The Things I Do For Naught
Year of the Golden Gilled Boar, 1983, Veeratha, Heiar 7th
My late return might have been the clue. Either that or the way I gave the room one look and plopped down on my bed. In any case, Hanni called it. I take it we’re not going, she said. I grunted and closed my eyes.
Thankfully, Jibel was already asleep. Besien too. They added a bed next to the wall where the chests were. I wondered where she had been the whole day and briefly complained in my head. If I was a lord, my guests should be treated like nobles too, not dumped in the same room as I was.
That was the last thought I remember having. I woke up to the sounds of rustling and pacing. I subtly opened one eye to see what it was or who it was but aside from noticing Hanni’s bed vacant, I was not afforded a view of whoever it was that was making the sounds. So, I reluctantly got up.
“Ora! Subilan san.” Besien greeted.
“Morning.” I returned. “What are you up to?”
“Oh, I was just trying to make up my bed but the damn covers won’t exactly fit. I think it’s skewed. You should eat ora, I prepared some portions for you after they left. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be calling you ora. I’m told you a-”
“Besien?” I interrupted.
“Yes Lord.”
“Slow down.” I motioned for her to sit across me at the table between my bed and Hanni’s. “Call me ora, or by my name, both are fine. You are never to call me lord.”
“But, I… abrak. This is all confusing. I don’t know how-”
“Besien? We’re friends. Treat us like you did the time you met us.”
“But I cannot!” She exclaimed. “You are nobles! You live in the castle! You sit in the same table as the King! The future king, that is. But he is King, or will be, and you are in his company that makes you …”
I let her speak and give voice to her thoughts while I zoned out and pined at what is probably a big miscalculation. In my scheming, in my attempt to soften Litoc and sway him from his notion of revenge, I thought of Besien. Using Besien. It was, for the most part, probably a big contribution to Litoc being open to my suggestions.
And that was the problem. I used Besien. What was to come to her next? I had the vaguest notion. I did plan to take her with us back to Osea. Sitting in front of her, listening to her verbally fidget, overwhelmed, and out of her element, I began to severely criticize my actions. I had no idea how to deal with someone dealing with trauma, least of all, the kind of trauma this girl went through.
This shit again. Goddammit Ruben!
“… and ora Litoc, he is always so kind. I could never repay him for what he did for me, and all of you. And now I know why! Oh, but this is all so… I don’t know I-”
“Slow down Besien, and don’t worry, you’ve already repaid your debt ten times over when you agreed to come here.”
“I don’t see how my coming will… Lord Jorj please, eat your breakfast. I will go ask for more if-”
Contrary to the brave façade she put on in Itrip, the girl in front of me was cracking. Pulling her out of familiar grounds and planting her right into an alien territory, with questions to boot, was not a good move.
I’ve gone through the kind of emotions I was going through at that moment but I don’t believe I’ve ever hated myself as strongly as I did as I watched her eyes dart wildly about.
Jesus fucking Christ Ruben! You should have known better!
“Besien, if you insist on calling me a lord, do you also promise to follow everything I say? Exactly as I say?”
“Of course, Lord! There is nothing you could ask that I will not do. Or do my best to do. But I will do it. Of course!”
“Then my very first order is for you to stop calling me, us, lords.”
“But…”
“And if you can promise me that, I will tell you exactly why you are here. What do you say?”
“I… I promise. Ora.” She answered after a short silence.
“San. I promise to tell you everything, if you promise to keep it a secret.”
She nodded eagerly, despite looking conflicted. I began with the truth about us, slowly pacing my words in an effort to influence her fidgety manner. I observed her facial expressions as I related the details and noted her mannerisms. Her right cheek, where a visible horizontal scar was, twitched in times where an exclamation or any sort of reaction was warranted. The incessant movement of her upper arms told me she was fussing with her hands under the table. She listened intently to every word, her dark, brown eyes providing the only indication that she was absorbing what she was hearing. Towards the end, ever there was a picture of person whose mind was about to blow up, it was Besien.
“… and that’s why you’re here. I intended to take you with me back to Osea but plans have changed. I hope you can stay until we decide what to do next.”
“Ora Litoc… he did that? For us? And he is-”
“Yes and yes. So you see, we are in your debt. In fact, the whole kingdom is indebted to you.”
“I don’t know what to – ora, I cannot repay this kindness.”
“You already have.” I answered, noting how she matched my pace. “Now tell me, how have you been?”
She looked at me like I was asking her to tell me her darkest secrets. Her hand rose to her cheek while her gaze lowered down to her lap where it stayed. Slowly, she recounted how she lived, or started to, after we left. Without her father, she was having difficulty doing all the chores by herself despite others wanting to help her.
She didn’t talk about her own feelings. The whole time she was relating her difficulties, Besien only spoke facts and an almost washed out description of her activities.
When she spoke or Raami, her voice began to tremble. As she relayed how Raami’s father turned into a drunk, tears started flowing involuntarily. By the time she talked about Raami, and how she hasn’t recovered from her catatonic state, Besien was already sobbing.
I stood, approached, and put my knuckles against the right side of her face to wipe the tears. Besien jumped on contact but allowed my second attempt. I pulled her head to have it rest against my stomach while I smoothed her hair.
“It’s alright. Let it out.” I encouraged.
In truth, I did not know what to say or how to act. This wasn’t going to make it right, I knew that much. It was just a step. A very small one, but I was glad she made it.
“Abrak ora. I shouldn’t be like this. I should not be bothering you with anything.” She said, breaking away and quickly wiping her cheeks.
“Sa, sa, sa,” I quickly replied, holding her face while I bent so I could look here in the eyes at the same level, “it’s alright. I would like nothing more than for you to be yourself when you’re with me. Tell me anything. Anything at all and I will listen. You hear?”
Besien took my hands while nodding and closed her eyes, squeezing out the last remaining tears. Then, she let go and wiped her cheeks once more. She stood up and smoothed her garments, wiping her hands on the sides at the same time.
“What do I do now?” She asked.
“Anything you want. If you wish to go back, we will arrange transport for you, though I wish you would stay.” I answered.
“Why?”
“I’m not exactly sure. I just find your presence… calming.” I lied, partly.
“Then I will stay while I am needed. But I still do not know what to do.”
“Well,” I said, making things up as I took her hand in mine and slowly walked towards the door, “You are in my company now, our company. To everyone else here, you are now a noble. What do you say to an afternoon at the market? We’ll get you clothes fitting for a noblewoman.”
“I… I can’t accept that. Not with all of you dressed like-”
She pointed at my ragged garments. I forced a chuckle as opened the door for her, nodding at the guards.
“This is our choice. Like I said, I wasn’t a noble to begin with, they just treat us as such. Mainly because we’re in Litoc’s company. So, if you don’t want pretty clothes, new items, and an afternoon at the market, what do you want to do?”
“Well, I…”
I noted her hesitation and recognized my ploy had worked. Somewhat.
“How about this: I will put you in charge of our meals and whatever we need, supplies, water in the barrel, all that. Nothing goes in there except when approved and inspected by you. For that, you will need to somehow appear to be above the other servants so we’ll find you garments to fit your new station. Of course, you can do anything you want in between. Maybe you want to sit in with Jibel while he is receiving lessons?”
“I would like that.” She answered timidly, “Ora, can you help me thank the ladies from yesterday? They were very kind.”
“The ones you came in with? With the food?”
“Ha. They are from the kitchens I think.”
“They are? I didn’t recognize them.”
“You know people from the kitchens?”
“Not all, apparently. But I like the kitchens, I go there to relax. Sometimes cook.”
“You do that ora? Cook?”
“Oh yes, I find it quite enjoyable. How about you?”
“I can cook. I will cook lunch! If you would have me, do it.”
“I’d like that very much.” I beamed at her. “Besides, you’re not going to the market until after.”
Aiela’s eyes widened and fluttered as we entered the kitchens. I realized that I have been holding Besien’s hand the entire time. I introduced the girl to everyone, especially to the cook, and briefed them about Besien’s duties from that point on. Once the ladies Besien wanted to thank came, I made my exit.
How the hell am I supposed to help her?
“Ye alright there Jorj?”
“What?”
I raised my gaze to find Litoc walking my way from the right.
“Ye seem a little… down.”
“Must be the late morning. Good that you’re here. I have a task for you.”
“’andin’ out orders now are we?”
“You asked me to stay and help, I need things done in return.”
“Fair ‘nough, fair ‘nough,” he muttered as he kept up with my pace, “what is it?”
“Take Besien out to the markets after lunch. Buy her all the pretty dresses she wants, and anything else she might fancy.”
“Easy ‘nough. I was meanin’ to spend time with ‘er anyway. Anythin’ else?”
“Pay attention to her. She might feel awkward asking for things. If she so much as linger on an item, or keep looking back at it, buy it. And put that annoying habit you have to good use for once.”
“Me? ‘ave an annoyin’ ‘abit? Whatever do ye mean?”
“You’re talking in circles is what I mean. I know you know you’re doing it as you’re doing it. Encourage her to talk, but don’t press. Make her feel she’s volunteering her words. She needs to be able to talk about her… incident.”
“Yer praisin’ me? I thought ye were goin’ ta insult me fer a moment there. Ha! But yer right, poor girl’s got ta be able to talk ‘bout it without cryin’ at some point.”
“Did she talk to you about it?”
“Lam, I wasn’t knowin’ ‘ow ta approach it but I’m sure I’ll think o’ somethin’.”
“Good. So, what brings you my way this early in the morning?”
“Yer mighty annoyed at me aren’t ye?”
“That’s what brought you?”
“See! There ‘tis, right there!”
“Litoc?”
“Fine, fine. I see yer in no jokin’ mood. Jak wants ta see ye. ‘e was pretty ‘appy when I told ‘im ye were goin’ ta take a second look at the plans but not so ‘appy about putting it on pause.”
“He in the throne room?”
“Lam, loremaster’s ‘andlin’ all the guests till the plans done. ‘es in ‘is room.”
“I’ll head there now. Oh, I put Besien in charge of us so she’ll have something to do. Can you arrange for her to have her own quarters? She’s a noble now and should not be bunking with us. Have an attendant wait on her at all times.”
“A noble eh?”
“While she’s in my company, our company, she is.”
“Hence the clothes. Ye really think o’ all the things huh?”
“Clearly not as thoroughly as I’d like or I wouldn’t be here.”
“Let us in next time, maybe we could ‘elp make it… thorough.”
“Maybe,” I considered, “Litoc? No advices please, unless she asks for one. You’re there to listen. And don’t drive either.”
“Why the wave not?”
“Because you should be focusing only on her. I might have made her worse by dragging her into this. It’s the least we can do. Take that soldier Lenra or whoever you’re comfortable with, but do not drive.”
“Yes yer majesty!” He stopped and stood rigid imitating a soldier, then approached shaking his head and chuckling. “Fer someone who does not want any o’ these, ye sure act like a King.”
“Who’s to say I’m not already?”
“Ha, it’s looking like that, isn’t it? Anythin’ else I should be mindin’?”
“That is all. Dismissed.”
Litoc brought his head back, leaning slightly, and eyed me from an angle, grin slowly spreading.
“Basterd.”