago. Staying was the wrong decision to make.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“Everything Hanni, they offered me everything. Anything I wanted in exchange for doing what they wanted me to do.”
Although her face didn’t betray anything, the short silence that ensued after while she stared at me told me she was considering my answer.
“You are strange. You continue to be strange.” She finally spoke. “While anyone in these lands would be willing to die to get within a finger’s breadth where you are right now, you choose to turn your back on it. They give it to you all wrapped up, sealed in a chest made of ilem and you say no. Why Jorj?”
“Because I don’t want it.”
“That is not an answer. Tell me why.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It clearly does.”
“It wouldn’t change anything.” I continued to evade.
“So tell me then.”
Damnit woman!
“Is this part of your conditions? Is this entertaining to you?”
“Perhaps.” She answered without hesitation.
Had it been anyone else who said that word I would have dismissed it. The woman I was conversing with who appeared to only deal in yeses and no’s, blacks and whites, was another matter. Hanni was giving me a chance to convince her. That in itself was not a good sign.
“Will you still choose to stay if you learned the truth?”
“I stay because I choose to. If I leave, it will also be because I chose to.”
Could you please make it vaguer?
“You chide me for not answering your question but you’re doing the same.”
“And you still have not answered.” She returned.
“Fine.” I conceded.
I started slow. Many words did not translate well so I had to speak in metaphors. Speaking about my experiences, I noticed a pang of emotions, several in fact. Curiously, it didn’t sting as much, talking about my past life, not even when I remembered my family. It all had a certain tinge of emotion and color to it. Like the sepia tones in old photographs, it just felt nostalgic.
Hanni listened intently, only asking enough questions to make the whole thing feel like a conversation. Most of the time she just nodded. Whenever her eyes widened, or an eyebrow raised, it was a signal that my comparisons or descriptions needed elaboration. By the end of my recounting, she was wholly unimpressed.
“It is foolish to feel that way because of a dream.”
“We both know it’s not just a dream. It’s a whole life lived, with plenty of dreaming involved. No dream is like that.”
“And here you are, awake. It is a dream.”
“Let’s say you live up to eighty years, then you die. That should be your life, right? You wouldn’t know any better. Suppose that all was a dream. Would you say it wasn’t if you didn’t know?”
“You’re talking in circles Jorj.”
“That’s the whole point of this. You wouldn’t know because for you, that was the life you lived. It started, it ended. You existed, then you didn’t. Up to your last breath, you know that was a life, your life. I felt real. Now consider what happened to me happens to you. You wake up in another world with all those memories stuck in your head but none of the world you are in, which one is the dream now?”
“I understand what you’re trying to tell me but it doesn’t change what I said. It is foolish.”
Talking to Hanni about my past experiences had a calming effect. It was as if all the worries, tension, and fears slowly whittled away as I related the reasons why I was against the notion the royal cousins proposed. Her last, statement however, was starting to rile me up.
“How is it foolish? I just counted all the reasons why it is not good for me, or anyone else, that I be given something closely resembling authority.”
“Lam Jorj, you told me all the mistakes you have done and how you tried correcting them, how you shied away form such stations because of your fears. What you’ve only succeeded in telling me is that you do not believe yourself capable of doing better because you are afraid of what you might do. Dream or no dream that’s what it is – fear.”
“Hanni I... it’s not the same, can’t you see that? It wasn’t even close to this and I… I succumbed. I forgot about other people, conveniently! For what? So I had more to eat? A bigger house? Buy more useless stuff? I don’t dwell on it much, I didn’t then too, but it is entirely possible I’ve ruined lives. Lives, Hanni!”
“All I hear are excuses Jorj. You did things because it was convenient. You erred and though it was late, you regretted it. Do you really think yourself that weak? That you would not be able to recognize things that brought you shame as you’re about to do them?”
Woman, whose side are you on?
“What are you really saying, Hanni?”
“I’m saying you’re being an idiot, as you put it.”
“So, you’re not saying I should be accepting what they’re offering?” I tested.
“Hardly important, though it would not be the worst idea. You are giving yourself a handicap because of things that are in your control. That does not make any sense.”
“Not the worst idea?”
“That is all you heard? From what I said, that is all you heard?”
“Well, yeah,” I replied, shrugging, “that’s what we are discussing isn’t it?”
She stared at me for a while then rolled her eyes. I have seen her explode in a fight, I have heard her deliver the most scathing remark as if it was normal to say them, I have heard her scream, and I’ve suffered her questioning stares. But never an eye roll.
Tread carefully…
Hanni let out an audible exhale then slightly turned her head as if she was about to shake it but decided not to.
“It’s not the worst for one reason – you are being asked to do it. There are many people who think they can do good, I’ve met some of them, but rarely do they stand up to their promises. You have good intentions, your suggestions seem to be well received, and still you doubt yourself. All good traits.”
“Doubting only spells trouble in this case.”
“I would rather be with a person who doubts himself than one who does not.”
Be?
“I think I understand that part, but going to enemy territory for months? Years? I have children to care for now. It’s not just me anymore.”
“Again, excuses Jorj. You can do both and you know it. You shrink away because you are afraid but what’s the other side of this argument?”
“That I go and lose.”
“Or you win. You get what you want. Tell me, in this dream life of yours, did you really get what you wanted?”
“For a time.”
“Was that really what you wanted or were they all distractions?”
I paused to consider her question. I didn’t like where it was going.
“Distractions.” I admitted.
“And how long did you spend, trying to get what you wanted?”
“That’s hardly a comparison. The worlds are different! The ru-”
“How long Jorj?” She interrupted.
“Almost twenty years.”
“And this thing they offer would take how long?”
“A year, at least.”
She shot me a raised eyebrow as if to drive the point of my own answer home first, then spoke.
“You see now?”
“It’s not the same.” I replied, looking down.
“Perhaps, but you don’t live in your dream anymore. Nothing is certain but from what you have told me, Silaron might or might not last. If it lasts, it’s going to be poor, and people are going to suffer. If it doesn’t, it will be the same but sooner. This will be true even if they follow your advice.”
“They will follow it, with or without me. I make little difference.”
“That is also true. You are just one man after all, but seeing that you’ve pushed them this far, that little of a difference might be the only thing that stops anything worse from happening. For a while.”
“For a while doesn’t sound enticing.” I said, picking my arguments.
“Indeed it doesn’t, but I would rather give up after going far into something than sit and wonder what I could have changed after all chances to do so has passed.”
It was my time to stare. Hanni didn’t like what ifs, nor did I. It was clear that she had given more than just a thought since I told her all the particulars. While I was just focused on a solution in order to stop Litoc’s descent into suicide, Hanni had been considering all the details from every angle and what the probable outcomes might be.
I was tunnel visioned. That was my biggest mistake. I failed to factor in how my hastily put-together plan was going to make Jakeli or Litoc react and only hoped they would accept it. I failed to see how, if ever this plan was accepted, it would make them thirst for more, given that I’ve already provided one. Most of all, I failed to plan for the long term.
My past experiences have taught me not to go high up in the ladder if I wanted peace of mind. Having tasted it, I focused only on keeping it, defending the right to keep it. My statement was true and without exaggeration – now that they accepted what I gave, any further contributions I might have will mean very little towards the execution and the eventual outcome. That small part, however, including Litoc’s and Jakeli’s fear of information leaking out, can mean the difference between success and failure.
“You want me to take their offer.” I stated.
“Take it, don’t take it. It doesn’t mean much to me.”
“What’s the point of this conversation then?” I snapped back, unable to hide my annoyance.
“The point was to make certain you were not deciding from a place of fear, or ignorance. Or selfishness, let us not forget that one because you are being selfish too, aren’t you?”
“What? Am I supposed to think of the greater good now? Make everybody happy?”
“There will be a losing side. Securing Silaron means Khevernak is taken down, if only by a few steps. That would make for a very unhappy Khevernaki kingdom, from the king to the common person. If you succeed in bringing that kingdom to heel, you destroy its people. The best outcome, for the people on both sides, is for nothing to happen. We know that is not going to be the case. One swallows the other.”
“What’s that have to do with being selfish?”
“If you have to be selfish, be sure it’s for the right reasons. Like it or not, you already picked a side. If people have to suffer, wouldn’t it be better if it’s not your people?”
“So you do want me to take that post. Either that or I’m still confused.”
“I don’t. I’m just making certain you are deciding for the correct reasons. It would be interesting to see how you would live that life, however.”
Make up your mind, would you?
“I chose one or the other, would you still be with me?”
“Be might not be the right word but I would still come, if only to see how it turns out.”
“If I choose what the prince offered, it could take upwards of three years. Are you saying you will still be around by then?”
“I might be, I might not, but ever you get too big for your trousers, I will come and cut your legs from under you.”
“Shuf! Very inspiring words.”
“Let’s face it Jorj, you can have almost anyone in these lands, not only in this kingdom, bow to your will. You possess a knowledge no one here even dreamt about. You are thiuram, in a way, and it will only take a few mistakes, a few things overlooked, before you overstep.”
“And you will be there to teach me a lesson?”
“I will take your life if I have to, that is truth. So, if that is all the basis of your fears Jorj, forget them, banish them. You will never become the person you fear you’d become.”
“That sounds like a threat.”
“It is, and I will make good on it.”
“I know of many ways to hide, you know. I doubt you can catch me if I really wanted to.” I said, downplaying the chills running down my spine.
“Unless you disappear into this other world you speak of, you cannot run from me Jorj. While you breath, I will always find you, remember that. Rethink and revisit your decision, I come with you regardless.”
She scooted over to the edge of the bed, stood up, swept the two braids to her back and headed for the door. It was one of the traits Hanni had - if she meant it you felt it, and I felt threatened to my core. I brushed the beginnings of a cold sweat away from my forehead as I replayed our conversation.
“And if I am still present when you begin to make those errors, I will take pleasure in knocking you around until you realize them.” She added with a mischievous expression before disappearing.
Bryan Mills? Is that you?