"You didn’t kill them, don’t blame yourself…” she brushed his shoulder gently and asserted so.
“I couldn’t save them, I was such a coward. I ran away from there…” he had his down while keeping his eyes closed. He had been blaming himself for what happened back then... This time she sat next to him and grazed his face, making him look at her. She fondled his face and affirmed, “You were not a coward, Nick. Sometimes things are out of our hand, we cannot do what we want...”
“Do you think they hate me? I didn’t save them but ran away from there…”
“I don’t think they hate you. But they might be sad because you are sad too…” hearing her he looked at her, looking at her eyes, he saw her looking at him as if they were talking through their eyes. Sanaya stared at the stars then holding his hand she let out, “Do you see the stars in the sky?”
As she said so he gaped at the stars and saw the beautiful sky. “I wanted to hate my birth parents and also, thank them that I got to meet my mom and dad who loves me so much but… when I got to know that they are no longer in this world, I couldn’t hate them…”
Hearing her he held her hand tight and she smiled soullessly. “I think my biological parents and your mom and brother are watching us from up there…” she pointed her hand towards the sky and smiled sadly.
“Your biological parents… are no longer alive?”
Sanaya nodded her head and blurted out, “Some months ago I got to know about them… before that, I heard they left me and soon they had an accident but some months ago I got to know that it was a lie…”
Sanaya again chuckled and this time, she tried to not shed tears. “They had a son, he is two years younger than me. I heard they left me at the orphanage because I was a girl… raising me would do them no good but I would be a burden to them so they left me, haha… you know when I heard the news that they died, I felt no remorse… I don’t hate them for abandoning me, I don’t…”
“…”
Sanaya turned towards him and pulled him up. She stood side by side with him and asserted, “So I am saying, they don’t hate you. Your mom and brother don’t hate you, Nick. They want you to be happy, to live your life…”
Nick looked awful as he weakened his grip.
“It was not your fault. Do you think they are happy to see you sad like this?” seeing him quiet looking at the sky she held his hand more firmly and told, “Nick, it has been so many years. You had been holding it all inside your heart, you had been suffering… it’s time for you to let them go…"
Hearing her he glared at her, his eyes expressing so much pain.
“Your mom and your brother love you, they want to see you live a happy life too. Don’t hurt yourself thinking bout them, let them know that their loved one is taking care of himself well. Let it go, nick. Let them go…”
“Can I do that?”
She nodded her head and he gazed at the sky. Truly, tonight there were so many stars as if they were prepared for a wonderful show. Nick let her hand go and walked forward. Still looking at the starry sky, he closed his eyes. All his life his dad told him that he was not responsible for what had happened that year but secretly, he never let him forget them. Through every attack, he kept telling him to remember that he was to blame for her mother's and brother's death and that he could never be innocent but the devil.
“Mom. Brother… Can you see me? I am here… I am sorry, I didn’t take care of myself well. I hurt myself… actually, I was angry. I was angry at myself, I could not forgive myself either. Since that day I never let go of that night. Every day I could only punish myself, I am such a bad son, ain’t I?...”
All the memories with his mom and brother were reflected before his eyes. How memorable those days were! He understood the meaning of losing loved ones too soon.
Sanaya rested her head against his back while patting on his other shoulder.
His voice sounded as if he was about to burst out in tears… “Mom, brother. I miss you, I miss you guys so much… I miss you every day… Why does God have to take you two with him? Why… ”
He remembered the times he fought with his brother for toys and how he would get mad if someone bullied his brother, he remembered how his mom cooked new dishes for them to try and when his brother grabbed the first bite, he cried. The first time when he met his brother, he was not happy but soon he was so happy. Though his mom couldn't spend time with the brothers so he went to her hospital to see him... She saw tears rolling down his eyes. As she was patting his shoulder suddenly he turned around and hugged her. He burst out in tears and hugged her tight. A mixture of happiness and sadness formed in her heart. She was sad for him but somewhere in her heart, she was happy as he was letting go of his miseries. Before when she saw him waking up from a nightmare she guessed that there was something with him but now she knew the reason.
Sometimes passed, and they were in each other’s hugs. Sanaya was still caressing his back gently. Nick looked at her and looked away when she suddenly caressed his face. Their eyes met and this was another version of her husband she got to meet today.
She was fondling his face while gawking at him. “I am sorry.”
“Why?”
“I had been acted without knowing about your sufferings. I was not there when you were alone. I am such a stupid. I am so sorry that I…”
She was interrupted by him as suddenly he stroked her face. “Who said you were not by my side when I needed you?”
“I…”
“All these years I had been having a hard time sleeping because as soon as I closed my eyes I had nightmares but until you came… you were by my side that’s why I could forget my pain…”
He was not finished yet and she started crying. She remembered what she did with him and the scars she saw on his body were making her feel worse. Thinking about how much he went through made her heart wrenched. Sanaya hugged him tight, “I am sorry I shouldn’t have done that. I am stupid. I am a fool… ”
“…” Nick couldn’t say something as she was crying on his chest, he brushed his chin against her head and sighed. Suddenly hearing thunderstorm sound, she looked at the sky and blurted out, “It’s probably gonna r… ahh, let’s go back to…” She pulled his hand but she didn’t move and instead of him she was pulled close to him.
Surprised she gaped at him and he asserted, “You love rain, don’t you?”
“No, I don’t… Let’s go.” As she was about to stride he pulled her close by the waist.
“I am not scared of rain.”
“Then yesterday…”
“That was because… I suddenly happened to remember that night that’s why… I am not scared of rain so don’t worry, we can stay here as long you…”
She felt sad as she listened to him. He was isolated there, fighting alone… she fondled his face and held his face with both her hands, and looked at him. Taking a deep breath suddenly she smooched him, “From now on, remember you are not alone. You have me, I will always be by your side…”
He touched her face and smiled at her. As the clouds were roaring he nuzzled his nose against her nose and the clouds roared again. In a second raindrops started falling from the sky.
Sanaya held his hand and started running, pulling him with her. “You will catch a cold if you get soaked in the rain. We can’t stay here, let’s go back.”
Droplets of rain were falling on them when they were running faster. He could see her running before him when he was following in her footsteps. Nick gawked at the sky and blurted out, “Mom, brother I will live my life to the fullest from now on. I will take care of myself well, I will never hurt myself again… Never…”