It would have been a worse scenario for me if I continued to feel the pleasure, but it stopped. My body became numb, as I closed my eyes, the imaginations of Joseph's attempt to rape me crept into my mind.
I felt a surge of power as I pushed Phil away.
"I can't do this. I can't. It is an immoral act", my voice started shaking as tears glimmered in my eyes.
I could feel the surprised look on Phil as his gaze was on me. He groaned, then hissed before moving closer to me.
" Are you okay?", he asked with concern as I nodded.
"Are you sure you don't want to do this? We both like each other, don't we?", he tried to reassure but I could not help but feel a bitter taste on my tongue.
" I don't want to get carried away by temporary pleasure. I know you are probably angry but I can't seem to keep off my mind from how we will both feel after having sex. I can't do this. God condemns such act", I said, my mind revolving
"I have a question tho. Why would God create us with sexual desires and tell us not to act on them", Phil asked.
My mind was slowly becoming blank realizing that I do not have an answer to that question. I closed my eyes lightly, as I began reflecting on his question again.
" Robots are created to follow specific instructions, codes, or commands according to how the inventor created them. But we humans can decide for ourselves, what is right or wrong. We can choose to control sexual impulses even if they persist", I looked at him as he nodded.
" To illustrate, I might be disposed to rage and anger in the past, probably giving in to anger. After learning how not to get angry or control it, I might have been aware of the need to develop self-control. Does that mean I will never feel anger welling up inside me?", I asked
"Nope. Humans can get angry anytime, while others not properly controlled can lead to violence, others properly controlled can lead to peace", Phil explained as I smiled gently.
"Because he knew what he has been taught about uncontrolled anger, he will strive hard not to succumb to his feelings.
It is similar to a person who is attracted to others of the same sex but who has come to learn of what is right. Even if improper desire persists, by viewing just like God, I can find the strength to resist the desire", I explained as he kept staring at me.
" Why do you still wish to keep controlling your feelings? Isn't there an easy cure? Why not embrace your sexuality?", I could feel Phil's concern for me.
"I would have, but God's gift of marriage is between a man and a woman. It is an arrangement in which sexual desires could be honorably satisfied. For now, each one has two choices. Either control these sexual desires or give in to them. Remember it is your choice, you alone", I stated.
For some seconds, I felt my own body free somehow. I can't help but feel 70% of my heart is against my decision. I think I am beginning to have few changes within me. I think this weird feeling of mine might be over soon.
" To me, I still feel you have more than two choices. You can choose to be my boyfriend and we will travel to where they do not detest gays", Philip confessed making my stomach churn.
"No need, thank you. And you seem to have forgotten Senior Joy. According to what I know, first love never dies", I deadpanned as he creased his foreheads.
" I do have a little feeling for Joy but she is my past and you are my present", he said.
"You can choose to be bisexual or remain single until you are sure you do not have such feelings again. If such persist, then you have to give in to them", Phil said, patting my shoulder lightly.
******
I got home later on and I could not help but keep reflecting on Phil's word. To become gay, bisexual, or wait for a time frame and if the feelings still linger, I have to give in to it.
He never tried to convince me after stating those choices of his, but it has been like a knock constantly thumping my heart.
I turned as I saw Chris enter the room.
" Hey, how was your day? Did anything happen between you and Senior Philip?", he questioned as he slumped on the bed.
"No, nothing happened between us", I mumbled.
'Why? Don't you have feelings for him?", Chris asked.
" I could no longer feel those sensations later on. I have this strong feeling, that the weird feeling haunting me might be gone", I said, as Chris snickered.
"Like seriously? I thought you said you like Phil", he said and I nodded
" Did you remember how I described my thoughts about him?", I turned my head in his direction.
"You said you like his mature sense, his ways of walking and no matter how stressed he is, he tries to act cute", Chris stated and I nodded in acknowledgment.
" All these days, I thought I might have liked Phil. On the other hand, I feel I am attracted to him. Today made me realize that maybe I only admire him like a role model", I tried to reason out my whole thoughts.
"Did he try to touch you and how did you respond?", he asked.
" At first, I felt like giving in to these feelings, I wanted to feel the pleasure even tho I knew I would later regret it. His hand crept under my body giving me goosebumps. When I thought I would finally do this, my body became numb, as my heartbeat was not as rapid as it was supposed to be when I am with the same sex. Images of how Joseph tried to rape me flashed through my memory and I stopped Phil", I explained as Chris let out a sigh.
I later explained what later happened, the words of Phil. He gave me three options to choose from. To be his boyfriend, bisexual,l, or give me a specific time frame to figure out if this weird feeling will stop, and if it doesn't stop, I have to give in to my feelings.
"I'm confused and speechless to some extent. But the question is what are those things you have done to control this feeling of yours? I mean it must have been difficult saying NO just like that. I'm just curious", Chris asked, making me remember some flashbacks about my life.
" Well, they are lots of things I did like prayer, keeping my mind on positive things. Most of the temptation that crept to my mind is watching certain shows, mostly fashion or bodybuilding that featured lightly clad models. I feel tempted to watch those things but when I realize it would increase my sexual urges, I shunned them, I never watched them again.
You see, it can be agonizing sometimes but the result is great. I don't know whether I will finally give in to my feelings but one thing I know is to think it through", I expressed.
"Ok, all the best bro. I hope you make the right decision. I just feel God might understand if you give in to your feelings", Chris said but I just nodded.
God gave me feelings not for me to give in to them but to learn how to control them. I just hope I will be able to do this. I hope that out of those three choices Phil gave, I will choose one. Either to become gay, bisexual, or finally get rid of this weird feeling haunting me.