Even though I actually felt that some of my self-confidence was starting to disappear, I honestly felt that maybe I really wasn't like what they were currently telling me. It felt like I was back into a very dark abyss and it was very difficult to breathe. At the same time , I didn't know what to do. When I closed my eyes and tried to catch the dream, I couldn't believe it. I feel like I'm in the middle of an abyss that I can never reach. At that moment, I realized again that in reality it was all just my imagination and I usually put it into a painting. Thoughts that previously filled my head, now it starts to disappear and I also feel happy when it finally disappears too. This time I'm in the room where I have to pour my imagination as usual and unfortunately there's nothing I can pour it for now. I felt like a lowly loser and not long after, I heard someone knocking on the door. That person then entered this room and it turned out to be grandma. His gaze seemed to indicate that he was eager to see the results of my next work. As soon as grandma got closer, her expression immediately changed in an instant as if she felt disappointed when she saw the blank canvas in front of my eyes. I'm trying to pour everything in and it turns out to be more difficult than before. I feel that now it's like I'm being hit by a big rock and can't lift the rock. My feelings are getting heavier. I started moving my right hand and now I'm starting to paint something on this blank canvas. After a few hours I was thinking about what to paint and after that my hands just moved. I've found what I really have to do and now I've started to get serious about it. I felt that this time it was really not like the previous me who immediately did it in earnest. I also felt like I was floating. The previous work that was so long ago, I looked back at it and I'm sure that if I gave it to that person I would be able to accept it. Now I'm back to continuing to make paintings that are very difficult for me to think of ideas for. When I was at school, they always said I was talented or something which I couldn't believe at the time. Even though I feel like saying it sincerely it feels like I can't accept it easily. Unlike most people who are immediately happy when they get compliments from others, it feels like I'm being stabbed with iron and that's what makes me feel distrustful of all that. I never feel relieved.
“Hey, Anne. I've seen your work on display at the festival. You're such a genius. How did you manage to make such a beautiful painting? If you sell it to collectors, I think you'll fetch a high price. Why don't you try it?”
“Ah, actually there are people who want it. And I will deliver the painting on Sunday.”
"Wow, congrats. you should. By the way, have you taken any painting lessons before?”
"No. I've never come to a place like that.”
“Eh? Really? So this is purely your talent? Extraordinary."
"That's enough. You shouldn't praise me like that. I still lack a lot."
"No. You're so perfect, so perfect."
'What's perfect?' muttered to myself.
Hearing this person's words, it weighs heavily on my heart. I've always been like this. While everyone was smiling brightly at me and they were clapping their hands for me, I still couldn't accept all of this. I guess I didn't deserve it. However, when I saw their sincerity in saying such things to me, it started to move my heart. They said it even more than once. I feel that it doesn't sound like bullshit. It is true. It's a reality I should just accept. I see myself as very different from them. However, out of all the people who were clapping for me, who were smiling at me, there was only one person who looked displeased at me. That person is always in the shadows of people and the look on his face seems to show his hatred for me. At that moment I also began to realize that this world is indeed terrible. I paint my own view of the world now and my hands quickly do it. Grandmother who previously looked disappointed at me, now grandmother showed a different expression compared to before. As soon as this painting was finished, grandma was immediately shocked and immediately I was also surprised when I saw grandma's view that was different from usual. Maybe I'm describing the unexpected but that's what I saw the last few days.
"You, do well," said grandmother, still looking at my painting.
"Ah, thank you grandma."
“I knew that you were beyond my prediction. How about we have an exhibition?”
"What? but that…”
“This is already good. You just have to paint some more. Grandmother will take care of the rest . They must all see your talent and admire you. That's a good move. Do you understand what I mean?"
"Okay. I understand."
"Yes. It's really amazing. There's no one who does this as well as you. I see it. My vision is never wrong when it comes to works of art. You've started to grow Anne. I think it's time you should show all you're capable of. Don't stay hidden or you 'll just be in someone else's shadow."
"Yes. Grandma."
Grandmother's words made me more confident in myself today. I do have to show it. Don't let grandma disown me again. Those thoughts are similar to my childhood thoughts. When everyone was getting such overwhelming praise, only I looked helpless. I slowly drew something on the paper and as soon as I showed it to grandma, apparently grandma liked other people's work more than mine. I feel annoyed and sad when it turns out I'm just a loser. Until finally I grow up and no longer do the same thing . I saw a beautiful painting by a famous painter in an art gallery, I felt like I was getting interested and trying to slowly rise from past wounds. Now I've done it. I get grandma's compliment. However, I also felt a little pressured when grandma told me that I had to succeed. I feel like thinking again what if I don't live up to grandma's expectations? Am I going to get kicked out or something. The thought always comes when I feel uneasy. Poor me . That's just what went through my head. Not long after that, I came out of this room and then into the living room. There I saw my aunt was sitting while relaxing as usual. I'm approaching.
"Anne, I heard you sold your painting. How is the result? How much did you get?"
"I haven't sent it to that person yet."
"I see. So there is still no income huh.”
"Correct."
"Then let me tell you one very important thing."
"What's that?"
“Make sure you make that person your loyal customer. Don't lose your customers. Collectors with good taste will definitely come to you and maybe even order your work. So you have to maintain that.”
“Ah, well. I will try."
"Good. You can't just rely on yourself and there's nothing you can do. By the way, which college do you have plans to enter?"
"I still have to think about it."
"Think well."
"Yes."
Even so, auntie was the one who was by my side for quite some time. I feel that now it's not like it used to be. I've been able to do some of the things I can do. So far I am speechless when in reality it turns out that I am indeed more than what I thought before. When everything has happened, it feels like I just found what I should be doing. the next day. And now is Sunday. I've texted Grace before and now I'm going to meet that person. Turns out that person contacted me first by sending a text message. After getting ready, I headed straight to that place. on the way, I feel happy. This was the first time I went to deliver my work to that person because apparently that person really wanted to meet me. Grace, who apparently never met that person either, when I asked Grace before , Grace really only knew from social media and had never met. Honestly I feel curious. Since earlier my heart kept pounding and maybe I was getting nervous. Arriving near the location, at that moment I saw a house with a high gate like a castle. Not long after that, I was invited to enter and at that time I entered the house. As soon as I was shown to a room, at that moment I felt even more nervous. Not long after, I entered the room and at that moment I saw a girl sitting drinking tea.
“You've come. I 've been waiting for you," the girl said to me.
"Sorry I came late."
"No. You're not late. Is that the painting?”
"Yes. This is the painting you want to buy.”
"Good. I am so glad. May I see?"
"Of course."
“Wow. It's so awesome. Much nicer to look at like this than in the photo. Thank You."
"Ah, you're welcome."
“Sit down. You must be tired," said the girl with a sweet smile .