"I...", I could not make out the words. I'm confused, and frustration is beginning to set in my mind.
Bowing my head slightly, I closed my eyes as I felt imaginations coming into my head. The next day after discovering my feelings for the same sex, I prayed for self-control. I also promised not to give in to my feelings.
It would be for the best, not only for me but for Joseph. If we engage in sexual pleasures, that cannot reduce the liking we have for each other. It would only ignite the lust as well as the temporary happiness we would enjoy in the meantime. Most importantly, we will both be committing a grievous sin.
Even if I give in, I know myself pretty well. A guilty conscience will eat me up, especially when I have promised the Almighty of doing the right thing.
'God gave me feelings, not for me to give in to it but to learn how to control them'. I have two choices.
One is to give in to this weird feeling for the same sex by engaging in sexual acts with Joseph. No doubt, happiness is short-lived. A guilty conscience will prick the daylight out of me knowing fully well I committed a grievous sin and also broke my promise to God.
Joseph's life will not be the same as his feeling of lust for me will increase. Trust me when I say he will never gain permanent happiness as long as we still engage in such an act. Society is against such an act between a man and a man, which I also support even though my body has a different thing for me.
I looked up at Joseph, as tears slipped down my face.
" Please", he mouthed as he held my hands firmly yet softly, as my heart raced.
"I can't do this", I said as his facial expressions changed drastically into a sad one, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.
He held my hands roughly as I almost winced in pain.
" Can't you see the love I have for you? My mind has been more like a wave with no balance ever since I have this feeling for you. Try to understand. I promise you that you will be happy. I promise", he kept saying as I released my hands forcefully from his grip.
"Take a chill, Joseph. There is no love in a teenager's dictionary. There are only crushes, infatuation, and attraction, which you are developing in the later part. You have to control yourself, the feeling will fade away with time", I said softly hoping to help him.
" Why are you doing this?" he asked, staring at me.
"Do you remember how you tried to rape me? Do you ever think of the consequences if that happened? Not only will I be a victim of rape, but I would also be guilty of the rest of my life",
" But I have apologized. I..", I raised my hand stopping him.
"Everyone makes mistakes, but the one you tried to do was overboard. I hope you understand some things. Just because you want us to engage in sexual acts does not make your feelings for me disappear, it would only ignite it. The attraction will deepen leading to lust. Trust me when I say this, the happiness in the pleasures will only be temporary.
Have you thought about that?", I voiced out in one breath
He made his way to the bed, as he facepalmed himself.
" But I have already sinned by having feelings for the same sex, why don't we continue with our life? I feel so frustrated", he voiced out, his voice trembling.
I walked to his side, trying to think of what to tell him.
"When I figured myself out, I realized something. Just because I am attracted to the same sex does not mean I am homosexual or gay. I am in my 'bloom of youths, a period when I might be subject to involuntary sexual arousal. Such inclinations will fade away with time. But one thing I did was avoid homosexual practices", I explained as he looked at me, cleaning the tears on his face.
" It must have been difficult right? You must have felt that frustration the same way I am feeling this", he said as I heaved a sigh.
"Yes, I felt frustrated, guilty, and stupid for developing feelings for the same sex. The next day after I learned about my feelings, I prayed about it", I started as he scoffed.
" Like seriously? How will that help?", he asked, biting his lips so as not to laugh, but he ended up with a snicker.

Adjusting my sitting, I smiled looking at him.
"I felt peace within. I prayed for self-control to guard my thoughts against strong sexual desires. I filled my mind with a strong hope that one day I will get rid of this weird feeling. Never underestimate the power to shape your mind and heart for good", I said as he nodded, trying to digest what I had said.

He sat up staring at the wall before looking at me.
" But isn't it just better to embrace your sexuality and accept who you are?", he asked, creasing his brows.
"Not giving up has been my slogan. I can win the battle even if same-sex desires persist. I won't give in. God condemns homosexual acts. I have a goal", I started enunciating the last part.
" Which goal?", Joseph asked.
"To choose not to act on those desires", I said, feeling confidence building up in me.
" But I have tried. It is not working and I don't know where to turn. I'm confused", Joseph stated bitterly, crossing his arms together.
"There is no easy cure. If you want to please God, you must conform to God's moral standards and shun immoral behavior, even though doing so may seem agonizing sometimes. Never forget that God understands the struggle you go through in your heart. So be ready to fight against such wrong desires. With time and effort, you are more likely to find the wrong desires fade away", I counseled as he nodded, releasing his arms.
" You have a strong will. I doubt if I can accept your words. Don't worry, I have to go now. Since you are not accepting my point of view, I hope you have a good day", he said standing up as I stood up as well.
"Wait, I would like to give you something", I said as he turned to face me.
I walked towards my study table bringing out one of the books that have helped me throughout my troubled days. I handed it over to him.
" What is that?", he questioned, not making any attempt to collect the book.
"It is titled 'QUESTIONS YOUNG PEOPLE ASK VOLUME 2'. This book helped me to discern how to control my feelings for the same sex. I thought it might also help you", I said as he shook his head.
" No, thank you. I appreciate your help. This might be the last time we might communicate, but you will always be in my memory lane. Even if the feeling stops as you said, I will still remember you", he said, engulfing me in a hug.
We parted away a few seconds later, as he opened the door, my body trembled.
I sat on my bed guilty for being the cause of this whole problem. He wanted us to be together, but I rejected it.
Did I do the right thing?