[ Bella's Point of View ]
How do I even know what love is?
I pulled my hair out of frustration because I'm literally overthinking about LOVE!
Janice said it's up to me to discover what love is for me, but I can't!
Maybe I'm not meant to feel it. After all, I'm still a psychopath.
Apparently, I'm fifty percent psychopathic because I'm not as emotionless as before.
Is there such a thing?
Jameson has been on my mind day and night. I'm paranoid over something I shouldn't be worrying about.
Oh, Bella, what a pity!!
Love.
Love.
Love.
What is love?
I tried researching the internet and read books about it, but I didn't get an idea.
Love is so messed up. That's why I don't want to partake in it.
I looked at the clock and realized that I needed to meet Jameson. I wonder if he was still waiting for my response yesterday.
I lazily wore a clean white polo and a pair of trousers. Looking at my phone, I saw several messages from Jameson and Janice. I don't have time to read any of those messages.
I breathed heavily as I went outside the door of my apartment. The sun is so bright, and the wind is calm. What an excellent day to go to the park and relax.
"Hi, Bella," Jameson said as he popped in front of me.
Why is he so good-looking today? I mean, he is always handsome, but he looks better today.
Is he trying to please me?
"What are you doing here?" I asked and frowned.
"We're going to meet anyway, so I decided to pick you up." He looked at his smartwatch and looked back at me with his blue eyes.
"Could you stop looking at me with those eyes? It's irritating," I retorted.
"Haha, these eyes are my main asset. Who knows, you might eventually fall in love with me because of it."
We went to his car, and I sat in the passenger seat. I don't know where we will go, and I won't bother asking him because I just don't want to.
"So, when will you graduate?" he asked while driving with one hand.
Why does he have to look so hot with it?
"Maybe when I'm twenty-four or twenty-five," I replied.
I still need to study more years to be an expert. I am currently a twenty-two-year-old psychopath intern studying psychology.
How ironic isn't it?
"Alright. I'll wait for you," Jameson replied.
"Wait for me for what?" I asked back.
"I'll wait until you get your degree, and let's get married," he said casually, like it's not a big deal!
WHAT?!
"What made you think I'm going to marry you? What if I decide to marry Janice instead? Or not to marry at all?" I smirked at him.
He is such a pompous person.
"Because I want to."
Ha, who is he to decide?
I looked outside the window of his car and saw a lot of kids running around the place. They look so happy, nothing to worry about.
That brought me back when I was a child. I never got to live a normal life just like those kids. I'm somehow envious.
But, my childhood was memorable. It's pleasingly gore-ish.
If I had spent my time playing, I would've died already.
That's just how horrible my life is.
And that's why I am a psychopath.
There are a lot of other psychopaths around the globe. It's either they decided to be one because of traumas, or they were born with it.
I felt a hand on my left thigh, softly brushing its thumb.
"Why are you touching me?" I asked Jameson.
"You look so depressed. I'm just comforting you," Jameson replied.
I looked at his hand softly, gripping my thigh, and I held his hand.
He jerked a bit but left it that way.
...
We arrived at an extensive library. It's like heaven for bookworms, I swear. Everything you see in this place is filled with books!
Even the decorations are books.
Even the walls are books.
Everything.
I remember when Ivan and I were dating, I read him stories and poems. I wonder if he still remembers it.
I looked at Jameson and imagined me reading him a book. I wonder if it will also be beautiful if he reads me one. He glanced at me, and I abruptly looked away.
He held my waist and pulled me closer to him. He lowered himself and whispered, "Why were you looking at me like that?"
I swallowed a giant, invisible lump in my throat. "I was not looking at you."
"Liar."
He kept his hands on my waist as we walked through the shelves.
"I remember when we were kids, you brought me to the library at your mansion. That's when I realized I had a crush on you," he muttered, moving his fingers through the books.
Yeah, I remember it. I think it's also when Jameson knew I was a psychopath if he really knew.
And he didn't distance himself from me, despite knowing my true identity.
"You know, at first I thought you were a dumb kid, just like any other kids," I told him, and he chortled.
"Doesn't mean you're a psychopath. You could invalidate other kids like that," he said and grabbed a book.
I know. It just annoys me when I find someone lower than me.
Especially when I was a child.
"Let's read this," he offered, and we sat on a bench.
"Is that a romance book? Come on, I hate those," I complained.
"I know, but I want to be romantic for once. So, I'm going to read you this."
I just let him read it to me. I felt the warmth and affection of his voice. It made me sleep on his shoulder.
I know I am dreaming, but I dreamt of myself getting married to Jameson. I looked so happy in that dream. We seemed so happy.
If only I know what love is.
If only I could tell him,
"I love you."
...
"Janice, come on! What the heck are you doing?" I screamed at Janice in the classroom.
We still have a freaking night shift later, and here she is, flirting with Ivan on call.
I can't believe they will end up flirting with each other after the night at the club.
"Ugh, I'll just leave you here. I won't risk my degree because of a lady flirting with my ex-boyfriend." I grabbed my bag and went outside. Of course, she followed me, but she's still on call.
If Ivan and Janice ever end updating, I will definitely attend their wedding.
"Hey, Bella! Why are you so rude? Don't tell me you still have feelings for your ex?" Janice asked and held onto my arm.
I glared at her and said, "I don't have feelings for him or for anyone. You can have Ivan for yourself."
"Hmm? What about Jameson? Don't you like him? Come on, Bella. If you still couldn't catch feelings for him, I'll assume you're the dumbest person in this world."
I just shrugged my shoulders. I don't want to go back on those topics AGAIN.
"By the way, can we go to the grocery? I need to buy table napkins," Janice begged.
I agreed. I needed to buy snacks as well.
On our way, Ivan walked towards us with a fancy smile morphed on his face.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him.
"Hi, Bella! Don't you miss me? Anyway, your friend right here just asked me to come with her to the grocery," he replied and looked at Janice.
I looked at Janice, too, scowling.
"Why do you have to bring him here when you have me?" I muttered sullenly.
"I... I'm sorry, Bella. I just thought it would be fun if we had someone to carry our goods," she replied.
I just sighed, and the three of us went to the grocery.
As I was getting ice cream, I couldn't help but think of Niana. When we lived together, I must admit I was too harsh on her. I have a massive trust issue, so I didn't really trust her, but she's been someone I could hold on to during my high school years. I wonder how she is now.
She was brought to Japan for further medication the last time I checked. That girl was utterly depressed about her life.
If I wasn't bold and brave, there's a possibility I would end up like her, insane.
MY FEELINGS DEVELOPED when I started college, which is not good news but not bad news either.
I guess it's not yet too late to try and live like anyone else.
"Hey, Bella! Come on, we're going to pay already!" I came to my consciousness as I heard Janice's voice in my ears. She's literally at the counter, meters away from me, but I heard her.
What a loudmouth she has.
I went to the counter and placed the snacks I got. I was about to grab my credit card when I saw someone familiar outside.
I squinted my eyes to take a clearer vision.
It's Jameson. He is...
Kissing a lady.