Their daily routines remained consistent but for the 89th day, they were allowed to make phone calls. Kristen staying in the hallway, sitting in a cold hospital chair in the waiting area. “It’s been so long” she initiated. “Glad we’re allowed to catch up” Silas replied.
Kristen tries to hold back her tears. She can’t understand but she badly misses Silas’ presence. She answered, “You don’t know how much it is hard for me. I want to stare at you again”. Silas chuckled on the other line. “You might not want to see how I look like right now” he replied. Kristen contradicted, “When did I say that I only loved your looks?” she asked. For the first time, Silas’ feelings were in chaos. “You’re the first one to say that” he said. Kristen’s tears started rolling down on her face but she quickly wiped those off. “I can’t imagine those months will be the happiest months of my life. For the first time, I understood what love really is” she replied. Silas smiled, “You made me feel the same way too”.
“It’s day 89 of 90. Tomorrow is your final treatment and I am aware that that one is the hardest” she stated. “I know it all too well. It’s not my first time taking this kind of medication you know” he answered. His voice sounds weak and it weakens Kristen also. “You know I can’t do anything. But I know my mom will do her best to make this transplant a successful one” she said. “I trust your mom. What if I am the one who surrenders? What will you do?” he curiously asked.
Kristen leaned back and cried silently. “I will visit your grave every time I have the chance. You know your presence calms me especially when no one believes me, you are there saying I’m not a person with shitty dreams” she answered. “I’ll love that. I will follow you wherever you go just like how I follow you everywhere in this hospital” he chuckled but tears were formed in his eyes.
“I know you’ll be alright. You can still chuckle at this rate” she replied. They both sighed, “How about dropping the call? We’re overtimed” he said. They were only given 5 minutes but the duration of their call went about 20 minutes. “Oh right. I wish nothing but the best for you. Don’t forget that many are waiting for you; including me, and the love you promised” she said.
At that moment, he knew that he can’t fail them. If he were to choose, he will gladly leave because of the lifetime tiredness he felt. But this woman on the phone makes him alive, the faith he left welcomes him more, and his family is ready to be with him again. “Whatever might happen, I can say I am happy and I want you guys to be happy also” he said and dropped the call.
Kristen ran away and locked herself in a toilet cubicle. There she poured all her tears, making no sound at all. They say silent cries are the most painful. Now she understood what love is. Silas’ presence is everything compared to her exes. Before, she only knew that love is about getting to know each other and assigning labels for each. In Silas he felt that love is about nothing but the partner’s presence and the overall characteristics. There is no label for love, there is no time, no attitude, just pure affection and sincerity between the two.
The next day came, Silas stared at himself in the mirror. He looks weak but he wants to fight. “If this will be the last time that I got to see my face, then I’m glad I had this”. He wrote in his journal again. “If this will be the last time that I got to write in this notebook, then I want to say that I am privileged enough to live like this. I am grateful enough to change the world I had before. I am grateful enough that I lived this life”
Clarina talked, “Let’s go now, Silas”. Went they went outside, Frances was already in her scrubs and preparing for the procedure. “You know well how this feels, Silas. I know you can conquer this like how you conquered it years ago. Your trust is on mine, let’s get inside” she said.
Kristen woke up late but she is informed that Silas’ operation will be on that day. From their house she managed to convince Kristan to drive through the hospital. To her surprise, the traffic coincidentally occurred. “I can’t make it at this state!” she annoyingly said. Kristan replied, “You have the guts to say that without knowing you’re just wearing your pajamas. You also forgot to wear your bra” he shrugged.
Kristen looked down. Her brother was right. “Take off your shirt” she commanded. “What the hell did you just say?!” Kristan reclaimed. Kristen gave him the death glare. She opened the car’s door wearing a loose man shirt and a pink bunny-designed pajamas. She ran through the traffic, the sun’s heat making her exhausted. There were horns to be heard in the highway but she didn’t care and managed to cross the road. She only thinks about Silas, that she can see him just a second before he enters the operation.
Kristan looked at her sister running like a crazy woman after taking his shirt. Now he’s half naked but he didn’t mind. “That girl finally had her first serious relationship after almost ten failures” he shrugged and took the road back to their home.
When she got there, all elevators were full so she took the long stair in the fire exit. When she arrived, the operating room’s signage already lit ‘Operation Ongoing’. She knelt in disbelief, Clarina’s cold hands were on her shoulder. They both sat down in the waiting area. She got clueless when Clarina handed her a notebook. “Silas instructed me to give this to you while he’s inside” she said.
Kristen held it in her hands. It is a brown leathered notebook with Silas’ name and student number below. “Is this his lecture notes? What am I going to do with it?” she asked Silas’ mother. Clarina replied, “It contains all his secrets. Gladly he wants to tell you all of it”.
She walked away with Silas’ journal hugged by her. She went inside her mother’s office and got changed. She gently opened the journal and found figurative words. “Are these notes pieces of memories? Or is it a prayer book?”
She opened the second page and found Silas wearing a black cassock. He is smiling differently in that photo. He’s glowing and he feels happy through his smiling eyes. The next few pages were just journal-typed prayers full of questions. But what triggered her the most is a photo of him and a girl inside a Ferris wheel. The next pages were also like that but the others were in the church, in a cinema, and many more. It contents almost half of the notebook.
She remembered Silas saying, “I broke a girl’s heart”. Few more pages made her know him more. His aviation and seminary journey. The last few pages were his experiences outside the church. The hospital life, and his family’s reunion. But what shocked her the most is the envelope enclosed before the last two pages of his journal.
She opened it and found the graphics she always sent him. She slid her hand in her pocket and brought out the 90th piece. With tears, she placed it inside the envelope. She got curious in the last two pages and found her photo pasted in it. Her photo playing with kids, her photo when she was with Silas in the café, and the photo of her hanky. Every photo is detailed. “So, you’ve fallen for me too, huh?” she asked herself.
“I don’t want you to be a rebound girl. So can you wait first before I could finally move on with Stella?” the note says. She knows everything now; including Stella’s willingness to change religions, Stella’s connection with Silas, and even Silas’ obsession with Stella before. At some point she got jealous but that didn’t matter anymore.
She got triggered with Silas’ final words, and that states them to be happy even without him. That hour left her speechless. Her mind was full and her emotions were stirred into a terrible one. She doesn’t know how to feel anymore. She only knows that she worries for him and she convinces herself to keep her hopes up and believe that Silas will eventually come back after a while.
She’s getting excited of how they will make their relationship grow with each other’s affection. Now that everything’s clear to her, she wants to tell everything to Silas too. She can do nothing but to hope and to make things faster and well to see Silas once again. It’s been 90 plus days since they last saw each other.
Two hours passed. As she patiently waited for the operation to end, an assistant doctor went to her. She knows that assistant because it’s her mom’s. She read a chart in front of Kristen with voice sounding unhappy about the results. “Your mom can’t say this to you directly because it will pain you. I’m sorry but the one you loved lost to the battle”. The assistant doctor bowed and left her in a bland look.
With a heavy sigh, she burst out with tears. She went to the rooftop and assumed the one she loves is standing there, patiently waiting for her with an IV drip. But reality kicked her, the one she is looking for is now nowhere to be found.