"Jaguar..." I breathed.
What is he doing here? Is this even true? Am I really seeing his face again?
He carefully shut the door and walked towards my side while I'm just watching his every move and I spotted some changes in his physical features. I can still remember the last time I saw him... with his new girl.
I didn't expect I will see him again, and it's funny how it should be in this kind of situation where I'm looking so weak.
His face became more matured. His disheveled long hair before is now on a clean cut. His brooding dark eyes that were used to give me chills and I used to adore seems brighter, more expressive.
"Good thing Innov let me visit you. Here, I bought you fruits and cereals." Even his voice changed a lot. It's now manly and deep.
I didn't talk back, I just watched him put those things he brought on the bedside table. He arranged those first before facing me again.
When he realized I'm not making any response to his questions and says, he slowly held his back head and his lips crooked a shy smile.
"I-I guess I'm now being talkative. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb your rest. I think it's better for me to leave--" I cut him.
"I... I have been good, since you left." I answered to his first question without blinking.
His lips were apart after he processed what I just said. He slowly bowed his head, looking guilty. But I didn't mean to make him feel guilty.
"T-that's nice..."
"It wasn't nice. I was at peace... but I wasn't happy." I continued.
He looked up to me fastly, eyes were wide and questioning.
"Vanez..."
I cleared my throat before I could loss my control.
"What are you doing here anyway? I'm not expecting anyone to visit me, especially you." I said frankly.
I saw him gulped."I'm just visiting you... I was worried about you after knowing what happened," he closed his eyes firmly and opened it, directly fixed on me."Rashid told me everything... that the brotherhood fought Klaus' hood. I was terrified and even doubted Innov will ever agree if I visit you here since he knows that I'm once a member of the brotherhood whose the reason why you're here."
His brows furrowed, he's also clenching his jaw with his tightened fists. I just can't help but to crease my forehead after his statements.
"You don't have to worry about me because I'm all fine. And to correct you, they are not the reason why I'm here. I did it to myself because I wasn't careful... I was being reckless," I just can't accept his words towards the brotherhood.
Seems like up until now, he still has this hatred towards Lash. I can't believe he chose to leave the brotherhood just because of his immature little rants.
"No, Vanez. Since day one, they started causing trouble to you. That brotherhood is ruining you, slowly! That's why I agreed with Innov when he told your doctor not to let them visit you," he spilled out.
My eyes widened. Is that why I'm not seeing them here? I knew it. I'm very sure they won't just leave and forget me like that, especially Ivonne, Dublin and the three. I never thought Innov would do that to me. All this time I thought I have his support for everything.
"They didn't," I gave Jaguar a serious look."Seems like until now, you still loathe the brotherhood." I smirked sardonically.
He met my gaze full of sarcasm. He looked stress and frustrated with my answers to him.
"Just don't defend them and cover their faults---"
"Just like what you did? Leaving us behind? I'm not selfish like you." I looked at him disgustingly.
He closed his eyes and when he opened it again, he looked at me pleasingly."I didn't leave the brotherhood, Vanez. They made me leave."
"Liar!"
Huh, the audacity to say that to me.
"I'm not lying, you know that," he's looking at me like he's in pained. I diverted my gaze."Just listen to Innov. You don't deserve this, Vanez," something clutched my heart upon hearing those words from him.
I gazed at him again."And who are you to claim what's not deserving for me? As far as I can remember, I'm not asking for your opinion or anything."
Finally, he stepped back after I threw those lines. I hope he took it all, I just don't understand why he's being like this. He's not part of my life anymore, and I'm not his, too. We parted ways several years ago and now, he's acting like someone who still cared about me? Oh, God.
"I'm sorry. I-I was telling you that, as a friend."
"A friend, huh?"
"I'm sorry, Caramel..."
"I suggest you stop calling me that," I toned seriously.
He nod his head."I am sorry, Vanez. I'm sorry for leaving you. I know it was a selfish stunt and I'm very sorry for breaking your heart. I've been a jerk to you... I was not a good boyfriend..."
I tried to calm myself. This is it. This is it, Vanez. He's now opening that topic you keep on avoiding.
I didn't say anything and let him continue.
"And I also know that... that you became like this because of me. I-I'm one of those reasons why you turned out being this cold, and distant. You're not like this before, you have those twinkling eyes... captivating genuine smile... melodic laughs... But they are gone now, I can no longer see those in you. And I hate myself because I made you like that, I turned you into another p-person..." his voice cracked.
I avoided his gaze and secretly wiped tears unknowingly flowing down my cheeks.
"I have loved you all my heart, Jaguar. M-my young heart... I was so young that time that I'm not even aware of the painful things lurking behind. You are the only person I trusted. I'm expecting you to stay with me because all of them, they chose to leave me alone..." I let my tears streamed.
"I gave you my heart because I thought you wouldn't hurt me, you'll take care of it until forever. But maybe we were just really young back then, I was that little girl who's slaved by my own heart. I was obsessive," my voice shaken.
"Vanez..."
That's when I faced him, bravely. I looked straight into his eyes while crying.
"You promised me many things. You gave me your word, and I claimed you as my world! I hold on tight to your every promises because I loved you so much and you pledged that you love me, too... that you would stay... But then, one day, you talked to me to say those bullshit words 'I'm tired. Let's just end this'. You not just broke me, Jaguar," I shook my head."You wrecked my whole sanity! I'm so wrecked that I even changed myself and chose to be this cold, heartless and distant girl so I could secure my heart from any pain! Because I don't want to experience that kind of trauma again!"
My chest was moving up and down rapidly because of the sudden burst of my emotions. I didn't know I can say those words to him. I didn't know I will cry because of him again. I was so sure so have already moved on. But the pain... the pain was just too much. The pain's still here, pulling me back to the bittersweet past.
He looked up as he closed his eyes, I saw how his Adam's apple moved up and down. He opened his eyes again and this time those were bloodshot as fixed on me.
"I know, I know. I know, Vanez... I'm very sorry... sorry, please, forgive me..." he suddenly kneeled.
I'm shocked.
"I'm willing to do anything. Please, forgive me... tell me everything and I'll do it for you..." his eyes were sincerely pleading.
I looked directly into it.
"You want me to forgive you?" I asked and he nodded abruptly. My tears fell."Love your girlfriend not the way you love me. Give her the love she deserves and don't you dare leave her. Don't you dare hurt her just like what you did to me." I said.
He's surprised. It's like he didn't expect that's what I'm going to say. Even me, I didn't expect I will say that to him, that I'll consider someone else's feelings instead of mine.
"Vanez..."
"I already knew about her, your new. She's pretty, by the way. Please, shower her with all your love. I know I have been selfish for so long, but this time, I want you to know that... that I'm letting you go wholeheartedly..." I gasped and covered my mouth to muffle my sobs. It hurts, but I need to do this.
I just realized he's not the same Jaguar I love anymore. He changed, I changed. There's no more sparks between us. Everything has changed. Everything is different now.
"I'll forgive you, but not now. I'll forgive myself before I could forgive anyone. I hope... we won't see each other again." I bit my lip.
I heard him sigh.
"Alright. Thank you... I'll wait for that moment," he stood up and gave me a small smile.
I was shocked when he kissed my forehead.
"Take care of yourself, Caramel. Goodbye..." he held the doorknob and took one last glance at me.
"Bye..." I blinked and the next thing I knew, I am alone again.