"What about you? Any progress so far?"
Nadine asked as I continued to stare at her. I literally forgot that she believed we were doing this because she thought that I had feelings for Koby's girlfriend; heck, I don't even know what her name is
"Meh, she's still so into Koby. I think it's going to take a while for her to notice me."
It's you, God-damned.
I seriously just wanted to tell her that I was talking about her and not whoever she thought it was. Nadine seems to be deep in thought, and I can't help but admire her even more. Why does she look so cute when she's not even doing anything?
I'm seriously a lost cause.
"What did you like about her? If you don't mind me asking."
Shit, I don't know why I suddenly feel nervous when she asks me this. I mean, she literally asked me what I liked about her. If only she knew that I was talking about her.
"Well, she's cute. I like seeing her smile."
I replied, seeing her face light up in surprise as I told her that. Goodness, I wish I was brave enough to tell you that you're the one that I like. I don't know why she seems so excited to hear about it. I'm confused. This is troubling.
"What about you? What makes you fall for your childhood friend so hard that it makes you cry so badly when you find out about his girlfriend?"
I honestly don't care, but ugh, I wanted to know why at the same time. Although I know that whatever she's going to tell me is going to hurt me, shit.
"We had always been together; isn't it natural to get attached?"
I wish that her smile belonged to me and mine alone. It's annoying that I have to listen to her talk about another guy. Why did she have to look so happy talking about him?
Why can't she see me?
The one in front of her.
Why does she keep chasing after that damn bastard?
Ugh. This shit is making me lose my mind.
"That's seriously the boringest answer ever."
I sigh in defeat, since I still lose to that bastard, so I can't really do anything right now.
"Well, I mean, that's the main point. But he was so kind to me. He protected me and cared for me. So I really like that about him. The little things that he does make me feel so special."
Hearing her say all that got me wondering. What if I was the one who protected and cared for her? Will she fall for me then? Is she going to notice me if I start doing those little things that she likes so much? I can't help but feel curious about those little things that she means. I asked her about them, but she just giggled in return. Goodness, why is she so cute? I'm literally losing my sanity here.
"Aren't you a curious cat?"
Nadine joked, and I sighed in return. Of course, I am curious. I'm planning to steal your attention away from him; I definitely wanted to know what those little things are that make you fall for him. Ugh, I wish I could've said all that.
"The way he intertwined our pinkies whenever I was feeling nervous; the way he notices every little thing about me. But it's such a shame that he's dense when it comes to my feelings towards him."
Nadine sighs as she can't help but feel even more troubled. I mean, I did intertwine our pinkies before, but knowing that he always did that to her, I don't know what to feel. Ugh. It should have made her feel special when I did that, and now it would always remind her of Koby if I did it again.
"Ugh, enough talking about Koby. I want to know about you and Celine. How did you two meet?"
Finally. But wait, who the heck is Celine? But seeing that Nadine looks so excited, I can't help but just go along with her ideas. She makes me so happy that I am surprised by that. Just seeing her smile makes my day even better. I wonder how she would react if I told her about this.
"It may sound hard to believe, but we met in preschool. I've always been next to her, but she never really noticed me."
I seriously just wanted to tell her that I was talking about her. But I don't know if she even remembered me. I mean, it doesn't seem like she did right now, even though I recognised her when I met her again. Well, recognise her name that is. But I wonder if she would remember me if I told her that we used to play together back then and how she always called me Timothy.
This is troubling.
"If you could say one thing to her right now, what would you say?"
Nadine asked again, and I was taken aback by that. I was really surprised, to be honest. I mean, I don't know. But this feels like I'm going to confess my feelings. But the only difference is that she doesn't know I'm confessing my feelings for her.
"It's going to be our little secret. I'm not going to tell anyone, promise."
Goodness, I wish I could just kiss you right now.
"I've liked you; I've always been."
My heart was thumping so loudly that I was nervous if she might've heard it. Shit, why is she staring at me like that? It's making it harder for me to stay calm.
"It must be nice if Koby said that to me; I really envied Celine for having two guys chasing after her."
God, why did she have to mention his name right now? just when I thought we were having a moment. All she thinks about is Koby and her feelings for him. I don't even understand how I could have even stayed for this. She should've said that to herself, since she was the one being chased by two guys.
This is seriously disappointing.
I just wanted her to see me—to notice me.
But why is it so hard for her to see that I am here?
"Are you not going home today?"
When Nadine asked me that, I couldn't help but smile. She sounded so cute that I seriously forgot that I'm disappointed with her answer right now.
"I want to stay with you longer."
I replied, watching her reaction as she seemed to be nervous. Heh, that was cute. She was surprised when I suddenly laid my head on her shoulder, but she didn't push me or say anything. This is weird; she's making me believe that I should hold on to my feelings. God, I don't know. I just wanted to be with her longer; I don't want to think about anything else, or anyone else. I just want to live in the moment, with her next to me.
Is that too much to ask for?
"Why?"
When Nadine asked me that, I couldn't help but feel happy and relieved.
She's so cute, I'm losing my mind.
"I don't know."
I replied as we continued to stay silent. God, I wish I could live in this moment forever. I don't want to let her go. I wish that she saw me and not that childhood friend of hers.
I wish that I could see her smile every day but everything just doesn't go as I wish.
Nadine looks hurt. She looks like she is about to cry. Oh god, what happened now? Did he say something to hurt her again? I hate that we're going through the same cycle over and over. I don't want to see you hurting because of someone who doesn't appreciate you. I asked her what happened since she was bleeding, and for fuck's sake, I was frustrated when she told me it was not my business.
Really now?
How can I not care about you when you look so down?
Why do you keep pushing me away?
"It's okay to cry."
Again, I will be the one next to her after he makes her cry. It's the same cycle again. God, I wish that I wasn't so weak against her. But I also don't want to leave her alone. I wanted her to feel like she could talk to me about anything. Although, just the thought of Koby doing this to her makes me so pissed.
This is the second time she cried in my arms.
I don't know what to feel.
I'm stuck between feeling happy that she feels comfortable enough to cry in front of me and feeling hurt that she's only ever cried in front of me. I want to see her smile, but her tears are making my heart feel heavy.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Why won't you stop chasing after him?
𝗜'𝗺 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲
Why can't you see that I care for you?
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said."
Nadine finally said that as I continued fiddling with her fingers, I was hoping to take her mind off of what just happened. To be honest, I'm not really mad at her for saying that to me; I was just... worried. I ask her if he said something to her again, as she just continued to stay silent for a moment.
I just wish that I could erase him from her life.
"It's not him."
I was surprised when Nadine told me that. It seems like she's hesitating, but I squeeze our fingers together, making her feel comfortable enough that she could tell me what's on her mind.
I don't know what to say.
Nadine told me about Emma, her stepsister. how they shared the same father and how her father left her for Emma's family. The reason she moved is because of what her father did. I continued listening to her worries as she seemed sad; she told me that her father didn't want her to live with HIS family.
Fuck.
Now that I think about it, she does say that she doesn't have a home.
It must've hurt so badly.
I can't believe that she's been dealing with all this on her own.
It must be so hard to open up to someone. I'm glad that she chose to tell me all this. I assured her that it was going to be alright since I would be next to her. I wanted to be the one she could count on, and I wanted to make her smile.
"Why are you so kind to me?"
When Nadine asked me this, I didn't know what to feel.
"Because I care for you. You make me worry when you're out of my sight; I found myself thinking about you a lot."
I confess, as she seems surprised. I'm not going to lie, but I can't believe I just said all that without being nervous. Damn, this is seriously making me feel weird. Nadine continues to stay silent as we stare into each other's eyes.
I wonder what she is thinking now.
I wish that she saw me, but I can't help but notice how her eyes are always following Koby. Even if I were the one standing next to her, she still wouldn't see me. It hurts to see her doing that, but I know she couldn't help it since the one she has feelings for is him—Koby.
I am jealous.
I hate to admit it, but seeing her eyes light up every time he looks at her just makes me lose my mind.
She's trying to make him jealous by being close to me. Although I was the one who suggested the idea, I can't believe that I was hurt by this. Shit, I shouldn't have said that I wanted to help her.
I should've just confessed my feelings for her in the first place.
Ugh, it's useless to regret everything now.
Although it really hurts me, listening to her voice as she sounded so sad.
She sounded frustrated and angry with him.
Is it wrong of me to wish for him to break you even more? I don't understand this feeling of mine. My head is giving me weird ideas, and I can't help but feel disappointed.
"What about me? Did you even ask me about my feelings?"
I stood there listening to your complaint and Koby seemed hesitant. I hate this so much.
I don't want to be here.
But I can't leave you when you look like you're about to cry. Because of him, him and his excuses. God, I seriously wanted to punch his face right now for hurting you.
"Celine's my girlfriend."
The moment Koby said those words I know that you would be hurt, but I can't help but feel happy. He doesn't deserve you, so please don't cry. It amazed me how you could still smile and act like you wasn't hurt. It amazed me that you told him it was all a lie, saying that he's like a family, when I know you didn't mean to say all that.
I know you were hurt by him.
So please just stop now.
I wanted to see you smile, not faking it, but a genuine one.
As I told her about everything, I told her how I heard her confession as she said it was a joke. Nadine seems embarrassed; she keeps saying that I keep seeing her at her worst, but I don't really mind it because I will be the one to make her smile after every tear.
I just wish that she saw what I'm doing for her.
And not to mention Ethan.
I was seriously jealous of how close you two are; it's making me go crazy. This jealousy makes me forget that he's your brother, and I shouldn't have worried about him.
I am a lost cause.
You make me feel these emotions that I was supposed to erase.
What am I supposed to do now?
I think I might have fallen for you more than I ever imagined.